Southern Charm Premiere Recap: Pussy Power

Every Southern Charm premiere always begins with a teaser clip of an epic fight from the last episode to give us an incentive to keep watching through the season. This time around we got a sneak peek of Kathryn yelling at her baby daddy's new girlfriend at what looks to be the "Founder's Ball" that the crew celebrate every year. Can't they find a new event or location to end the season?

After the dramatic teaser we jumped three months backward where we found out what the Southern Charmer's have been up to. Cameron is very pregnant with her daughter Palmer. Her storyline for the last three seasons has been about her unwillingness to get pregnant, so seeing her ready to pop was a big surprise. Shep stopped over with some fast food for the soon-to-be-mom and spilled the tea about his failed Relationshep relationship. Apparently he went to visit the "winner" of his dating show in New York ONE TIME and she didn't want to stay out at night, which was a dealer breaker for Shep. He's pushing 40 and has a major case of the Peter Pan syndrome, so I don't think he's ever actually going to settle down. He wants a cultured, educated woman but he's not going to find that in the barely legal bimbos that he's been known to date. He also admitted that it was his birthday and Cameron replied with "oh yeah, it is" obviously these two can't be that close if she didn't even realise that it was his fucking birthday. Didn't she get a Facebook notification or something like a real friend?

Kathryn has a very questionable new half blonde/half red hairstyle and a new apartment. I'm guessing Chelsea wasn't responsible for Kathryn's new look. She still doesn't have custody of her kids and has to randomly submit blood tests whenever Thomas asks her do. Isn't it ironic that the parent who went to prison for possession of cocaine is the parent that has full custody? The latest update in the Hot Mess Express is that Kathryn made Thomas fire his nanny. Did he fuck the nanny because I assume that's the only reason that any would fire the help. Speaking of Thomas, he has a new young girlfriend named Ashley, who moved across the country to be with him only after a few weeks of knowing him. Kathryn thinks she's a gold digger, but I don't agree. I think she's a gold digger AND a fame whore. Ashley looks the like the quintessential THOT that Thomas seems to go for, which is obviously why Kathryn is jealous of her new replacement.

As for the rest of the group, Craig and Naomie broke up which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that watched the show last season. Mr Conover is now living with his roommate Sean. Are we supposed to believe that these two are just roommates?Okay Craig. Keep sewing.

Austen and Chelsea also broke up in the off season. From Chelsea's side, after he lost his job he got super lazy and was fine with her paying for everything. However when he tried to have drunk sex with her one night, that was the final straw. Austen's new, jobless behaviour annoys me because he was the one cast member that I expected more from. He was ambitious and driven but now he is nothing more than a Shep lookalike, except he showers. The plot thickens as Austen began dating Chelsea's friend Victoria but then decided to break up with her because he still has feelings for Chelsea. Eh, I just don't know if I care about this couple enough to see them rekindle their romance, but I hope Austen rekindles having a career of some sort because being an unemployed rich kid doesn't look good on him.

Another couple I don't really care for: JD and Elizabeth. First of all, is he on the show? For the last four seasons all JD has done is sit in the background chuckling while he drinks whiskey and sucks up Thomas' wrinkly old man asshole, so I'm a little confused as to why he his relationship issues with his wife, who I've heard speak a maximum of eight times, have become such a main plot point of the season. Apparently Elizabeth "fell out of love" with him after he got sued for not paying the rent at his restaurant. That would suck, if it were true. JD is the worst actor on the show and there is definitely some sneaky shit going down behind the scenes, but I'm just gonna sip my tea and wait for the mess to unfold.

It seems like I didn't have to wait long because Kathryn, Naomie, Danni & Chelsea are joining together and they are stronger than ever. I'm loving this recurring theme of women standing against the men on these reality shows lately, especially on Southern Charm which has traditionally been a strictly patriarchal dominated show. Also, where is Cameron? I know she's pregnant but that doesn't mean she gets to skip out on the shit talking with the other ladies.

For some unknown reason Shep and Craig were actually getting along, but that all turned to shit when Shep invited the lawyer turned spinster to help cook the meat for his big birthday bash. Craig gifted the birthday boy with an apron but it all went down hill from there when they for fought for hours (literally) about how to light the grill and then cook the meat. I always tried to play devil's advocate for Craig but after seeing him berate Shep and Austen about not knowing how to cook the meat, when he didn't even know himself, I completely understood all the shit that Shep has given him over the years. Someone should have shoved the smoked ribs down his throat because his nasal, monotone voice made me want to jump into on going traffic. Surely Shep could have just catered the party?

The ladies met up before Shep's birthday party and Naomie, who is close friends with Elizabeth, alluded to having some serious tea on JD after she found that he would be attending Shep's party instead of her. Again, I don't really have any shits left to give about JD or Elizabeth, but I am all here for Naomie exposing his dirty whiskey filled ways. The girl group also spent most of their time shit talking Thomas' new girlfriend, which I 100% support. I've only seen her in two scenes and I already wanna kick her in the face. I don't know what it is but she's just so kickable! The episode ended with the girls loading into the car to attend Shep's party with them marching to the show's iconic theme song. This means war and I'm so happy that the ladies are finally standing up against the morally corrupt men on the show.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.