Vanderpump Rules Recap: Jax Attack

The SURvers trip to Mexico came and went faster than a horny Speedy Gonzales. I liked the trip but I kept thinking I was going to get a little bit more, maybe they should have stayed an extra day and fireworks would have really went flying like Kristen Doute's drink.

Speaking of my lord and saviour, after she threw her drink on DJ James Kennedy the entire table erupted in anger and all turned on Miss Doute for being "too dramatic" and "immature" for hurling a drink onto her douchy ex-boyfriend. In real life I would agree that throwing a liquid onto another person isn't the right way to channel your anger, however this is reality TV and it would be a problem if Kristen wasn't acting like a hot mess in front of the cameras. Aside from everyone hating on Kristen, the only other things to happen on their last night in Mexico was Lala talking about being gangster while sucking on a baby bottle, Jax and the boys trying to get really drunk and Stassi ranking her favourite pizza dressings, just for your interest they are: Sriracha & Ranch, Plain Ranch, Balsamic, Hot sauce, Ketchup. Do people really put extra sauce on top of their pizza or is this just a Stassi thing?

Before the SURver's left for LA the next morning, Jax made Brittany leave their hotel room so that he could FaceTime his reiki master/latest whore, Kelsey. Ugh. First of all, Jax took the call on the balcony so couldn't Brittany have just stayed inside their room? Second of all, why is Brittany so nice to Jax? He fucked her friend, said horrible things about her on an audio tape and then didn't consider her feelings at all when he wanted to move across the country, so why is she so nice to him? How does this happen?

During his conversation with Kelsey she used an example of Nelson Mandela that he didn't understand and told him that his decision about his new job opportunity should be not to make a decision right now. Everything that comes out of her bohemian mouth is shady as fuck and Jax definetly wouldn't be this invested in this reiki shit if he wasn't 6 inches deep in the instructor. The two adulterers ended the call with Jax saying "Love you" and Kelsey replying "Sounds good honey." What the actual fuck? Do you really expect me to believe that she hasn't been plowed by Jax on every surface in his apartment?

When everyone got back to LA, Kristen had to do damage control and tell her boyfriend Carter about the new allegations surrounding her night with James in Mexico. He actually seems like a solid guy and Kristen would be a real idiot to cheat on his dreamboat face with the British turd of society that is James Kennedy. I don't think that anything happened between the exes, but like Carter said, Kristen needs to be smart enough not to put herself into situations where she looks like she may have cheated on her boyfriend, because she does not have the best track record. However they are ultimately still together! I am the only one who forgot that James fucked her on his Beamer when she started dating Carter?! Damn, fidelity really isn't Kristen's strong suit. Also, I can't think of anything more disgusting than getting pounded by a scrawny douchebag wannabe DJ on top of a cheap car, just think about that visual for a second.

James' See You Next Tuesday night rolled around again and LVP stopped by to get all the latest tea on what her sex crazed SURver's had been up to. Scheana had gone 30 seconds without mentioning Rob and/or his TV hanging abilities, so when she saw Lisa walk by the conversation immediately turned to her and Rob's "plans" to move in together, have a baby and get married - only six days after her divorce was finalised. I would go into detail about the annoyance of both Scheana's voice and her mating habits, but I've done that all season and I think we get the point by now.

During the CUNT night, Jax decided that it was the perfect time to confront Adam, the hot new bartender that Scheana tried to set Brittany up with. Ugh. I really could not care less about this reach of a storyline. Jax is a cunt who fucks everything that moves and has clear sociopath problems so obviously Brittany deserves a lot more in life than the behaviour that she's had to put up with from this thumb of a man. Jax is like that kid in pre-school that doesn't like his dinosaur toy but then when someone else wants to play with the dinosaur toy he snatches it out of their hand. That's right, Brittany is the dinosaur toy but with fake boobs, and Jax doesn't want anyone else touching his girlfriend, even though he's been inside 80% of all female residents in West Hollywood.

Of course Jax confronted Adam about the situation and then talked to Scheana about it but nothing really got resolved. Brittany didn't cheat on him and Scheana was just being a vindictive bitch, so I don't understand why he needed to conduct a full Nancy Drew investigation about the situation. I'm bored with this. Somehow Jax took the situation and turned it around on Brittany by getting mad at her for even having a friend that would try to hook her up with another guy. What the actual fuck? Is Jax really that good of an evil genius that he could make that 180 turn on his Kentucky muffin. I think this is just another example of him trying to manipulate her into breaking up with him, but it's not working.

Scheana's plan wasn't Jax's only issue on CUNT night, Lala and James confronted him about starting the rumour that the DJ hooked up with Kristen which made Jax pretend he was an innocent angel, but there is video footage of him telling everyone that James said he hooked up with Kristen when he never did. I never thought I would say this but I agree with James Kennedy, because it is beyond obvious that Jax started that rumour to try and take the heat off of him.

Naturally when they said this to him, the walking thumb played the victim, had a meltdown in the middle of the restaurant and started swearing at his boss Lisa Vanderpump. It was the most awkward breakdown I've ever seen and he literally stood at the front of Sur flipping everyone the bird for no reason. Is THIS about the pasta?! In the end LVP kicked him out of Sur and he ripped his mic off as we walked down the street. How did James bringing up a fact get Jax's head swollen head so triggered? I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. I would definitely not be surprised if Jax chose to leave the show before next season because he has never looked this sad and pathetic in the whole six years that he's been on TV, and that is really saying something. I bet that Tampa job is looking pretty good at this point.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!