RHOBH Recap: Cherry Condoms


This recap is late but with all the tea surrounding Khloe Kardashian and my need to sleep, I couldn't get to it in time. However I can tell you that this episode was a complete and utter nothing burger, much like the rest of this season. I know that I've tended to shit on Beverly Hills for the entirety of it's eighth season but it's because I know that these ladies can give us so much more than what they currently are.

The ladies are still in Berlin but LVP had to fly back to Los Angeles to receive an award for some dog thing. Eh. I'm just happy there was one less bitch on the trip. Kyle and Teddi waited for Erika Jayne to meet them at the Berlin zoo for over 40 minutes. Normally you would expect that that time would be taken to prepare an epic EJ look, but she was late because she was sick and didn't serve us the realness that anyone expected. Why didn't Teddi pop off at Erika for being late like she did to Dorito? I think it's more than obvious that Little Miss Mellencamp shits herself everytime that Erika "Ice Queen" Jayne walks past. Seriously I think I saw the faeces fall out of her when Erika arrived. Being an ice queen still makes her a queen and that's more than I can say for Teddi.

While those ladies explored the zoo, Dorito and Rinna attended the spa together. The sad thing about this franchise is that you can tell the women aren't really friends. It almost seems like they are all on their own islands and are just mere acquaintances and can't be bothered to get too deep or invested in a friendship or be honest because they know it could lead to conflict and none of them want to show us their bad sides. I'm bored and these bitches need a shakeup.

In true Beverly Hills vacation tradition the Housewives went on a boat but this ride didn't even compare to reality TV excellence that we witnessed when the ladies took to the seas in Hong Kong, Amsterdam or even Dubai. Maybe it's because LVP and her shit stirring ass weren't on board. Teddi, the only reasonable and sensible one of the group, was confused if the ladies were attending a costume party or were sight seeing and I guess with this show every scene is a costume party. Ugh. This is why I love New York so much more because they are real people who don't travel with 45 gay men and 23 bags of luggage for a 3 day trip. To summarise the looks: Erika was wearing a sexy, red, latex top which made her look like a cherry flavoured condom in a blonde wig. Rinna wore some lingerie under a massive trench coat and the others wore clothes that I'm sure were worth more than my house but I was honestly too bored to care, especially with all the Khloe & Tristan TEA!

After their boring boat ride were nothing happened at all, Erika took the ladies to a very exclusive restaurant that was hidden behind a dark alley way that made the Housewives pretend they were all going to be raped. First of all the alley wasn't that bad and second, they clearly had massive production lights and a team of people with them, so being scared of walking down the street was an annoying act. During the dinner at the hidden restaurant the ladies continued to give Erika a rim job about her latex costume while she checked Teddi for her pretend amnesia comment a few episodes back.

I was scared of Erika and her laser eyes through the other end of the TV, so I can only imagine how Little Miss Mellencamp was feeling when she was looking her dead in the eye. Obviously she wasn't feeling good because the horse rider started crying about not wanting to go on the trip because of the way Erika spoke to her. Is this bitch serious? She should spent 8 minutes with the New York women and she would be in a ball on the floor. Teddi apologised for calling her a liar and Erika apologised for scaring her and being mean. It was big of Erika to apologise, but she didn't need to. When you sign a Bravo contract to become a Housewife you should have the strength to be yelled at without crying and clap back at the other person. It's not Teddi's fault that she isn't good for the show, it's the producers for hiring someone so bland and basic. The only word that comes to mind when I think of Teddi is meh.

That dinner concluded the very boring trip to Berlin and the ladies went back to their Beverly Hills lives. Nothing at all juicy, interesting or compelling happened so I'm not going to waste my time by writing about it or your time reading it, but to give you a quick roundup: Kyle moved houses with help from The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, Teddi had an incredibility boring lunch with her kids and vampire husband, Kyle visited LVP who had clearly just come from getting new botox injections to update her on the rest of the Berlin trip, Erika performed at a gay club in New York and Dorito was being a picky bitch about her upcoming swimwear fashion show. I couldn't be more excited that this season only has three more episodes left (the finale and two part reunion) and then I can get my Tuesdays back!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.