Jersey Shore Recap: Shit Storm
In this episode we dealt with serious and compelling issues such as: the various ways to describe ejaculation, Ron's disgusting shit problem and Snooki pissing everyone off. It had all the makings of a quintessential Jersey Shore episode.
We began with Snooki still reeling from losing her wedding ring, but it was found moments after she called her dad to cry about it. Jesus, couldn't she let the guy get some sleep? The next morning JWOWW admitted that she told Snooki to leave her rings at home so that she wouldn't lose them when she does crazy shit like throwing a sex doll replica of your friend into a pool. Jenni and Mike also talked about their different addictions issues and how it affected their behaviour while the show was on all those years ago. JWOWW admitted to suffering a miscarriage and losing her grandma weeks before they started filming their Italy season, so the doctors put her on Xanax. When you combine uppers and downers with booze, partying, late nights and who knows what else, shit is sure to hit the mother fucking fan! Jenni is the realest bitch in the house and seems like the type of mom that would put you in your fucking place but also let you have your first drink. #I'mACoolMom
Mike on the other hand said he stopped doing drugs because he has an addictive personality. Ugh. The only reason that Mike is different is because he needs to look like a saint ahead of his court appearance. I don't believe that Mike is calm and mellow anymore than I believe that Ronnie hasn't cheated on his pregnant girlfriend, Tristan Thompson style. He also admitted that withdraws made him ram his head into the wall but being a fucking cocky idiot probably did that too. Seriously, who looks at a wall and thinks that it would be a fun idea to put your head through it? I wish The Situation would start sniffing Peru again because he was been boring as fuck this season and just fades into the background like a Popeye impersonator, but I guess that's his plan.
After Snooki finished crying about missing her children, the GTL gang loaded into their car to go rock climbing. Who had that great idea? The only thing more boring than watching physical activity on reality TV is watching people talk about physical activity on reality TV. I don't need to be reminded about how lazy I am while I sit on the couch with my popcorn and alcohol. Due to Ronnie doing a massive shit in his toilet that literally clogged it, Vinny had the bright idea to pin the two meatballs against each other and proclaimed that whoever got to the top of the rock climbing wall first had to clean the shit. Is this even legal? I feel like this could be a human rights violation. Anyway Snooki lost and for the majority of the episode we had to watch her clean Ronnie's hard, dry, smelly shit. It was still better than anything that the Beverly Hills Housewives have put out in years.
Ronnie's shit just proved that he is a hot mess, actually just a mess. It was proved even more by seeing him talk to his baby mama on the duck phone like he was a 12-year-old trying to get off the phone to his mom at sleep-away camp, so that he can go roast some smores. The baby was born in real time last week, but I think it's more than a safe bet that the couple won't be together come this time next year. Well, probably this time next week! It's also blatantly obvious that he is still in love with Sammi, but I'm just gonna leave that there because that is a WHOLE other issue. Apart from the shit-capades, the boys also roasted Deena for not having sex without a condom with her husband and educated the meatball on the different terms to use to describe ejaculation. It was a pivotal moment that I think we can also learn from. Here are just some of the gems, the Jersey Shore men came out with:
Following that very informative lesson, the rest of the episode was primarily made up of Snooki & Vinny's beef. Obviously their relationship was still very awkward since Nicole low-key cheated on her now husband with Vinny back in the olden days of the Shore and that only intensified when the non-carb eating guido got drunk and started dancing on Snooki in the club. That was just awkward, weird and a little inappropriate considering we are in the time of #MeToo. When they got back to the house things got even weirder when Vinny kept chasing Snooki around trying to dance with her, while she screamed and threw things at him. I know he was joking around and was trying to get rid of the awkward energy between them but who is he, Harvey Weinstein?
The one sensible thing Vinny did was ask Snooki what their boundaries are because she always states that she can't be near him and treats him like a leper. For some reason the meatball started raging about the fact that he would even ask such a question, but why couldn't she just tell him what the confines of their relationship are?
Here's my theory: I think her husband, Jionni is one controlling mother fucker with his own ego problems and a major problem with Vinny. He most likely didn't want Snooki to come back to the show and was pissed that she was leaving him and their kids for a month to go get drunk on TV, so I think he would have taunted her with the threat of ending their marriage if Snooki did anything regrettable. Snooki, being the meatball that she is, probably was ultra sensitive to anything happening between her and Vinny because she knows her husband will go crazy when he sees it on TV, so she didn't even want the topic discussed - that's why she wanted to shut it down and WHY she started popping off at JWOWW, even though Jenni was just trying to calm her down and reason with her.
Jenni "JWOWW" Farley is not the bitch you want to fuck with. She's a loyal friend but she can be a total gutter rat when she needs to be and she proved that when Snooki started going off on her for bringing up her weird dynamic with Vinny. Snooki made a big deal out of nothing and looked like a major idiot. In the midst of all this drama Popeye was just sitting eating his food, like the church mouse that is trying to make us believe that he is, but I know that The Situation is in there, we just have to sit back and wait for him to come out.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!