Jersey Shore Recap: Guido Tristan Thompson


Snooki's battle with Vinny & JWOWW was still raging on when the episode began and the little Meatball was packing to leave the house. This is the second time in three episodes that Snooki has threatened to leave at the sight of a minor inconvenience. Pauly D, strangely the only sensible in the house, had to talk Snooki into staying and got her to make up with the two housemates she was feuding with. What the fuck? Is Pauly D the undercover budda of the show and we just didn't realise until now? Talking sense into a drunk and/or angry Snooki is like Kylie Jenner only taking one selfie a day - impossible, but somehow Pauly managed to do it.

Snooki and JWOWW started crying with each other twenty seconds after their fight like the true Italian sisters that they are. I don't know if they are really best friends in real life, but in my head, they are together all the time. The borderline guido midget then had to right her wrongs with Vinny and they both agreed to respect her marriage but still remain friends. I know they fucked once and Vinny could barely stick his elephant dick into Nicole's little keyhole, but why does it have to be awkward all these years later? Jenni saw Pauly's penis piercing and they're perfectly fine. Obviously, this situation is all about Jionni's insecure and controlling behaviour. Instead of Snooki leaving the Shore house she should leave Jionni. However, the former flames put their past behind them and looked to a better future. Wow, that sounded like something straight out of a Hallmark card.

The next day the gang went out to fulfil their GTL duties while Deena sat at home. This crew would have some serious coin so can't they find someone to do their laundry for them? They all worked out, Snooki peed a bit, then they headed back to the house where the Ron Ron Juice was flowing. Ron Ron Juice looks disgusting and sounds like something that Bill Cosby might serve you, but I really want a glass. Maybe he can start his own cocktail line and be the next Bethenny Frankel? What a missed opportunity for people everywhere to possibly get alcohol poisoning. For some reason, after everyone had a little Ron Ron Juice, the conversation turned to Sammi and how everyone would have acted if she was in the house. Who gives a shit about this dumb hypothetical situation? Even in her absence, the ghost of Sammi Sweetheart is still creating drama in the Shore house.

Deena, Sammi's staunch defender, and Ronnie continued to fight in the taxi because he was mad that Sammi didn't talk about him all the time to Deena. Why was this even a conversation? Who cares?! Their relationship ended FOUR years ago and by all accounts they have both moved on, but obviously Ron Ron is still stuck in 2011. The fiery meatball also spilled the tea that Sammi didn't return because Ronnie used to stalk her and she was afraid that he would try and rekindle their relationship, which I totally believe. I think that Ronnie wanted Sam to come back because he isn't done with her yet and was interested in seeing what could happen between them, but he has a baby mama that is almost crowning so he is going to need to get any and all Sammi Sweetheart thoughts out of his head. I'm surprised he didn't call his daughter Sam.

It was a typical night at the club where Deena tried to fight these two camera thirsty hoes who were trying to get their five minutes of fame and JWOWW sought out a few international girls for Pauly to choose from. Aww, how sweet of her. Can you imagine pushing 40 and still going out clubbing hard? It makes my knees sore thinking about it. Even though Ronnie's girlfriend was about to give birth, he decided to grind against a French THOT that was intended for Pauly. How many babies mama's does Ron need? We already know that Ronnie Ortiz-Magro isn't the smartest guido in the Shore house but after the hoe told him she was French he replied with saying "I don't speak Spanish." Holy fuck. Good luck to his daughter and the public school system because they are going to need it with a dad like that.

Pauly, Ronnie and their carload of THOTs arrived at the house like they were the UN, with all the different nationalities. The two French fries were the thirstiest of the group and they both had an obvious goal of having a guido penis in their mouths by the night's end. Snooki tried to knock the bitches out with strong drinks to ensure that the soon-to-be-dad wouldn't have another baby on the way. That was a smart move on Snooki's meatball behalf, but it would have been smarter if she threatened to call the immigration department because those hoes would have been gone in minutes. The night got even trashier when one of the girls threw up behind a couch because she couldn't handle Snooki's strong drinks while Pauly may or may not have had sex in the hot tub with one of the other girls.

While one of the European exports vomited and another got ploughed by Pauly D, another one of them went upstairs with Ronnie so that he could "show her around the house." Ladies, if a guy wants to give you a house tour that means that his penis will be in your mouth very shortly. Am I wrong? Because moments after the house tour commenced Ron and the French fry found themselves in his bathroom with the door closed while we could audibly hear blowjob noises. I'm all for authenticity but did MTV really need to include the sound of someone sucking a dick? Ronnie managed to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend seven months into her pregnancy, so we should just call him the Guido Tristan Thompson!

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!