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Southern Charm Recap: Shady Pat

It may have taken five years but I feel like Southern Charm has finally come into its own. Before this season the group felt disconnected and not like a cohesive circle of friends that we see on Bravo's other shows. Kathryn was always left out on her own and I didn't buy that this group of people could actually be friends, but after five years of deep seeded relationships together and no more Landon, it seems like everyone finally has the real friendships they've previously claimed to have.

Thomas made breakfast for his barely legal, opportunist, gold-digging boo Ashley and I made me want to throw my TV in the trash and pretend that I never had the ability of sight or sound. His preparation of scrambled eggs was hard to watch and if Ashley wasn't the person consuming them I would feel bad for the person that had to. How does this guy have so many young girls falling all over him? Imagine waking up to that wrinkly, misogynist pig every morning. He either has a massive dick or more money than we could ever imagine because that's the only logical explanation. The couple talked about getting married and having kids but they've only been together for a few weeks?! She was sad that she got her period at Shep's birthday party and that was the reason they were in the bathroom. I would like to think that her period stopped them from fucking in the toilet but this is Thomas Ravenel we are talking about. There is no way that Thomas' pocket and reality TV stardom isn't influencing Miss Ashley's decision to stay. Ugh, as much as her presence on screen makes me question my mental health, I love to hate a good villain on reality TV.

Austen and Craig also met up for beers and the showered version of Shep claimed that his old job at his beer business is the reason that all the bar workers in Charleston know who is, but I think that his job on an international reality TV show is probably the reason for his fame in bars. The two recently single guys also talked about hooking up with new girls and Craig confessed that he wishes he was born gay. Umm, is he trying to say something? He does have a "roommate" named Sean, a passion for sewing and/or gardening and is very manscaped, so it wouldn't be that surprising if this Southern Charmer decided to play for the other team. Shep arrived and the group moved the conversation on and just ignored Craig's soft coming out. Imagine the storyline of a late in life gay cast member? It writes itself.

Speaking of Craig's possible homosexuality, Kathryn stopped by to hang out and see his sewing creations that he wanted to make for Kensie and Saint. Aww, he's like the gay uncle that they don't have. Craig shared that he gets the same high from sewing that he gets from gardening, but at least he's not getting a high from cocaine like the rest of his cast mates on this show. The redheaded single mom spilled the tea to Craig that she and Thomas hooked up after the reunion taping in New York last year, which isn't surprising in the slightest considering the inconsistent track record of his penis and her vagina interacting. Apparently, the old fart professed his love for Kathryn and said he wanted to have another baby with her. Ugh. He needs to get off that loop, shut the fuck up and have serious therapy lessons in how to think with his head opposed to his dick.

The final scene was Cameron's sixties themed baby shower which was hosted by Patricia. Is she still on the show? I love the Empress of Charleston and her flowing caftans but she appears more than her son Whitney does, and I'm not complaining. The sixties theme made me feel like I was on a bad acid trip and the colourful costumes were too much to handle. It looked like a fairy got too drunk and threw up in a clothes basket full of tie-dye and headbands. As it was a Patricia Altschul event, Kathryn and her new dyed blonde hair were kept off the guest list, however, it wasn't a complete surprise for her because Cam called Kathyrn on her cracked phone and told her that Pat didn't want to invite her. Not being invited to an event has become as common as a surprise drug test for Miss Dennis, so I don't think she was shocked or stunned by this latest un-invitation.

Naomie decided to take it upon herself to find out why Kathryn wasn't invited to the party. Trying to get Patricia to have a friendship with Kathryn is harder than Trump not tweeting about nuclear war. Just when Naomie started the conversation with Pat, she did the true Southern thing and walked away to greet a guest that wasn't there. In the land of the South, full of fakery, no one can beat Patricia and her caftans. If Southern Shade was a college degree, Shady Pat would have passed with flying colours and could probably become a professor in the field.

To end the party, Cameron's cake got wheeled and it was.. intense. It gave Cam an idea of what to look forward to when the baby falls out of her and my lame descriptions won't be able to do it any justice. So here is a picture of the very lifelike cake. ​​

Is it bad that I would still eat it?

After the reveal of the cake, Naomie and Craig started feuding over, actually, I don't what the fucked they were fighting about this time. These two fight over the pettiest bullshit and they should really just not interact with each other because although it's entertaining - it's repetitive as fuck to watch. Naomie, of course, couldn't miss the chance to come for Craig's sewing and lack of ambition, while Mr Conover just stood there in his sixties top giving his lawyer responses. Where was his "roommate" to come to the rescue? Maybe the "roommate" is the real reason for their breakup? Just when Naomie couldn't possibly outdo herself by confronting Shady Pat and her sewing ex-boyfriend, JD and Elizabeth showed up.

The whiskey-drinking cheater obviously only brought Liz along to try and keep up appearances and make it seem like Naomie was lying at Shep's party. JD's soft-spoken fake voice and his echoing chuckle gave me hives and I would really prefer it if I didn't have to endure his puffy face on my screen every week. Elizabeth is obviously the long-suffering wife and will do whatever her serial cheater husband tells her to do. If I was Naomie I would be PISSED that I tried to stand up for my friend only for her to side with her gross, bloated blob of a husband. But I guess she was pissed because the episode ended with her flipping them the bird as they walked out of the party.

At this point, Naomie has successfully solidified herself as the Queen of the show and she isn't even an official cast member. Her dramatic relationship with Craig, opinionated personality and old nose, position her at the forefront of all the drama and she is easily the most sane and level-headed of the group. I just hope that we see more of this Naomie and less of the whiny grownup Gia Giudice that we saw last season.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.