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Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Breakup

Jax & Brittany's relationship has been at the centre of all the drama for this entire season of Vanderpump Rules. What started with the exposure of him ploughing Faith, ended with him dumping his faith-ful (no pun intended) boo Brittany. If there's one thing that's been reaffirmed from this glorious season of television, it's that Jax Taylor, was, is, and always will be a cum stain on the rug that is life.

The only eventful part of this episode was Jax & Brittany's break up, which is kind of redundant and stupid considering the fact they are still together in real time. Jax is a producers dream because not only did he instigate the main plot point for the season from the first episode, but he ended it by breaking up with his devoted Southern girlfriend. Talk about bookends. It's a fucked up fairytale that writes itself. The cruel breakup was followed by the swollen thumb walking down the hall to inform TomKat that not only did he rip Brittany's heart out of her busty chest that he purchased, but that he did it after they had sex that morning. The worst thing about this situation is that Jax can't even see how putting your penis in someone and then ending your relationship with them hours later - is wrong.

Due to Jax's Reiki master and side piece Kelsey being of the country, he decided to see another therapist to try and "help him" with his emotions post-split. The serial cheater has had therapy about his shitty ways since season one and nothing has changed. It is so obvious that these sessions are mandated and set up by the producers trying to make us appeal to Jax's softer side but I am not buying it for a second, because if Jax Taylor even had the ability not to be a cunt, he would have changed his ways after he knocked up the pornstar. Wow, can you imagine even having a problem like impregnating an adult film actress?

Basically, Jax claimed that he caused 90% of the problems in his relationship and then cried crocodile tears to his "therapist" who sat there unamused by his shocking performance. For anyone wondering why Jax is a 38-year-old, unemployed "mactor" I think we now know. Brittany's tits are more real than those tears that he managed to cover with his beefy fingers. Sorry to be graphic but can you imagine those sticks of butter inside you? For all we know, Jax was probably slamming girls 12 ways to Sunday at his hotel during the breakup when the cameras weren't rolling, so those "tears" don't mean shit.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the land of WeHo, Brittany was beaming her Kentucky smile for the world to see as Jax continued to pout about the split that he caused himself. As a part of Brittany's quest to try and get over Jax she flirted with the hot new bartender Adam at Lala's show. Obviously, he didn't get anywhere close to her Kentucky muffin but she definitely wanted us to think that he did. Adam looks 19-years-old with an overly sculpted face and muscles - so a young Jax Taylor, that isn't an asshole.

We know that ultimately Butter Fingers and Kentucky did rekindle their romance in real time and Brittany reverted right back to her excuse makings which we've seen via interviews and Instagram, which just made this episode a total waste of time. I don't care what excuse she gives us at the reunion and how many times she says "but I luuvee him" because I agree with Tom Schwartz - we can't give her any empathy. Jax cheated on her, said disgusting things about her and then broke up with her, she knows that he is a pig and can't be upset when he commits another cunty action again in the future because she chose to stay when everyone else told her not to.

Apart from the monumental waste of time that was the breakup of Jax & Brittany, nothing else really happened. Tom & Ariana went house hunting and any place is better than the dungeon that is their apartment. Sandoval has been on TV for six years now and he still resides in that dingy, electrically challenged, scary apartment, it's about time that they moved on to bigger and better things. The first house they saw looked okay but if you had reality TV money wouldn't you go all out? I understand that these two have to keep up the persona that they are just poor bartenders who live in WeHo but they are also bona fide reality stars on one of the most popular TV shows in the world - they deserve to be living it up in a place that isn't plagued with rats and her weed obsessed brother. I hope that they put an offer in on that house so that at least one of the couples on this show will take a step closer to adulting.

Lala "The Queen of Feminism AKA Sugar Baby" Kent also performed her showcase full of autotuned pop-rap songs with DJ James Kennedy and it wasn't a complete mess like Scheana Shay's discography. Lala is a great singer and I'm surprised that her music hasn't taken her in another direction. No tea, no shade - I like Lala! Everyone pretended to be surprised that Lala's man wasn't in attendance but he hates Bravo cameras, so there is no chance that he would have step foot in that dive bar, even if he wanted to. All up it was a pretty uneventful episode but next week is the season finale and like usual, Jax Taylor is at the centre of controversy.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!