RHOBH Reunion Recap: Gag Order
I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted from this reunion and it's only part two. The thought of sitting through a third instalment makes me want to shave my head, take a vow of silence and live as a monk in some sad third world country. Yes, I'm watching and recapping this show at my own will - but when I start something I make damn sure that I finish, even if it involves seeing Dorito Kemsley gaslight everyone for hours on end.
The back of my eyelids provide me with more compelling drama than this group of women and Bravo is worse because they gave them a three-part reunion when they didn't even deserve one. Nothing about this reunion is interesting, funny, controversial, or anything that a typical reunion should be. When the most entertaining part of the episode is an entire segment dedicated to the ladies outfits and we seeing them actually eat lunch, then that's a problem. Did they really have such little usable footage that they needed to show the girls pretending to eat in their rooms and be forced to swap notes on the boring reunion? Aside from the mysteries of LateGate and how Erika manages to spend $40,000 a month on glam, I'm so confused about the mystery of how LVP literally changed out of her whole dress to put a white robe on and curlers in her hair during their short lunch break.
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You can tell even the Housewives themselves are over the boredom that is their show. Rinna's was counting down the minutes in her head before she could rip her wig off and Erika was done from the moment she stepped out onto the stage. In this second part she still internally and externally eye-rolled every time Andy would ask her a question and she'd eventually reply with a blunt, shady answer which left everyone sitting on the couch in silence at her awkward response. If the women aren't even interested in participating in this dumb reunion then we really shouldn't be subjected to this painful pastime.
I'm trying to think of anything noteworthy that took place but my brain has already started suppressing any memory of this tired reunion including LVP changing the colours on her dress to make it look like she had boobs. Nope. No fucking way. Maybe it's a lack of sleep or my anger about having to write about such an uneventful episode but I was not here for those dumb faux sequin tits on her chest.
This is a woman approaching the possibility of moving into palliative care sooner rather than later, and she's running around still desperately trying to be funny and/or relevant. Vanderpump and her turkey neck aren't funny and her tired obsession with lame sex jokes needs to be put to an end.Someone cancel her because she has more than run her course on her two Bravo shows. To think I was finally starting to like her after she successfully destroyed Patrick and his man bun.
Through the tedious reunion, Kyle got PTSD from seeing all her handbags during the clips and talked about her robbery, which was probably the thing I was most invested in and it didn't even take place on camera. The shadiest part of the story was that Teddi's Vampire Diaries wannabe husband's company were installing new surveillance in her house but it wasn't officially hooked up at the time of the burglary. Shady fucking boots. Something doesn't seem right. It may have sounded vain to hear someone as rich as Kyle waffle on about losing millions of dollars in jewellery and handbags but most of her stolen possessions were family heirlooms and things of sentimental value that can never be replaced. Nothing has been recovered by surely there's a homeless woman walking around Los Angeles with a blue Birkin bag.
Saint Camille of Grammer joined the group in her last effort to try and gain a diamond for next season. According to the newly engaged OG, she's getting married in October depending on logistics, which means she won't know when she's getting married until she meets with Bravo about her contract next season. I like season one Camille and it's hilarious that all the fans want her back even though she was vilified back in 2010, but I'm apart of that flip-flopper community. She was more annoying than the delusions of Dorito but we need messy bitches on this show, not fake heifers like the ones that line these couches (excluding Rinna because she is my spirit animal of life.) As a part of Saint Camille's segment, she threw shade at Kelsey's potentially small penis, fought with Dorit and gave Andy Cohen the ballgag for the clubhouse. Really? That was not an iconic moment in the slightest, so I'm totally confused how it warranted a place in the WWHL Clubhouse but I guess Andy's thirsty for overrated reality TV paraphernalia.
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Teddi, however, did earn massive brownie points when she called out the accent confused Housewife for gaslighting their conversation especially since I crowned Dorito the #1 Gaslighter on Bravo just last week. She literally talks in circles and by the time she’s finished the sentence, her illogical train of thought and fucked up accent make it difficult to remember what the original question even was, but then accuses Teddi of doing the exact same thing. It would make anyone end up in a straight jacket. For my own mental health, I can no longer talk about the complete and utter mind fuck that is Dorito and her purple sack of a dress because I’ve done it for the last 19 episodes and her annoying behaviour is still the same and arguably worse.
Nothing else happened besides LVP and Dorito fighting about a stupid magazine and me getting ready to throw myself down the stairs to escape the boredom of this show. I just feel sorry for the sweaty cameraman on minimum wage that had to sit there for hours on end filming that horrible day listening to a bunch of grown women fight about being late and drinking out of the wrong glass, he's the real victim. YAWN! The reunion concludes next week if you give a shit.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.