RHOBH Reunion Recap: Petty Mess

I've never been happier about anything more than I've been happy about this tired reunion finally ending. I realise these recaps have become a burn book of these Beverly Hills bitches week after week but like an Asian parent, I push my Housewives to do their best because I know they are capable of so much more than the giant yawn that has been this past season. I complain out of love! As the incomparable Sonja Morgan says "If I'm not complaining take my pulse." I feel like all of us loyal viewers deserve a medal for sitting through 21 ridiculously boring episodes were the biggest drama consisted of someone being late and another one's dead grandma.

The audacity of Bravo to even give these ladies a three-part reunion was astounding, however, for my own sanity, I can no longer dwell on the delusion that Bravo has around this boring franchise. The most compelling beef of this entire reunion has been between Erika and Andy with her passive aggressive answers and cold demeanour. I don't know if Mr Girardi lowered the monthly glam allowance to $20,000 a month of if her flow was extra heavy that day, but Miss Jayne was NOT having it for the entire three parts. I'd often catch her staring at the roof and counting down the minutes until she could dismantle her high pony. I'm not even 100% what happened because all I could hear were the voices in my head chanting "WHO CARES!" Should I probably get that checked out? Yes. But were they right? Fuck yes!

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We once again delved into the dumb messy threesome that is LVP, Kyle and Dorito's relationship and I still can't figure out for the life of me what they are fighting about but I did realise that I don't care. These three aren't friends off the show, we never see them in each other's presence if it isn't Bravo related so I don't care about their faux reality TV friendship that's so fragile a few dumb comments caused by Dorito's shit talking amnesia and Kyle's lack of knowledge about Lisa's deceased grandma could cause such a rift. It's stupid, it's boring and I care more about Harry Hamlin's fetish for a muff full of hair. Seriously, I would watch an eight-part miniseries on the actor vividly detailing how he likes his pubes maintained. Netflix are you listening?

As phony and fake as the friendships are on this show, the one thing which did grab my attention during this reunion was Kyle's relationship with two other bitches - her sisters. Kathy Hilton and Kim "You Stole My Goddamn House" Richards, to a lesser degree, are still mad at Kyle for "exploiting" their lives by producing her "inspired by" TV show, which has almost been her storyline for the last three years. She shared that she and Kathy haven't spoken in six months although LVP and her dusty muff saw Paris Hilton's mom only the night before. What the fuck? Why is Lisa hanging out with Kyle's sister more than Kyle is and the night before the reunion for fuck's sake?! Deep-rooted family drama is what makes a show good. Bravo, give Kathy the diamond she's always been salty about not getting, throw Kim and her booze a check for a couple of guest appearances and get these three fighting because THAT is the type of threesome fight we want to see.

Erika Jayne could have been swapped out with a mannequin halfway through the reunion and no one would have known the difference. However, the time came for her to rehash her "feud" with Teddi and I use "feud" lightly because some cold behaviour and a raised voice do not a feud make. Bravo is reaching for straws at this point. I can't decide if Erika was being a bitch of if Miss Accountability is just too sensitive but I couldn't be bothered to actually come to a solution of my thoughts. In the court of public opinion, Erika did not come across good after this reunion, which is probably the reason why streets are claiming she won't be back with her Gays for another round. However, Housewives are supposed to yell at each other, it's literally in their job description so if Teddi wants to keep her boring toned ass on the show, she needs to learn how to attack or be attacked because this pricy behaviour isn't entertaining and it isn't what we want in a real housewife.

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In the space of one season Erika went from the sassy, loveable breakout star of the show to being a stone cold bitch who inappropriately snapped at people and spent way too much time and money trying to keep up with the Erika Jayne persona that almost made her become a caricature of the former star we once fell in love with. I'm not mad at Erika. I like her irrational breakdowns and how she put Teddi in her place, but who knew that one boring girl with a deep voice and a fake job would be the key to Erika Jayne's undoing. Obviously, she doesn't need the money but she does need the fame and whether she comes back or not doesn't matter but I don't see her sticking around for too long if the fans don't like her.

For the final moments of the reunion, the ladies reflected on their boring behaviour and celebrated by drinking champagne out of beer mugs, except for Dorito who couldn't bear the thought of drinking from a different cup and opted for a champagne glass to ruin all the fun. This is exactly why Dorito and her accent are both amazing TV and the worst thing to ever happen to our planet. Hearing the clinks of their beer mugs symbolised the end of a boring chapter and hopefully the reemergence of a messy Housewife by the name of Brandi Glanville.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.