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Jersey Shore Recap: Sloppy Joes

After the tease of Ron's pregnant girlfriend entering the shore house following their online beef earlier that week, I was almost having an orgasm over the potential mess that could have unfolded on our screens. You have no idea. However, in actuality, Jen's arrival on the show provided us with nothing more than mumbled conversations and squirming moments from the Tasmanian devil.

Her initial entrance into the house didn't spark anything and after Ronnie took her on one of his infamous house tours and she revealed her background was "Great Britain or something" the crew all sat down for their first family dinner with an outsider. Personally, I don't believe Ronnie's pregnant baby mama was worthy of being their first dinner guest. That title should have been reserved for another famous heavy drinker and Philander, for example, the likes of Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan or even 2007 Britney Spears, but not fucking Jen "Taco" Harley.

The dinner was as awkward as you'd expect when the new addition awkwardly clapped back at The Situation, who swapped his cocaine addiction for food, by calling him the same name Ronnie had previously called him: The Incarceration. Inside of filling her head full of penis like he did to the last girl he was on a house tour with, Ronnie was obviously filling her head with shade to throw at Mike since he had to be nice to the GTL addict turned Popeye lookalike to keep from him exposing his french fry secret. It's okay when the squad roasts you but when the mute pregnant baby mama of a squad member tries to step in it's just not acceptable. Who asked you to speak, Jen? That's right no one, so sit back with your pasta because we can all talk about you getting your taco stuffed on a taco. Jen's vagina must be more puffy and disproportioned than The Incarceration's new face. Her shade may have been out of line but "The Incarceration" is a better and more realistic nickname than "The Situation" ever was.

Ronnie & Jen also had mumbled conversation about the state of their relationship and Ronnie's obviously suspect behaviour over sushi (are pregnant women allowed to eat raw fish?!) I wanted to pay attention to this scene but both of them are so disinterested in each other, it made me uncomfortable to watch. All their conversations consist of awkward one-word answer and both parties wishing they were anywhere else. He didn't admit to his french fry fetish and explained to his housemates he would tell her about the incident after filming wrapped and when she wasn't heavily pregnant. WELL, WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT DECISION TURNED OUT! The biggest surprise of the episode wasn't another terrible decision on Ron's behalf, but the fact that he knows how to use chopsticks?! What the actual fuck. I thought for sure Ronnie would have ordered off the kids' menu and ate dino nuggets with his hands. On one hand, I sympathise with Ron for having a baby with someone he barely knows and sticking with her to "try and do the right thing" but on the other hand, he should follow the age-old practice of wrap it before you tap it.

Meanwhile, at the club, Vinny got too handsy with a stripper and picked her up claiming he was "trying to save a stripper." A good way to not alarm your girlfriend is to not be the Superman of strip clubs. Not all strippers can be saved and you're definitely not going to find your Lois Lane in a dirty Miami club. However, due to Vinny having a girlfriend at home he needs to implement a new vacation rule of: no carbs, no pussy. The pale guido admitted his flirty ways to his girlfriend who was sitting in Jersey seething over the phone but all he did was pick a hoe up, he wasn't in the bathroom getting his dick sucked. Elicea should be thanking her lucky stars that Vinny respects her enough to tell her the mundane news in real time and not leave her to find out when she's tuning into the latest episode on Jersday. Instead of picking up the savable stripper, he should have just jacked off and gone to sleep with a picture of his girlfriend on his nightstand.

As a result of missing my reality TV orgasm from the disappointment that was Jen's time on the show and this boring episode, it caused me to think of what all the cast members would be like in the greasy guido sack.

While the old Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino would probably snort coke off a girls tit and fuck her in handstand position, his new and improved persona, "The Incarceration," wouldn't "fuck" he'd make love which would consist of him caressing his partner, wanting to talk about his feelings and eating her ass like it was a cupcake due to his new food addiction. Vinny, being the quietest of the guidos, would definitely be the kinkiest and destroy a pussy with both his penis and way with words. Ronnie would prove why he's called the Tasmanian devil but like a toddler on a play date and a nutribullet, he'd burn out pretty quickly and leave the girl feeling dissatisfied. The best lay would probably be Pauly D who'd have smooth hands, years of practice under his belt and he would get W-I-L-D because that hair can go through a wind tunnel and still look the same.

For the girls, Snooki would stay true to her meatball self, flopping around and slipping off the bed. If you think she screams when she sees a spider or can't find her wedding ring, can you imagine what she'd be like when she's cumming? JWOWW definitely takes out the title of best female lay because she would ride you like a motorbike and ride you GOOD. Jenni has been around the block more than once and would let Roger know who the fuck is boss. And as for Deena, I touched on this briefly last week, but her beat up, bitten apart and put back together vagina would have had some damage. I feel like you'd catch that thing oozing down her legs on a hot summers day. Deena's cunt would resemble Caitlyn Jenner's face if she had a ricotta cheese facial and deserves the name Sloppy Joe. Can you imagine your vagina be nicknamed after a gross burger? For that reason alone, I can't even fathom the idea of the meatball getting ploughed.

Yep. The episode was that boring that a good percentage of this recap consisted of what the Guidos would be like in bed, but am I wrong? If you think the sex analysis was too much just remember this is a Jersey Shore recap and it would be weird if I didn't write about the sex-crazed Guido's bedroom antics.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

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