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RHOP Recap: Nemacolin Mess

Never in my 2560+ hours of reality TV viewing have I ever seen a single episode with so much mess. Fine, maybe I have but in recent memory, these Maryland ladies are winning the award for being the messiest bitches on TV. I don't understand why any Housewives fan would evade Potomac, because although it's etiquette obsessed start was a little too much, they are bringing their black girl magic in this third season.

The ladies are still on their Nemacolin resort which sounds like a body part you don't want your doctor to give you news about. The facility itself was strangely wealthy and bizarre, especially how the servers robotically served the ladies their meals like it some kind of Scientology training ground. What real-life people would actually travel to a luxurious hotel in the middle of the hoods to climb trees and eat ridiculously expensive food that wouldn't even fill up a quail? I'm convinced there's just one hotel and they just renovate it and change the name whenever a new Housewives group want to go on another "retreat," how else do you explain these places funding if it's not Housewives of Scientology based. There was definitely a culty vibe in the air.

After Gizelle & Charisse's fight with the newbie with the annoying name to spell, Candiace, she was ranting way too much and going way too deep about shade the girls were throwing at each other. Either she has the thinnest skin on the planet or she's playing it up to be relevant on a reality TV show and keep a boring beef alive. I think we can all agree it's the latter. The ladies went out for a mostly uneventful dinner with the Scientology-esque waiters where Karen, and the national treasure that she and her receding hairline are, raised her resentments with Gizelle and Charrisse for talking about her husband, The Black Bill Gates, and then jumped down Robyn's throat for getting involved because Robyn Dixon is not Gizelle or Charrisse, she is Robyn fucking Dixon and no amount of weave or Every Hue makeup that can change that. I try to like Robyn and her broad shoulders, I really do, but it's hard when she constantly gets involved in disputes which don't concern her, just to get more time in front of the cameras. Naturally, Grand Dame Deficit called her a ditzy bitch but then gave the linebacker a coerced apologie. For a group of Housewives, they get really offended by the word bitch. In Atlanta "Bitch" is a greeting.

Their second day in the potentially Scientology dominated resort was filled with physical exercise activities which were more painful to watch than actually participating in exercise yourself. Most of the mess was instigated during these activities because the producers mixed up the group and the ladies couldn't help but spill their friend's tea to the other women. Last week, I was all for #TeamSpringChicken but the pre-pubescent ladies of the cast couldn't stop talking even if they were using Saint Camille's RHOBH ball gag, oh and Charrisse, who tried to bring up Blue Eyes to keep Grand Dame Deficit's bodyguard storyline alive. All the bipartisan drama came to ahead at their second Scientology run dinner with their tiny plates of food.

Monique tried to be fake, saying that Candiace went to fair and acting as if she didn't rile her up to confront Gizelle & Charrisse, however, the cheerleader and Little Miss Messy Ashley had to remind us of Monique's previous interfering ways which were supported by flashbacks. The Bravo flashbacks will always catch your lying ass, Miss Samuels knew she fucked up, so she tried to sit back and eat her plate of tiny, cult prepared food. However Monique and her braids somehow managed to slide out of the drama between Candiace and Charrisse when the two ladies on different ends on the age spectrum, gave each other very bitchy apologies, but I guess an apology is an apology! The mess continued when the linebacker tried to be "supportive and concerned" for Monique and questioned if her car crash was a result of drinking four martinis due to tea Messy Ashley had served her. The only thing I hate more than heights and mushrooms is when Housewives pretend to be concerned that their co-star is having a drinking problem when it is obviously a calculated move to try and throw shade and deflect from their own situation. Ugh, Miss Linebacker really does not want me to like her.

Of course, Monique denied the alcohol claims and redirected her anger at Ashley for saying she had four drinks when she only had two or three. I guess there's a huge discrepancy in Maryland between getting drunk from two, three or four drinks. Do I think Monique is an alcoholic? Of course not. Do I think she was tired? Yes. Should she just blame it on the alcohol? Yes, every fucking time. The third shady encounter at this dinner was between Grand Dame Deficit and Little Miss Messy after Karen had heard from Gizelle that she was telling people over Potomac she was seen with Blue Eyes. I don't know what it is but this bodyguard storyline is the gift that keeps on giving, who knows if Karen was stepping out on The Black Bill Gates but I love the thought of her pulling her wig off and getting ploughed by a buff blue eyed gentlemen. Karen, of course, couldn't help but clap back at Ashley's messy behaviour by bringing up her husband's (alleged) gay affair which I love even more than the Blue Eyes tea because every time she talks about his wandering penis, my story gets more views as a result. Don't mean to brag.

After Blue Eyes was brought up yet again, Charrisse and her friend of position couldn't help but bring up what Grand Dame Deficit had told her in private, which was that Ray had asked her for a divorce. The crowd gasped. Wigs were pulled. And this messy dinner only got messier.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

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