Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: Possum's Prick
The SURvers touched on so many topics during this second part, yet nothing really happened. Everyone stayed in their seats, drank water and didn't provide us with any iconic moments but we do have one episode left to hopefully redeem this reunion.
Scheana returned from her Jax induced walk like the "professional" she is. What kind of professional is Scheana? Aside from questioning what exactly Miss Shay claims to be a professional in, I couldn't stop questioning why exactly LVP and her dusty muff had to preside over this reunion. It confuses me. All she does is sit next to Andy scolding her "workers" and making bad tired sex jokes that no one thinks are funny but they all have to laugh to keep their jobs. Lisa Vanderpump is almost like a quasi-dictator of a war-torn country because you say one wrong thing to or about her and you've lost your reality TV income and/or your family. RIP Brandi Glanville. I want to make a petition so Lisa and her tired blowout can take a hiatus from next year's reunion because she is just an unnecessary hanger-on at this point.
I fucking hate recapping reunions. They may be fun to watch but every single blogger out there knows it is anything but fun dissecting the drama that goes down between the cast. Most beefs stay stagnant and the conversations jump all over the place, especially because there are no video packages in a Pump reunion. However, in the absence of any big moments happening in tonight's episode, here's a rapid fire of the weird fun facts we learned:
Martin Scorsese watches the show (according to Lala's man)
Faith told people she got Jaxed multiple times. He denied it. The real question is: has anyone offered the 95-year-old woman who watched the incident therapy, councilling or an optional euthanasia appointment?
Schwartz and his Jimmy Neutron hair felt like a possum's prick after blacking out and making out the Lala's friend
Katie went to school with the said girl who made Tom feel like a possum's prick
Everyone didn't know what a possum's prick is
I don't know either
Stassi and Ariana were weirdly nice to each other
Lala doesn't want to fuck a cute guy
James Kennedy may have inherited George Michael money
Jax thought #MeToo was women empowerment
Scheana wanted to die for the entire hour of television
After Lala spoke about her man and potential sugar daddy, she spilled the tea on DJ James Kennedy's living situation with an older man who pays his rent and he saw: offers to buy him dinner in a Bravo flashback. WHERE WAS THIS TEA ALL SEASON? If the Logan rumours didn't make you think he had peed in the man pond, sharing an apartment with an old man who frequently spends time in San Franciso should make you think otherwise. After four years on reality TV and a DJ career, you would think James and his chin would be able to afford their own WeHo apartment without sucking some old Gay dick but maybe he likes the struggle of being a sugar baby. We need a spinoff into the bizarre world that James Kennedy lives in and his potentially gay side life. Anything's possible in West Hollywood.
The group also dove into the drama that involved Scheana hooking Brittany up with the hot bar back even though she was still with Jax. Blah, blah, blah. How many times can Scheana and her annoying voice retell the exact same story? She wanted Kentucky to meet a nice guy to know there are better people in the world than Jax. End of story. It's the most boring and over talked about storyline ever and I care more about James Kennedy's sugar baby side hustle than I do about Scheana's questionable intentions. However, the one thing I care about less than the Adam drama is Billie Lee and her Bambi eyes.
Like fetch, I'm convinced that Billie Lee is also not going to happen. It's not that she's transgender because I believe this WeHo based show needs LGBT involvement but Billie Lee's entire segment was already shown in "the next on" last week and there's no rhyme or reason to waste her time or ours by talking about her non-existent drama and storyline. She claimed to be welcomed with open arms by all the SURvers when she started working there which is expected because no one was going to be mean to the new trans girl on the show. If she had been hazed the way Stassi did to Scheana in the vintage days of the show, there would have been an outcry and the word transphobic would have been thrown around way too often.
Bambi Eyes also spilled the tea about her vagina from Thailand but if her "perfect" cunt is going to be a storyline then I think we deserve to see what she's working with. Bravo then reached for a purpose to put Billie Lee on the stage and made the SURvers discuss Stassi's podcast and her date with Jeremy, but no one even fought about either of those things. Note to Billie Lee: if you ever want a second season on a reality show, the reunion is the place to throw down to secure that spot. Or she could just fuck Jax in the season seven premiere. #MeToo as Mr Taylor would say. I could care less if Bambi Eyes came back for another spin around the block but if she does I want her to have some authentic beefs with the cast members because that's how you earn your place on this show.
The group also talked shit about Jax's Reiki master Kelsey and her odd smile, long hugs and sex operator voice. There is a 98% chance that Jax's penis was in at least one of Kelsey's holes during the duration of the season because nothing else explains him buying croissants and incense, or incest as Andy Cohen likes to call it. It sickens me that Jax and Brittany are still together. Yes, his father died. Yes, Brittany blindly loves him, but seeing them next to each other causes me to have a vitriol response. On top of everything, I just feel sorry for her Southern vagina because Jax's butter sticks of fingers would break even the strongest of pussies.
Speaking of powerful pussies, the group discussed Lala's questionable feminist ways due to her believing in women uniting but also believing in getting gifts from your sugar daddy and body shaming other girls. Honestly, you do you, Lala. Who cares if LVP or Stassi don't agree with Lala's unique brand of feminism because guess what. .. It's Lala's unique brand of feminism and no one else has to agree with it.
We ended the boring episode with the Maloney-Schwartz's reflecting on their first year of marriage and being in a better place because Katie could finally accept herself years after falling through a skylight. Those two are truly in love and are stronger than ever which I don't think was bullshit. Yes, the large majority of fans hated Katie and her tequila induced alter ego last season, but that hate was the reason she reevaluated her life and become a more wholesome human being. Who knows, next season Tequila Katie's bitchy ways could be back in full force and this hallmark moment of their relationship could be over, however, until then everyone (except Scheana, of course) was happy for them being in a good place.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!