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Southern Charm Recap: Creepy Cunt Club

For the majority of these recaps I've focused on the girl's Pussy Power Pack so it's only fair I divert my attention to The Creepy Cunt Club who come together to drink whiskey, laugh like Disney villains and talk like the chauvinistic pigs they are. Thomas Ravenel is the founder and president of the organisation with J.D. being his drunk treasurer. Those two are by far the worst but Shep, Craig and Whitney hold membership cards to the group while Austen is an honourary CCC participant. I actually like the latter four men and they aren't anywhere near as creepy and/or cunty as the president or treasurer of the club but they are guilty by association from even conversing with the leading philanders of the group. Basically, the group has two key members with a few hangers-on.

Shady Pat in all her regalness held an elegant Asian themed dinner for the Creepy Cunt Club which was unfortunately wasted on Thomas and his baggy knee of a face. Craig, who is the resident old woman of the group, is too busy sewing to waste his time making sexist remarks and cackling with a disgusting face which could kill a baby. The seamstress' aversion to being a pig could probably stem from his new aversion to pussy because it's hard not to believe his new roommate Sean is just his "roommate". If they are talking about buying pets together then I don't think we'll have to wait very long until Craig's coming out episode. He would SO be a bottom!

Whitney is a confusing member of the group. He seems to actually have morals and respect for other human beings but he still has the old southern heritage which binds him to the club. He doesn't talk much and I'm not sure if he's actually a cast member on the show but he's busy expanding the Southern Charm franchise and he's not an asshole, so I'll give him and his tracksuits a pass.

Austen and his Cabbage Patch face have a boyish charm you can't ignore. He's been on the show for the smallest amount of time which makes him the purest of the Creepy Cunt Club but he's slowly slipping into a Peter Pan lifestyle by staying out till the sun comes up and trying to find a girl who can be a nocturnal creature like him, which is what brings us to Victoria. The showered Shep's new girlfriend is Chelsea's former friend who dropped her as soon as she got a load of what Austen was packing. His new boo is a weird horny hippie type with blonde hair and a soft-spoken voice, basically Barbie if she smoked pot. They made out on their date and decided they were going to become exclusive, so I guess Peyton's chance at more camera time is lost because Austen has a girlfriend and Craig has a "roommate."

In between Shep dishwashing red solo cups and his face dropping, the mailbox money maker has officially been welcomed into the CCC and is starting to become a permanent member. Shep can have as many inspirational lunches with Cameron and dating shows as his wants but at the end of the day he'll always break up with a girl because her middle toe is too big and her liver isn't as strong as his. It's a dangerous path to travel down because before you know it you'll be a 54-year-old alcoholic with two sexual assault charges - oh wait, that's Thomas.

Taking a break from the CCC, Shady Pat took Thomas' latest bimbo out to Gwynn's (are they sponsoring the show or something?!) to find her some conservative attire to cover her Mason Dixon line at the sugar daddy's request. $10K later, Ashley strutted her Californian ass around and compared herself to Barbie and Pretty Woman. Yeah, I think both of those things are pretty accurate because I don't believe for a second her fake dumb girl voice and short shorts are in Charleston for Thomas' sense of humour or looks. If you've read anything I've written you'd know Ashley is definitely on my shit list but even she deserves better than Thomas and his predatory ways. I just hope when they break up she gets to keep the clothes like any SMART gold digger would. Patricia also spilled some tea about her life as a kept woman and said it's best to have a life when trying to keep a man in yours - and she would know. I need Pat to write a book on how to get a rich man to propose after only four months of dating because we could ALL benefit from that. Patricia Altschul and her butler Michael will always be the best characters on this show.

Along with the geriatric dinosaur talking about shipping his thirsty girlfriend back to California and complaining about not being able to date other women, he managed to find the time to take his baby mama out for dinner and hint at a possible reconciliation. No one wants the Hot Mess Express to be refuelled and I'm shocked and appalled that the couple happened in the first place. He was an old perv and she was a young girl with badly dyed red hair and an attitude to get on a reality show. Kathryn is my unofficial favourite and I believe she truly loved the old fart, but she didn't get with Shep, Whitney and Thomas in the first season because she liked their personalities. Can you even imagine the sweaty old man moaning and panting on top of you? I think I may hurl. Thomas obviously wants back with Kathryn and her red roots, but she's a smarter and more self-aware woman than she was five years ago. I'm #TeamKathryn till the day I die, or the show's cancelled, whatever comes first.

Is there a way the producers can tinker around and just edit all Thomas' scenes out for the rest of the season? It's offensive, gross and irresponsible if he isn't fired from Bravo considering the entire recent #MeToo movement where other men and projects were axed for doing a lot less than being accused of raping someone. Sure, in a court of law he's innocent until proven guilty but in the court of public opinion, he's been guilty of being a pervy old man since the premiere of this show back in 2014. His presence on screen repulses me more than the sperm whale himself, JD, which speaks volumes because that whiskey drinking serial cheater is literally the worst representation of a southern man, as well as Mr Ravenel.

In all seriousness, if you are a true fan of the show and a decent human being, check out my recent Shade of the Week of the baggy knee where I throw some shade and spill some serious true tea about the felon turned reality star. #FireThomas.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.

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