Jersey Shore Recap: The Dump Is Back
Angelina Pivarnick is the Danielle Staub of Jersey Shore and the similarities are uncanny. The two were both villains for the first two seasons on New Jersey-based reality TV shows, they were hated by the entire cast, ridiculed as a whore and trash, then exiled to a life away from cameras somewhere in the Tri-state area before they both made their returns as "friends of" years later. Seriously I'm 98% sure Angelina is Danielle's long lost daughter that she had to give up for adoption in one of her first 19 engagements. How else do you explain it?
All this Angelina talk comes as the girls went home to see their families. Snooki and Jenni both have children that are literally their exact mini me's and possibly the cutest things on the face of this earth. Snooki's daughter Giovanna looks like a baby meatball with bangs, which was always her ultimate goal. However, the boys were faced with a dilemma because Deena and rompers were still staying in Miami which nobody wanted so they staged a confusing plan to send her back to Jersey to see her husband. They decided to surprise her in a two-phase note prank to try and recreate the glory of the OG JS note but it wasn't as iconic as they'd planned because Ronnie's second-grade penmanship made it hard for anyone to read his illegible writing full of backwards S's and grammatically incorrect sentences. It's a fake note about someone's cheating significant other not a tree house, couldn't someone other than the 7-year-old with an incurable sex drive write the note?
Of course, Deena didn't understand the letter (or the joke) so Pauly just gave her the real note where it was revealed she was going back to Jersey with the two other girls, much to the happiness of the men who wanted a Boys Only Weekend where they could circle jerk, some cigars, drive Ferrari's and do the things only men do when they want to make their balls feel bigger. After the girls left, they ran around in their wife beaters perpetuating racist Italian stereotypes before they went clubbing. Can you describe a more typical Jersey Shore night?
Whilst at the club the boys found a mini Sammi Sweetheart who didn't look anything like the OG version, maybe if Sammi fell over a couple times. She looked like she could play Sammi in a high school musical of the Jersey Shore. Can we just take a moment to think of how iconic that play would be? They could sing a musical rendition of "Who Wrote The Note," Mike's head-butting Italy scene could be an interpretive dance number and Ronnie & Sammi would be the dysfunctional Guido versions of Troy and Gabrielle. Holy fuck, how has this not happened yet? Broadway is missing out. Pauly decided he wanted to fuck High School Musical Sammi which made me uncomfortable on so many levels. Not only did he get her because she was the lookalike of their former roommate and his friend's ex-girlfriend, but the bitch looked about 12 and a half. I could have sworn I saw braces. Nevertheless, he persisted and had sex with HSM Sammi, while Mike ate his feelings, cuckolding Vinny watched and Ronnie seethed downstairs thinking about his friend enter the lookalike of his former love.
However, it proved to be too much for the Guido Tristan Thompson who called a cab and got HSM Sammi out of the house while Pauly was still in her. What the fuck? At least let your bro cum before you kick his hoe out onto the curb and why didn't Pauly just say no? Ronnie is obviously still heavily obsessed with his former boo which makes me beg the question: the fuck why? Sammi was a nightmare who sat in bed for 90% of filming while she complained about her big toe and screamed as Ronnie dragged her bed out of the room. She was a fucking downer on the entire house and it's truly a blessing that she decided to stay in Jersey with her juicehead boyfriend because if she returned someone would have ended up in prison - along with Mike.
Due to the absence of the girls and the lull of drama in the house, Pauly (and the producers) decided the show needed some conflict and gave The Staten Island Dump a call who was waiting by her phone since the moment she heard the group were reuniting in Miami. Ever since Angelina packed her garbage bags and left the house you can tell she was so thirsty to jump back on the Staten Island ferry and head back to Seaside. Pauly clued Ronnie and Vinny in on his producer induced plan and sold it as a prank on Mike and the girls when really it was a clear ploy to get some ratings because everybody loves nostalgia these days, but I'll play along.
Waiting for Rob Kardashian to rock up in Miami was like waiting for a Category 5 storm filled with plastic trash bags to hit, however, the mood was ruined when the majority of this episode was made up of filler scenes with the boy's talking about the potential drama and several flashbacks of Rob's troublemaking ways back in 2010. As Angelina took her journey from Staten Island to Miami, the girls were getting drunk on a plane ready to come back to Florida as well and we should all know by now that a drunk group of meatballs do not mix well with a thirsty dumpster fire. Finally, after an entire episode of being teased with Danielle Staub Jr's return, she knocked on the door with her new face and shocked Popeye, but you couldn't tell because his face looks like a balloon right about now. The boys were about to have an orgasm thinking about seeing the old Situation come out but moments after her reemergence in the house the two former enemies were... hugging? What the actual fuck? All that build up for a hug?
The producers should have waved some $50s in front of his face to make him revert right back to his instigating ways. I know drugs are bad but they worked really well with The Situation and his reality TV career. After the anticlimactic arrival, Angelina and Mike made pleasantries over her third fiance who works in sanitation (I know, the shade writes itself,) her saying he had a small dick and him blocking her on Twitter as a result. Even though Rob/Angelina never saw his actual member, we can all agree it has to be pretty small because he was working overtime to make everyone know that it wasn't. As the anticipation subsided, the girls walked into the house with their freshly purchased tequila bottle and saw their arch enemy sitting at the table with her big lips and dark extensions. I just feel sorry for whoever bought the tequila because that glass bottle is going to end up smashed into her Michael Jackson face by the end of the night.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!