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Southern Charm Recap: Mini Melania

For this year's trip, the gang decided to travel to Hilton Head which sounds like where the Housewives would go on one of their insignificant trips at the start of the season when the ladies would share a house and fight over the best room. Shep and Chelsea's hometown really is a beautiful location but these guys are in their fifth season and deserve at least a nice trip to Mexico or some kind of cheap exotic island vacation paid by Bravo just saying. #JusticeForCharmers.

It seems you have to have a broken phone or body part to be a member of this group. Kathryn's phone has been broken for years, Shep has a janky nose from "running into a door," Naomie broke her ankle from a skateboarding accident and Craig is lucky enough to have both a fucked up phone and a fucked up hand. It's weird that this group can't afford to fix their broken phone screens but they can afford to have Louis Vuitton luggage and designer pastel suits. Priorities. The Pussy Power Pack and the Creepy Cunt Club departed for Hilton Head in two different cars while Thomas was forced to drive up there with his new gold-digging boo who complained about not receiving an invite to Saint's birthday party and made really bad subtle hints about getting engaged. Didn't they literally meet a week ago and she already wants a ring? What the actual fuck. I hope she's okay with a jailhouse wedding because it looks like that could be where T-Rav is headed. Normally I would feel bad for anyone who has to be with Ashley in a confined space for an extended amount of time but in this case, it's Thomas' punishment for his forcible sex fetish.

When Ashley first appeared on my screen I didn't like her fake attitude and insincere soft-spoken voice but after this episode, she is definitely at the top of my Bravo shit list along with Kim Zolciak, Scheana and Dorit. I don't know if it's her crystal clear gold-digging ways, her obsession to get engaged or that her hero is Melania Trump, but I cannot find one damn thing to like about Malibu Barbie. Melania may be her hero but she's slowly turning into her by being an obvious gold digger with a reality star turned politician husband who's accused of sexual assault, she just needs to work on her eastern European accent! Trashley spent $10k on three dresses last week and then tried to get Thomas to buy her Louis Vuitton luggage? Slow your roll. You've known him for a week and you're already trying to drain his bank accounts? Any good gold digger knows that you start off slow and have to pretend like you love the rich geriatric dinosaur before you start filling your closets with designer bags and getting botox for a hobby. Patricia really needs to expand her classes from "How To Throw Southern Shade 101" to "How To Get A Rich Man," but unfortunately she wasn't invited on this trip.

Once everyone arrived at the all-white southern McMansion somehow Thomas managed to get the master suite and Ashley started running her Californian mouth about not having the accurate attire for riding a horse. Holy fuck, it's like she is Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days except she is desperately trying to keep him. Didn't she know the itinerary before she packed? Couldn't she have gone over to the Gwynn's equestrian department and splurged on some riding boots with Thomas' credit card? Come on Ashley, if you're going to be a gold digger at least be a good one. Within minutes of arriving, Thomas sought out the alcohol, ignored his girlfriend and showed Kathryn his bedroom. Yup, that's a good sign that someone wants to be with you. T-Rav always wants what he can't have and now that Kathryn is a sober, self-sufficient woman he enjoys flirting with her but the moment she falls for his baggy face again he'll be obsessed with anything that can walk upright. Do you remember when he allegedly fucked the lesbian? Those were the DAYS!

After the group got settled in and Ashley finished having her tantrum about what to wear, everyone boarded a boat for some reason where Ashley tired to be even more generic and white, then she already is by reenacting the Titanic scene. It's way too easy to snark on this girl, this recap literally writes itself from all her dumb behaviour. The CCC and PPP + Ashley, once again split into two when the boat docked. The men went to play drunk golf and in a group that's always obsessed with wearing colourful suits and pocket squares, I was a bit disappointed that they couldn't get their shit together with their golfing clothes, even Craig let me down. The only noteworthy conversation was about Ashley's gold-digging ways which are obvious to everyone except Thomas. Speak of the blonde devil, who we've talked about for most of this recap, she somehow found suitable horse riding clothes and went riding with the girls only to impede the process and make them all have a boring ride because she didn't want to trot. Ugh. She then sat on the very end of the golf buggy pouting when they were done. This is a girl who complains about being excluded and then isolates herself. Does that make sense to anyone. Question fucking mark.

Following the PPP and CCC's boring physical activities the group met up for dinner and once again Ashley was at the centre of the action, as annoying as she was she really did make this episode. The Queen of Subtlety brought up Kathryn's grandma's recent death in an effort to try and get an invite to Saint's party. Holy fuck how does she do it, how does she become so unlikeable? She's not the one with stretch marks or a vagina full of tears from delivering that child or had to endure sleepless nights or stay up late for feedings so there's no need for her to be there. Why is it even an issue that Thomas' girlfriend of 18 seconds isn't invited to his child's party, why would she be? She started to get angry about not being included and brought up the possibility of what will happen at family gatherings in ten years but Kathryn said what we were all thinking and reminded Malibu Barbie that she won't even be there in a mouth which led to her rebutting with "I see your kids more than you do."

No. Nope. Fucking N-O. In every language: no. That is the one thing you don't say to any mother let alone one with a bad custody situation. Fair enough that Trashley is a complaining gold digger with a thirst for her own reality TV career but that low blow made her go from being an unlikeable ditzy extra to a bonafide villain. I've never wanted to punch someone through a TV screen but Ashley brought that out in me for the first time and she's lucky Kathryn has been through rehab because she would have gotten a shiner for that cunty comment.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.