Jersey Shore Recap: Staten Island Dump
It finally happened. The Staten Island Dump literally took a Staten Island Dump. After she was officially dismissed from the Jersey Shore house by its madame Jenni "JWOWW" Farley she took it in good spirits and partied hard at a Miami nightclub, obviously too hard because on the way back to the house her asshole let out a fart, that turned into a shart which ended with her shitting on the seat. We've all done some crazy shit while being drunk but not actual shit. I'll admit it. Some white girls dance like they are black girls, sometimes you may wake up in a stranger's bed, people may even urinate from time to time, but to take a shit in the back of a cab. Holy fuck. She really deserves her title as the Dirty Little Hamster, but I feel like even that is too clean for her.
Once the girls almost died from shit inhalation in the car and the driver nearly crashed from the stench of Angelina's fecal matter, they arrived back at the house and shared the news with the boys who were equally disgusted and obsessed with Angelina shitting in the cab. Read that sentence again: Angelina shat in a cab. Let that sink in. To make matters worse The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island continued to talk about the shit which didn't help her case. I think she thought it was a cute thing to bring up and laugh about but, no bitch that's nasty. To redeem her shitty behaviour, pun very much intended, Rob confirmed to the group that she didn't shit her pants but in fact "period shit" her pants. I think 9/10 people can agree that is way worse because if there's one thing that's worse than shitting your pants, it's period shitting your pants. Why did her period shit smell like actual shit anyway? What is up with that bitch's digestive and/or reproductive system? I'm confused.
At this point, the Staten Island Dump is such a fitting name for her because she was not only dumped from the group but subsequently took a dump. If it was bad enough that she shit herself and then passed it off as period shit, things got EVEN WORSE when she took her underwear off to show everyone the skid marks which caused the entire gang to run away like they were Khloe Kardashian seeing a white penis. I was distraught, horrified and scared but I also really wanted to see the mess of that underwear and get the receipts on what the fuck when down in those things. All I could think about the whole time was her upper leg and vaginal area, couldn't she jump in the shower or something instead of walking around with it like a baby in its diaper. Just ew. I have no other words. JUST EW. Shit obviously happens and I'm no prude but her delivery of the shit or potential period shit made the funny situation into a fucking disgusting one.
Wow, I cannot believe half this recap has been consumed with all this shit talk but not much happened. Angelina got upset that her dump ruined her time in the house and left a bad impression on everyone in it but Snooki told her to stop crying over dumb shit, literally, and she went the fuck to sleep. No one in the house actually liked Angelina whether she shit her pants or not so her tears were pointless. The next morning the guys wrapped her luggage in garbage bags and she walked away from the house grateful for the experience and excited to start new relationships with her former enemies as she hugged a stuffed bunny in her cab. However, on the other side of the door, the GTL family were just happy to get rid of her and definitely didn't intend on seeing any incarnation of her face ever again, all she was was a fun prank by Pauly. It wasn't that she was a bitch, she just wasn't apart of the family and none of them would have felt comfortable kicking back for a month with a complete stranger. It's like letting a hobo stay with you. It's a good deed in the beginning but after a few days, you just want your fucking house back.
To unwind from Hurricane Angelina which wasn't even that big of a hurricane, maybe just light showers, everyone decided to head over to Bimini in The Bahamas to have "a vacation from the vacation". Wow, if I had a dollar for every time someone uttered that annoying phrase I would have enough money to pay off Mike's restitution. Speaking of the soon to be Incarceration, is he even allowed to go to Bimini? Didn't the government seize his passport? Did everyone just overlook that or was MTV hoping to pull a sneaky move? Question the fuck mark. I guess we just had to roll with a potential convict fleeing the country while the group had fun in the tropical water, jumping off abandoned ships and feeding stingrays. It may have been fun for them but it was definitely not as much fun to watch. After their short excursion, Mike went back to the hotel to live his best life, which is just code for "stuff my face and take a cat nap." He ordered room service and I have no idea how he can physically stuff that much food inside of him, but somehow he did it.
Big Daddy Sitch, which like fetch is never going to happen, kept everyone waiting to eat dinner but then in an anticlimactic turn of events, he managed to catch the same shuttle as them and have another boring meal where they once again talked about him marrying his girlfriend. That was it for their Bimini adventure, but of course, on their way back to the US mainland Ronnie and Mike couldn't help but roast each other in what was my favourite roast of the entire series. The Situation thought he was slick saying "Don't come for me" to which Ron rebutted "Remember to say that in jail when you drop the soap." UM HELLO. Who knew he was that quick? Ronnie just went up like ten points in my book. As they prepared to come home, Vinny's mother and uncle crashed the house which was sooo scripted it's not funny. I know they are like the godparents of everyone in the house but am I the only one who's over his mom's coddling ways and the uncle's thirst to be one reality TV? Eh. Nevertheless, the Guadaginos landed in Miami and they got a much warmer reception than Little Miss Dump.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!