Southern Charm Recap: Stockholm Syndrome

Let's start with some good news. Cameran finally had her baby after not being excited about her pregnancy all season long. I should probably give her a pass for being pregnant and dealing with an actual life event but she really hasn't done anything this season. We are at least halfway through and it feels like Cam hasn't even begun, we see her for a couple minutes each week where she bounces on an exercise ball and eats pickles but that's really it. After the baby's procrastination, there weren't even Bravo cameras in the hospital which is just annoying. What are they paying her all this money for again?

While the crew were in Hilton Head, Shep stopped by his mom's house and the trust fund baby had another conversation about settling down and trying to find the right girl. Ugh. Five years and a dating show later Shep still hasn't found the one. I hope he finds a girl who studies literature yet loves to do shots until 8 am but I am going to shoot himself in the head if I hear him talk to anyone else about his future. Doesn't he find it annoying that every scene, every reunion, every WWHL he's always asked the same thing? You'd think he'd at least have had his own starter marriage just to let the chatter subside but he must really not be able to stand being around a girl 3 seconds after he creams in her.

The PPP also went to visit Chelsea's old house where she started crying in the driveway and had to get back in the car. We found out that her stepdad died and they were left with nothing. That's super sad but from her reaction, you'd think he passed IN the actual driveway. Chelsea is a closed book which makes her a strange addition to a reality show but it was good to see her actually open up and not pass everything off with her country accent. She's probably the only person on this show with an actual job which makes her aspirational and relatable at the same time. Chelsea is definitely the least explored character on this show which is why they should make their own or YouTube series about her job as a hairdresser and call it "Chelsea Cuts" where she interviews celebrities or just everyday people while she does their hair. It would be like Teri Hatcher's new van series but a lot less rapey. ​I'll expect my check in mail Bravo.

I don't care about Austen and Victoria's relationship. Am I supposed to care? Should I care? Do I have to care? The answer to all three questions is a big, fat, juicy no. Austen is the cute southern Ross to Chelsea's cute southern Rachel because he's way more into her than she is him. We all know they are supposed to be together and I'm confused as to why they even broke up. Chelsea is obviously scared to commit or open up or something but if she decided to take him back Austen would drop Victoria like a vegan frittata. Sorry to all the vegans out there but that's exactly what Vic is: a vegan frittata. She's bland, basic and will annoy the fuck out of you and your digestive system for weeks. ​For more camera time on the show, VF decided to be mad that Chelsea leaned against Austen on the freezing boat and called it "disrespectable body language.” Is she teaching personal space to first graders?! Seriously who is this bitch and where did she come from because her nagging voice and tendency to get mad at Austen for every little thing is going to push him right back into Chelsea's muscular arms. Well, to be fair he's already there but Chelsea's just pretending that he's not. Helen Keller and her water could see that Austen is still in love with Chelsea so yes, Victoria should be worried but Victoria should also get the fuck out of there. Run bitch run.

You guys, what happened to Peyton? Am I the only one who lays in bed at night and thinks about Bravo stars who have just disappeared never to be heard from again? Maybe there's a magical island somewhere in the Pacific where all Bravo rejects retire and Peyton's sitting there in her weird smurf costume petting dogs and plotting her revenge against Naomie along with Dwight and Cousin Rosie. Speaking of bitches that are willing to fuck to get on reality shows, let's talk about Craig's life coach. Yep, I went there. I don't know her name but I'm gonna call her Denise. Denise is probably in her mid-forties with a blonde bob, divorce under her belt, a 12-year-old kid in private school and she was just looking to get her rocks off when Craig Conover walked into her office and into her life. She was much more thirsty for Craig to fuck her through a knitted sheet in their first meeting and was a little saltier when she realised he probably batted for the other team ala his roommate Sean. Craig showed her his sad attempt at his self-portrait homework which consisted of shitty magazine cut outs on a black felt board. I'd say that Craig could do better but you could tell he put it together 20 minutes before he was supposed to be there with his life partner Sean.

He admitted that he wants to participate in Patricia's pet pillow line but can't actually get himself to make the products. That's called being lazy. Does he really need to pay Denise $400 an hour to tell him to sew a pillow and suck his metaphorical dick, even though we know she wants to suck his physical one? He proudly bragged about being a pathological liar and his ability to easily manipulate anyone. What the fuck Craig? Denise was almost shaking in her chair and not in the good way. Is this going to be LawyerGate all over again? Speaking of, is he a lawyer because if so he needs to do that instead of paying someone to help him struggle to find the motivation to sew a pillow. In the end, Denise gave him tough love to try and confront why he is a liar. Read that sentence again. Craig is definitely the Sonja Morgan of this show and I love it. Seeing him as a person from the outside looks like he has his shit together but then you get a Bravo crew and head over to his share house where you can clearly see there's shit all over the fucking walls.

Kathryn finally threw Saint a birthday party and Trashley was not in attendance. While the party was heartwarming, Thomas' saggy knee of a face was still present and you could tell the entire cast were counting down the minutes until they could get out of the makeshift Chucky Cheese. Over the last few weeks, we've talked about Trashley way too much and I'm starting to get Stockholm Syndrome. Although she's mentally ill and an evil bitch, her total lack of self-awareness and obvious devotion to Thomas' bank account make for amazing TV. She's also doing the Lord's work of annoying the show's sexual predator and his full teeth laugh on a regular basis, which I highly appreciate. It's the only positive I can find.

Following the party, she met Thomas and asked: "Was I missed?" It was a children's birthday party, not a funeral, why the fuck would she be missed? Then as Thomas chewed on a foot long she ranted about how he and Kathryn aren't a family and complained he doesn't come home while she's naked in bed. Trashley obviously just wants to fight to get Thomas' attention but he's not even giving her that and you can see him slowly plan her death in his head. Trashley can't be threatening Thomas because he will take that Black American Express Card away and sent her back to Santa Barbara on the next flight faster than you can say #MeToo. Sit down, little girl.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.