Jersey Shore Recap: Guadagnino Invasion
The time finally came for the Guadagnino's to invade Miami once again with Paola's Mary Poppins bag full of Italian sausage, bread, olives, pasta and Nino's questionable swimsuits and robes. Yes, their arrival was totally set up and badly planned on the production's part but it always feels good when Paola enslaves herself to the Jersey Shore cast and vacuums the filth from their residence.
Uncle Nino's speech is like the relationship between Ronnie and his baby mama, you just can't understand it. He almost talks in Italian tongues but as if someone cut his tongue off and he was just whaling around trying to speak. Seeing him walk around in that budgie smuggler both frightened and intrigued me and I don't know which is worse. As soon as the invasion was upon the house Vinny looked pissed. Maybe he wanted to be the only Guadagnino in the shore? Maybe he thought they were a bit too thirsty? Or maybe he realised that Nino gets her pussy than he does. Even though he's geriatric and speaks like he's got a mouthful of acidic sand, Uncle Nino can get it. I'm sure there's young THOTs or a couple of ladies from the nursing home who are willing to throw it back for the old Italian stallion. I mean, Sicilian Stallion.
Meanwhile, while Nino sexually assaulted the cast and camera crew with his three sizes too tight bathing suit, Mike was inside trying not to cum from the array of food Paola was preparing. Ever since the soon to be Incarceration gave up drugs and cheating because of his ongoing legal battle, the only joy that he's been able to find in his life has come from an abundance of food, funfetti and masturbation. We all know that Mike's room is covered with tissues and tube socks. When the food was presented to The Incarceration his eyes lit up, his mouth dropped and his pants got wet, he doesn't need to get engaged when he can have Paola cook him a four-course meal. I don't know if it's physically possible to consume the food that Mike does but if he wants to be on season 14 of My 600 Pound Life then he should keep going the way he's going.
After their meal which Vinny's mom slaved over to prepare and then cleaned the entire kitchen herself, the boys went outside in an attempt to roast Uncle Nino, but you can't roast a 60-year-old Sicilian with a tan four shades too dark and bather bottoms 5 sizes too small, there's no shame there. He turned every attempted roast into a joke and then started roasting all the boys who were coming for him. Why doesn't MTV just give him a contract for season two because he has delivered more to the show than The Situation and his funfetti addicted ass has in this entire trip. He called out Ronnie for having fat muscle which is probably the best way to describe him, he's so muscly that he's kinda chubby compared to Mike who is kinda chubby from his tendency to binge food and not from steroids.
The Guadagnino's bring a family and calming vibe to the show which is always welcome considering the smut this group ensues. Don't get me wrong I live for all the cum talk but it's always nice to have the feeling of home, especially when the person who reminds you of home talks dirtier than anyone else. The common theme we've been seeing throughout this season is that Ronnie's life fucking sucks. He's got a pregnant THOT at home who he cheated on and we know found out that said THOT cheated on him too. Was Ron referring to the taco incident or was that a different cheating occasion? Ronnie should have told that story! The muscly fat guido is the junior version of Nino, they don't have a lot of sense, aren't too intelligent and evidently don't have the best decisions. Does getting married 13 times sound good to you? Nino is really putting Elizabeth Taylor to shame. If you can get over a dozen women to want to commit their lives to you and you struggle to communicate with audible language then Nino really must have a huge Sicilian sausage.
When the invasion of the Guadagnino's was over, the conversation immediately turned to talk about Mike's engagement. Obviously, he needed to propose to try and make the judge watching at home go easy on him in court, but I'll play along and act like he loves her. He probably does but I also think he loves funfetti more and they don't have that behind bars. Due to Mike's total lack of effort or input on how wanted to propose naturally, Jenni took control and organised everything while also flying her friend out to design the ring and probably give Mike a big old discount because we know he can't afford to flake on his restitution. Because of Jenny's assertive and dominating behaviour over the intended proposal, Mike's old Situation balls finally started to slowly drop out of his mangina that he's been storying funfetti in during his entire stay in Miami. He bitched about her to the other boys and contemplated playing a prank on her by pieing her in the face. Um, he didn't know what the fuck to do and freaked out when they went ring shopping so he needed JWOWW to take control and actually make shit happen. Without her overbearing ways, Mike would probably get 2-5 more years in jail. He should be THANKING Jenni not fucking her over.
Naturally, Ronnie went back to Jenni and told her all the shit Mike had said because of The Situation's french fry joke weeks earlier. Ron and Mike's beef will never get old and the way they both try to fuck with each other's relationships is both inspiring and sad at the same time. The Situation is in a much better relationship than the male meatball, no one can deny that which is why it's sad to see him obviously long for a girlfriend he can marry and no just a Hooters dropout. Mike's blonde boo joined the group and was her perky self, well we've never met her but I assume she's perky to be able to be so nice to Mike. Not much happened and the crew went out to dinner where surely enough Jenni took her JWOWW side out to address the issue with Mike. Ronnie nearly blew his load at the table seeing her attack his enemy over wanting to throw a pie in her face but unfortunately, Ron got blue balls when the two made up almost instantly. I wouldn't fuck with Jenni and obviously, Mike knows that because instead of involving himself in the drama he apologised and sucked his balls right back up into his stomach.
We ended with everyone coming home from their night out while Ronnie cried in the backyard, confessional room and finally in his bed while he held a rubber duckie. Is there anything sadder than a meatball crying into a plastic duck? Yes, Ronnie's relationship. In a weird way, I sympathise with him because his life is a still a hot mess all these years later. Everyone else has evolved and moved on with their lives and he's still the stagnant dump who was fighting with Sam but instead he swapped her out for a slutter model. Although the drama drives the show and is the reason I tune in, I would really want to see Ronnie settle down and become an actual human being but considering his baby mama lunged and spat at him during filming for next season, I think we have a lot more to expect from this hot mess express.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!