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RHONY Recap: Return Of The Countess

Luann's arrest and subsequent rehab stay have been the selling points for months about why this season will be so good, however, it wasn't until this episode that her prison storyline really came into effect. It's one thing seeing a Bravo made montage of her pulling a Houdini and hearing the ladies discuss her prison stay but her return to the group was always anticipated to be the juiciest part because it's one thing to end up in handcuffs after having sex in a room that wasn't yours but it's another when you have to meet your bitchy reality TV frienemies and tell them the scandalous story of your infamous arrest.

As a result of Lu getting out of her 21-day rehab stay the ladies decided to organise a spa retreat to ease the blow of her returning full on to New York society. She's not Madonna or Cher why would returning to New York be hard? Luann's the star of a reality show it would be weird if someone wasn't getting arrested every few years. Their spa resort was located in Connecticut as a homage to Lu's early nurse days before she married a Count and travelled all over Europe. Luann's life story is pretty juicy but the best chapters have only written themselves these last few months, I would say that she should write her own biography and hire a ghost writer like Erika Jayne or Carole (ha) but we've already seen and heard about all her experiences through her last decade on Bravo and I don't think anyone wants to waste time reading a book when you already know the beginning, the middle and the end. Not the complete end because she's not dead yet but you know what I mean.

The ladies all drove up to the Mayflower resort in separate cars and these dynamics are fucked up. Of course Luann was accompanied by Dorinda, the new bitchy trio of blondes Ramona, Carole and Tinsley were in another car together and finally, Bethenny and Sonja carpooled as well. Bethenny is down to two friends Sonja and her driver Kevin. No one else is fucking with her at this point after her Carole beef, so I guess she had to reassess the group and recruit Sonja as her latest bestie because she's a loyal cast member to have on your side, but does anyone remember TipsyGirl? I'm all for moving on but that shit was no joke back in 2016. On the ride up to Luann's homeland, we finally got to hear her side of the well-publicsed drama that was in the front of all devout Bravoholics minds during the holiday season, seeing her eery mugshot really got me through it! There's something soothing about a middle-aged white rich woman spending a night behind bars in a soiled sundress after she threatened to kill a police officer. Ahh.

Anyway, the story goes as follows. Miss de Lesseps decided to stay at the hotel because her friend had cats which isn't cool for the Countess. Of course, because it was the place where she had been married literally a year before, she got hammered and then met her polo fuck buddy. They tried to go back to her room on the fourth floor after she was feeling "rambunctious" which is Countess for horny, but ended up on the third and thought an open room was hers and "started kissing" but Lu's a fast worker, she definitely would have had more than a tongue in her mouth. Apparently, security and police came and she claims she never kicked them but merely closed the door not to be arrested. After that, she ended up in the back of a squad car, had to sleep in a cell with no shoes on and finally the worst crime of all was how the police threw her a bologna sandwich to eat with a mustard packet on the inside. Can you believe the audacity of law enforcement to give a Housewife carbs?! That is the best drinking story you've ever heard and an excellent anecdote of why not to drink. She's doing the lords work.

Car by car all the ladies arrived at The Shining lookalike resort and no one was happier to see Lu than Bethenny. You know, the girl she called a slut, hypocrite, snake etc. Do we all remember that? The Skinnygirl also said that Lu has never really been a Countess in her eyes and has always been more of an emperor with no clothes. Does she not recall all the shit she's said about Luann in the past about her Countess demeanour? Come on Miss Frankel you aren't fooling anyone, maybe Sonja but she's deeply submerged in B's asshole which is sad because I love seeing my Morgan shine in her drunken glow but I'm just relieved she has friends. All the other blonde bitches complained that Sonja needed help at the start of the season but it turns out she just needed Bethenny, so this friendship is beneficial for everyone: Bethenny has a scene partner and Sonja finally has a friendship. I have an innate love and adoration for Sonja and her sexy J that I can't explain. Tinsley was also annoyed that Luann's arrest was ruining her google search results because it started bringing up her mugshot but no one loves to talk about getting arrest more than Mugshot Fucking Mortimer, take several seats.

Of course, Luann's arrest wasn't the only drama in the episode. Oh no. Through the grapevine (which means a noisy producer) Lu found out that not only did Sonja get invited to Tom's New Year's Eve party in Palm Beach and didn't attend but that Ramona tried to get an invite to said party. Is that not the most Ramona thing ever? Her trying to sneakily turn up to Tom's yacht party was about as Ramona as wearing blue, drinking pinot grigio and apologising. This is the Ramona Coaster, everyone. Of course it's shitty of Ramona to try and get an invite no one is refuting that especially since she texted him while Lu was in rehab after her arrest AND that it had been her wedding that exact day a year before, but Ramona lacks the human decency that many people have in the world today and I'm not saying that as a bad thing, it's just a fact. However, in true Ramona Singer-fashion, she gave Luann a rim job as soon as she saw her and grossly complimented her on every part of her being. If Ramona is ever being that nice to you then you know she knows she fucked up, I always say this but after 10 years on TV you would think she would change her ways and reflect but she's almost gotten worse which repulses many but makes me love her even more.

When confronted about getting an invite she blamed it on her friend and then hit back with "it's not like I was invited to the wedding." You guys, she actually said that. It's amazing how she doesn't find fault in any of her actions but she ended up reverting to her Apologiser ways and gave one of her coerced apologies that no one believes but just has to accept so that they can stop looking at her beady eyes. Ramona is an asshole but she isn't going anywhere so these bitches are going to have to get used to her shitty apologies because if Bethenny couldn't get rid of her last year then no one can. She's the cockroach of RHONY. Not only did she try and get an invite to Lu's slimy ex-husband's NYE party who she had previously dated but she then posted a photo of the group at dinner which Luann found out about from her publicist because it was a bad look for her to go hang out with friends and post it on social media when she's supposed to be keeping a low profile. Who else but Ramona, am I right? Of course, Bethenny reviled in Ramona sitting in shit and got in Lu's ear about why The Singer Stinger is such a horrible person, any chance Bethenny gets to be a bitch to Ramona she'll take and vice versa.

Aside from Ramona's antics derailing Luann's "calming resort vacation" Dorinda also had to shit on Sonja for wearing the Morgan family crest. I love Dorinda Medley with all my heart and soul but much like Bethenny shits on Ramona at any chance she can get, Dorinda does the same to Sonja. After being divorced for twelve years it is a little strange to still wear the crest but if she likes her comfy slippers then leave her be. Sonja likes to live in her old life and can't we all just accept it? Sonja is just a cute little bird with a broken wing that keeps flying into windows and I love her for it, Sonja's townhouse scenes are hands down THE BEST of the entire season and Bravo should really invest in putting 24/7 cameras up in Grey Gardens and put it on a live feed on

However, due to her being a little-broken bird Dorinda should just cut her some slack and fight her real and worthy opponent Bethenny, who chimed in on the fight and brought up how Dorinda kept her dead husband's name to try and make her seem like a hypocrite. Just because your husband dies doesn't mean you change your name, you keep it as a sign of respect but because you get a divorce can mean that you throw away your slippers with your ex's family crest. Morally I'm on Dorinda's side but in practice I'm on Sonjas. Bethenny was just a redundant voice in the background that I'd rather not listen to.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!