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Southern Charm Recap: Marco Polo

Out of all the crazy, disgusting, disturbing and odd things I've seen in my life, the one thing I've never been more shocked and appalled by was Shep's pimply ass. America and the world didn't need to see his pre-alcoholic butt and all it did was make me realise the results of his poor bathing routine and sympathise with the barely legal girls who have to accommodate him in the early hours of each morning. From the shaggy hair, drunk antics and youthful energy you forget that Shep is actually old. Pushing 40 may not be considered old by everyone's standards but when you're still acting like a fratboy when most of your peers have children and stable careers then you seem way older than your biological age.

And can we talk about that meatball dish? If we can call it that? Shep combined mincemeat and a bottle of tomato sauce and called that dinner? Holy fuck. It looked like dog food and it's confirmation this bachelor does not cook. What a catch. A trust fund baby who sleeps till 1 every day, has no work ethic, doesn't want to settle down and is almost 40. Mmmm. I wonder why he hasn't settled down. People always say Shep isn't ready but have we thought about the potential girl he will settle down with? Aside from his moderate looks and family money, he's not that great and I don't think the 23-year-old that he ploughs every night is that interested in starting a family. None of it makes sense and as well as this season teaching me that Ashley Jacobs is the devil incarnate it's also thought me how Shep is basically a Thomas Ravenel Jr with a face that's starting to drop and an alcoholic diet. He already almost sexually assaulted Chelsea last year so he's on his way.

Aside from Shep's gross butt and meatball dish, we saw him interact with Kathryn because the producers definitely want us to think something could happen between these two. I know, I said they wouldn't work but after further examination maybe Shep needs a girl who's already a mother to help him be mature and settle down? They both have fun with each other and Shep has a way of being kind and gentle with the redhead about her mental health which is so respectful and soothing. They bring out the best in each other and MAYBE she could reform him before he turns into a full-blown Ravenel duplicate, and who else better to help than Kathryn who knows the signs of a cunt when she sees one. I just love their mutual giddy energy around each other and it would be a missed opportunity if they didn't explore this relationship further. At the end of the day I don't see this relationship going anywhere beyond a quick fuck and a leftover turkey sandwich from Shep's fridge but if they did sort their shit out and dated I think it would be beneficial for both of them.

This episode really showed that this show is running on fumes at this point in the season and although I'm obsessed with it I'm happy we've only got one more episode before the reunion. Someone else who's running on fumes at this point is Trashley Jacobs. Holy fucking shit. Every single week her and Thomas have the same conversation where she complains about something, he stares off into the distance while he suggests they shouldn't be together but then they continue to remain together. He literally hates her and she's definitely keeping him captive with the boatload of secrets she has on him (that lesbian dildo tape) to keep her 15 minutes of fame and money going. Craig said it best: he had children will Kathryn and never spent that much money or time with her and he constantly talks about how he hates Trashley but still continues to have the bitch around. She's an escort. Call girl. Gold digger. Trick turner. Hooker. Sugar baby. Whore. Add in any adjective you can that describes a women sleeping with a man for money and then you get Trashley.

Thomas' biggest thing is trying to get her to work and she claims she's been hustling. Hustling what? Your pussy to drain his bank account? Come on Trashley no one thinks you're a hustler, people may believe that you once posed in Hustler though and once this reality TV career goes away for you after the reunion airs and everybody forgets who you are then maybe a career in porn is the next best option because Thomas isn't going to be able to fund her life from behind bars. Does anyone find this whole dynamic weird? He "moved" her here just a few weeks after they started dating and suddenly she's a kept woman? I don't care how much money you have or how much you love someone, that situation literally describes what it's like to be a fucking sugar baby.

The main to do of the episode was Thomas' last ride in a game of polo and I literally have no fucks to give. Not only do I take zero interest in things that make Thomas Ravenel happy but I've always hated these dumb polo days because nothing ever happens. NOTHING. You see a couple of rich white guys ride a horse? Cool. The most entertaining part of the entire event was seeing Trashley vent to everyone at the party about her relationship with Thomas and every single person giving zero fucks about anything she had to say. It's like she's a talking toy and only has about five sentences she can say. When she's not talking about Thomas she's talking about Kathryn and when she's not talking about Kathryn she's talking about "how hard" her relationship has been on her. Bitch, there is no struggle. Your sugar daddy wants you to work because he wants you to fuck off. That's it. She basically went around to all the other men of the show (Shep and Craig) and "joked" if she could date them if she broke up with Thomas. That's fucking weird, is the bitch trying to secure her spot on the show later on?

She should have asked J.D. because I'm sure that sperm whale would've said yes. The only thing I hate more than Thomas and Trashley is J.D. and his disgusting cackle. Every scene he's in he has a dumb fake voice which infuriates me because he all know what an asshole he is. J.D. and Thomas Ravenel are two examples of everything that is wrong with the patriarchal society and male domination of the South and I can't wait until their reign of terror is over on this show in just a couple weeks. But can we imagine Trashley hooking up with J.D.? He's rich so that's literally her next best option and if you can close your eyes and have sex with Thomas then you can close your eyes and have sex with anyone. Just think of England like Patricia said, count to ten and you're done. Having sex with Thomas Ravenel is probably the worst thing a person can be tasked with. Can you imagine him sweating and moaning on top of you, and we all know he would be the most selfish love ever. He'd cum, then fall asleep on top and you'd somehow have to manage to get out from under his drunken slumber. Ugh. The worst.

Apart from Shep's pimply butt, the polo match and Trashley getting even worse, nothing else really happened on this episode but that's okay because next week is the season finale and Kathryn & Trashley's finale showdown will MORE than make up for this lacklustre episode! GET WITH IT!

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.