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Southern Charm Finale Recap: Escorts "R" Us

I feel like the season finale of every season always takes place in the same town hall. Is there only one place to host an event in Charleston or only one place that will let them film there? I'm going with the latter. This time around they weren't celebrating some made up event that doesn't exist called The Founder's Ball, the gang were attending Patricia's Winter Ball which is a must more plausible excuse for a finale party and sensible given that Shady Pat is the matriarch of the show. The biggest shock of the episode was that Patricia extended an invitation to Kathryn because she's seen her change so much, which is true, but let's be real. In every Bravo show, EVERYONE is always invited to the finale but because Patricia had to invite her it made for a great cathartic scene.

Most of the episode took place at Pat's ball, however, we also got an update on Craig's seamstress career which was probably the best storyline of the season. New mom Cam stopped by Craig's humble abode that he tried to clean but just created more mess in the process, which is kind of a metaphor for his unorganised cluster fuck of a life. As the camera crew filmed Craig and Cam catching up through the demolished wall in his living room, of course, the conversation turned to be about Craig's pillows. Cameran, who has sat on her ass for the whole season waiting for the baby to be born - and then not bringing the baby around Bravo cameras, has always been a bitch about Craig's more feminine hobbies.

Yeah, it's kind of unusual that a nearly 30-year-old man who graduated from law school now has a passion for sewing, but Cam's passive aggressive bitchy laugh was snobby and rude. However, I do agree with her that Mr Conover needs some ambition. If he's going to be a seamstress then sew those pillowcases, stuff them and sell them but Craig is just missing that motivation and drive to actually do something in his life that isn't his "roommate" Sean. Someone needs to promote Sean for season six because he would have stories to tell and who wouldn't love to see a gay relationship on a southern-based show? Progression people!

The men arrived at the ball in their white tie and tails which made them all look like pretentious penguins, but how else are you supposed to dress for a fancy southern aristocratic party when you're on reality TV? All the ghosts of Southern Charm's past emerged at this holiday party when Jennifer Snowden and Peyton walked into the town hall. I don't know where Jen has been hiding but she can stay there for all I care because the only thing she did this episode was rim the cream cheese frosting off of Trashley's bleached asshole. Those two trolls should start an I Hate Kathryn club because spent 90% of this episode talking shit about her and they've both shared Thomas' dick, but that doesn't mean anything because most of the girls under 25 in Charleston can say that too.

Everything at the party was boring and civil so let's just skip to the drama. Naomie and her old nose decided to bring up the tea her and Kathryn had discussed about Trashley being an escort, which we all know is true. Thomas obviously picked her out of a lineup, bought her a ticket to Charleston and is paying her to be his girlfriend for reality TV purposes. How else can you explain him not getting rid of her when you can clearly see the hatred in his eyes everytime they would have one of their creepy conversations?

While the I Hate Kathryn Club were hating together the resident cabbage patch kid decided to carry the escort bone back to Thomas and Trashley while Jennifer was there. Who invited this troll? Austen asked T-Rat about the drama like he would know if she was an escort or answer the question in an honest way. Austen, if someone's girlfriend is a high-end hooker (or even a low end one) and you're on a reality show they're not going to fess up to it. Trashley started to get defensive over her career path being talked about and claimed to be a nurse when finally, Austen's balls dropped and he stood up to the dumb bitch when he said all he's seen her do is spend Thomas' money. Even the nicest person on this show can't stand Trashley and her crazy fucking ways.

All Austen did was rely the message but the I Hate Kathryn Club literally shot him down, Jennifer tried to talk about his sister to get start a fight and get some camera time while Trashley said she was waiting to get her nursing license in Charleston and just waved her nursing card in Austen's face, repeatedly saying SOUTH CAR-O-LIN-A over and over until my ears started to bleed. Jennifer Snowden is a fucking pest and Trashley is a plastic bag on the side of the highway that's going to end up killing a turtle. Oh and here's a thought: if and when Trashley does get her nursing license in SOUTH CAR-O-LIN-A who the fuck is going to go to her? She's certifiable, who wants to get their wounds dressed by her, maybe old men in retirement homes and we all know they're her target audience.

Apart from Austen the messenger getting attacked by the craziest bitches at the ball, Naomie was a bitch to Craig and talked shit about his date's gloves which was petty as fuck and I loved every second of it. The resident seamstress' lack of motivation, work ethic, drive and talent showcased this season kind of justifies why Naomie broke up with him in the first place and I think it's pretty official these two aren't getting back together ever again, which is annoying to say because you can still feel the love they have for each other, even when they are yelling. Kathryn also thanked Patricia for inviting her to the ball after being exiled for almost five years.

These two are the respective matriarchs of this show and the biggest power players so after Shady Pat opened her eyes to Thomas and Trashley's fucked up ways I'm happy she befriended Kathryn and opened her heart to her because at the day women should stand together and empower each other while they take down corrupt men. It was cathartic to see them finally come together in an authentic real moment. I'm thrilled this gross T-Rav era of the show can be done and we can move forward with two strong, beautiful women at the helm of this show.

As the ball went on and the season started to conclude everything was starting to wind up, except for those escort rumours which only Austen seemed to talk about but got an anal exam when he asked about them. Couldn't the group have just sat Trashley down in the middle of the circle and grilled her with questions about her potential side business where she sucks geriatric dick for private jet rides and cash? Eh, I guess that's why we have reunions. If the escort tea, Kathryn & Pat's reconciliation and Jennifer Snowden's bitchy reappearance weren't enough, the Kathryn and Ashley showdown which we started the season with 14 weeks ago, was the cherry on top of the fucked up sundae that was this finale. As Kween Kathryn was smoking outside in her sexy black dress and regal updo, which really complimented her blonde tips, the plastic bag rolled in with her red dress and fake nice voice to talk to her sugar daddy's baby mama.

The conversation started off fine. Kathryn, the one who Trashley said disgusting things to about her children, was calm and open to having a conversation with the witch, however, in a matter of seconds that possibility turned to shit when the trash can opened her mouth and said: "LET'S NOT FORGET YOU GOT YOUR CHILDREN TAKEN AWAY!" This is the reason why people hate her. This is the reason why she'll never be good with Kathryn and this is the reason why no sugar daddy is going to hire her again. This bitch sucks. Kathryn was trying to be civil but once again Trashley took it to a place it didn't need to go, how do you come back from saying such a disgusting line? Normally I love the villains but this person doesn't even have ONE redeeming quality. If we're going to talk about not forgetting, let's not forget that they're dad went to jail for selling cocaine, sexually abused a fleet of women and you're being paid to live with him. Let's not forget THAT Trashley!

After the "LET'S NOT FORGET" statement, zen Kathryn ran the fuck away and old retro Kathryn came out to play. To make things worse Trashley kept telling Kathryn the calm down when she wasn't even all that mad, which only makes a person madder. Finally, Kathryn piped up and said: "All you are is a gold digger, no one fucking likes you including your boyfriend.” My mouth hit the fucking floor! NEVER have truer words been spoken and someone needed to give Trashley a reality check because Bravo certainly isn't giving her one, that's why she does the show for free. Love her or hate her, and I know we all hate her, but Trashley contributed so much to the show and didn't even get paid! That's a thirsty bitch right there.

Kathryn basically summed up Trashley's entire time on the show in one sentence. She is the true MVP. Unfortunately, this nugget of truth didn't even penetrate Trashley's dense brain and she couldn't stop running her stupid fucking mouth and keep threatening to expose Kathryn like she knows something. We all know this bitch doesn't know shit, you're not fooling anyone. Every time Trashley acts like she has a point of why Kathryn is a bad person it just continues to showcase what a horrible human being she is and actually helps Kathryn's case.

RELATED: Southern Charm Season 5 Cast Ranked!

After their spat, Thomas came out, who just kind of stands around silently whenever his sugar baby and baby mama fight. Seriously, he's dead weight and I'm glad this sexual predator is living the show never to return. His behaviour of not every telling his girlfriend to shut the fuck up this season only proves that she's blackmailing him with that sex tape. However, even after Kathryn tried to talk some sense into Thomas and convince him that his girlfriend is a fucking nut job, Trashley KEPT ONGOING. So Kathryn followed them onto the street where they continued to fight in a battle for the ages where the redhead told her not to come around her or her children which only fuelled Trashley to call her an egg donor. Can someone put a muzzle on this cunt, all she does is talk!

Trashley shouldn't be around their children at all. Who knows what propaganda she's trying to tell the kids about their mom? It's unsafe and I'm legit concerned about that dynamic. Finally, after the explosion, the fucked up couple walked into the night together while Kathryn stood there victorious because she had just won season five and gotten 50/50 custody. A true champion.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.

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