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RHOC Premiere Recap: Dicks & Divorces

The OC air already feels fresher. After the travesty that was last season with Vicki & Tamra's cold war, Peggy's inability to speak the English language and Shannon's crumbling marriage I'm so happy that the core four are finally getting along. We are in for much lighter and fun season because nobody, not even the Housewives, wanted the dark deep drama anymore and I think we'd all agree it's much more entertaining to see these bitches get drunk and break their bones together than hate each other for another two years. Let's be grateful, sit the fuck down and appreciate these middle-aged, facially enhanced women who have a talent for making us laugh.

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The premiere episode played a lot of catch up. Obviously, Shannon and Kelly are both divorcing their asshole husbands which required them to downsize from their Newport Beach mansions and into shitty rentals. On one hand, Kelly is happy with her newfound freedom in her little two bedroom townhouse with her extravagant beach house style furniture jammed into it and is happily fucking the milkman. Not everyone can say they get two types of milk from their milkman but Kelly Dodd always has been special. It seems like her divorce from her thumb of a husband is going well with the only negative for her being that he doesn't have a girlfriend of his own to occupy his time.

On the other hand, Shannon Storms (that's right, fuck David) is in a completely different place. She's not happy about her new rental home, even though it is a step up from that sad 90s beach shack she was held up in last year while her bug-eyed husband crunched on chips as she complained about gaining weight. Ugh, those chip crunches still haunt me at night. Shannon is also still extremely emotional about her divorce, David's pissy communication over text and his 34-year-old girlfriend who he may or may have been dating while he was still married to Shannon. Are we surprised? I know we are only hearing Shannon's side of the story but it's the only side I'm concerned with after the front row seat we had to all the shit that cheater put her through. Once a cunt, always a cunt.

Even though Shannon only lives in a 4,000 square foot house and has effectively moved on with her life after months of separation she was still wearing her ring but with the help of Tamra and a lot of soap that thing fell straight off. Saying that Shannon Beador is an emotional person is the understatement of the year but she loved David and for some reason she loved him hard, so even though she's aware and notices that he's a complete and utter asshole, obviously she's still deeply affected by his actions when in true narcissistic form he's already moved on and couldn't care less about his failed marriage - but then again he didn't care for the marriage when he was in it. What is in the water in the OC because these women pick the worst men: Simon Barney, David, Brooks, Michael and Jim Bellino. The could make their own show: The Real Narriastics of Bravo where they fake cancer, try to control their wives and make everyone's lives that much harder. Let's just hope the judge in their divorce is a fan of the show so she knows how hard Shannon tried to keep this marriage together and can drain his pockets.

While half of the four core were getting divorced, Tamra was dealing with her husband's health. Eddie has a complicated heart condition so they decided to move into their new home which looks almost identical to their current one to alleviate Eddie's stress and allow him to rest from his surgery except for the fact that it will be under construction for the next 28 days. Wouldn't a house under construction just create more stress than moving in a month after Eddie's surgery when he would probably be healed? No one wants to be trying to rest and hear hammering in the background. I like Tamra but I'm not following their logic which I'm sure wasn't at it's best, because, you know, her husband was having fucking heart surgery. I have to cut Tamra slack for this season because when you have a sick relative (not Brooks sick, real sick) then all bets are off and that becomes your focus. Tamra and Eddie obviously love each other and are the #Goals couple of this franchise so they can do no wrong in my eyes and I just hope he gets better.

Vicki is still being Vicki and is now living with her boyfriend Steve, but of course, that's not enough because she wants to marry him because Vicki "need" to be married. Being married to Victoria Gunvalson would be like signing yourself up to be a slave of hearing about her work ethic and the sounds she makes which are an only audible by dogs. Plus, I don't know if I'm ready for her to be Vicki Lodge, it doesn't have the same psychotic ring that her name now has to it and as for a wedding special? No. Those days of Weddings By Bravo are done and I think their relationship is to normal to have its own special. At my core, I do like Vicki even though she may not be the best person but I'm always confused at how she attracts such nice guys (not including Girth Brooks, that's a given) maybe there's a different side we don't see underneath her new face? I don't know's happening to her face but it's changing in a way I really don't understand.

As well as catching up with the girls we also met the new girl Emily. And I like her - so far. She's a lawyer which means she's educated, a party planner which means she can turn up, she has a rags to riches story which makes her relatable and great curves which mean we finally have a bitch that can eat on this show. However the thing that really sold me on Emily was that a guy from work Google messaged her one day asking if they should get married, she said yes because she had nothing better to do and probably had a free Sunday available so they got married, pumped out three kids and a are still together. That sounds like a bad 2000s rom-com starring Katherine Heigl or Kate Hudson that I would totally watch 800 times. Did he just wake up one day and decide he wanted to marry his coworker? That's so fucking weird and I'm obsessed.

However, the plot thickens when we discovered she used to be friends with Tamra and planned a party for her until she starting making shady connections to the I Hate Tamra Club which members include: Ricky, Gretchen, Lizzie and now #100Housewife. I don't think Emily has bad intent for Tamra and probably saw the Tamra Haters once at one of their weekly meetings but it adds to her intrigue and almost confirms that Gretchen Christine Rossi won't ever be back on the show and is still hated by production. The newbie made up with Tamra because "she doesn't want any toxic relationships in her life" but also because she wants to be on a reality show, let's be real. Were they best friends? No, but her being her party planner and having connections to the IHTJC is a much more plausible (and juicy) excuse to add her to the show then Peggy being in Lydia's magazine. GREAT casting Bravo.

To conclude the episode the core four participated in a ropes course together which was an excellent example of why we should be excited about the season. Seeing Vicki blame others for making herself fall over and then subsequently recreate Charlie Bit My Finger when Shannon accidentally stepped forward and got Vicki's pinky stuck in the course was fucking hilarious. It's just a relief to see them get along and let us laugh at their melodramatic ways in the process because if there's one thing THESE four Housewives can do: it's whoop it the fuck up. I don't know if I'm a sadist or what but seeing these girls act like three year olds made me laugh harder than I did all last season (except for The Quiet Woman and Tamra pissing herself in Iceland.) The two reasons I watch Housewives are to laugh and audibly gasp at the TV and if the ladies make me cackle every week then that's entertainment enough for me!

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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