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RHOC Recap: Deuteronomy

New Housewives can be hit or miss but I am loving these two new additions in the OC. Both Emily and Gina have strange and juicy family situations which are always a key factor in becoming a successful Housewife, no one wants to watch a happy couple with no problems, three and a half kids and a nice mansion. That's not why God invented Bravo! We are all attracted to trainwrecks so luckily Bravo conducted some amazing casting this season and stayed away from Armenian women with bad hair who can't speak the English language.

On the second episode, we met the new Housewife Gina. She's from Long Island with a strong New York accent, three cute little kids and a husband who obviously did not want to get involved with any Bravo mess. Gina shared that he lives in LA during the week in his own apartment that she's never been to or even know where it is. Isn't that a red flag? Married finance guys are always the kinkiest so that apartment would've seen some shit go down. How does she just not know where the apartment is while she's stuck at home trying to make her kids swallow some broccoli? It's clear these two have been living separate lives for some time now and maybe have an open relationship (?) because how else would anyone be okay with their husband not living with them the majority of the week. Even if their relationship isn't open, the girls' legs in his apartment definitely are.

Aside from not appearing on camera, we haven't even seen his face or heard his voice yet. In the photos of their wedding, she picked the two where is face is covered to show and skipped the usual Housewives practice by NOT calling him on speaker, Matt won’t be on this season which is annoying because who doesn’t love seeing a douchy, cheating hot house husband, especially in the middle of a divorce. Since Bravo didn't show us her hot (cheater) hubby, here's a pic of him and I can feel his douchy big dick energy from here.

Obviously, she came on the show to get divorced and that's not shade, it's praise. If you know you're gonna get divorced you may as well do it on camera and get a check for it. I like Gina, she's refreshing, has a pure soul with a smart ass sense of humour and gives the show an East Coast flare we haven't seen before (Heather Dubrow could never). She seems like a good mom, a stable human being and I literally can't get enough of her juicy marriage/divorce storyline.

Speaking of new girls with juicy home lives, we got more tea on Emily's life. Not only did her boss propose to her on Google chat because they couldn't find anything better to do but he's also a Mormon AND her sister was her surrogate for both pregnancies after she had six miscarriages. This is just juice upon juice and she was definitely born to be on reality TV. She now wants to have another baby girl with one of her frozen embryones but her Mormon husband won't allow it. What does he care? Trust me, she's going to regret not having another kid so she should fly her sister out from Ohio, get a turkey baster and get herself a baby if she really wants one. Her life is an 80s soap opera that I would watch every episode of. How does Bravo find these women? Meeting the new girls I felt like I was chugging some sweet peach tea, which is exactly how I want to feel when I'm watching the Housewives. Although they have juicy backstories and home lives I'm praying they blend well with the rest of the group because I haven't liked new girls this much in a VERY long time.

After discussing the newest ladies on the scene, now let's talk about the old ones. Old by time on the show not by the amount of time they've been on Earth, just to be clear. After Eddie got the news his heart procedure didn't work and has to take thinners to try and avoid a stroke, his day sucked and got even worse when he and Tamra received food from Vicki Gunvalson - AND IT WASN'T EVEN A CASSEROLE. The audacity. What are sick people supposed to eat Vicki? She knows she fucked up in the eyes of the world for "repeating a rumour" that Eddie is gay and had to apologise to move forward with Tamra so while she was "running errands" in Laguna Beach, Tamra and Eddie just so happened to be eating lunch with a camera crew in Laguna as well so she met up with them and gave one of her terrible Vicki Gunvalson apologises. The problem with Vicki (and there's many) is that she can never just say sorry for her part and take full ownership of her behaviour, she always needs to make an excuse or blame the other party for causing her to something shitty and states it in her apology. You would think after thirteen years on reality TV full of fights with Tamra Judge she would learn what she needs to say to have a good apology, but she still doesn't which makes her a terrible person who gives us amazing TV.

For her apology, she cried a bit, used her go to line "I just want my friends back" and read bible verses from Deuteronomy. I'm not religious and I didn't care enough to read the whole explanation of Deuteronomy on Wikipedia but I guess it got through to Eddie because he accepted her very bad apology. Even though the apology wasn't genuine and definitely made for TV, I'm glad they got this out of the way so that the gang can whoop it up again but Vicki isn't sorry. I find it hard to believe that after three years of spreading the same propaganda and having the same victim stance on everything that she's now sorry because she was still making excuses and blaming them in her actual apology but I'm just grateful this messy homophobic chapter in the show is finally over.

Just like Whack-A-Mole, after Vicki got rid of one problem, another one popped right up. She went to visit Kelly's mid-century modern condo which looks what Scheana Shay's apartment wants to be and before she even sat down she had already stepped in shit, metaphorical shit but there was a dog there so who knows. Vicki not only set Kelly's ex up with a new girl but went on (several) double dates with them multiple times and didn't tell Kelly. Call the Countess because Vicki broke the girl code! The OG of the OC didn't find a problem with it and thought Kelly was getting mad at her because her ex had moved on. Vicki, no. She's made because her friend should have at least let her know she was going on double dates with her ex-husband, it's just weird to know that information and not even pass it on but Vicki tried to pivot by saying she didn't tell her because she cares too much about her feelings but in the same breath of air said Kelly should be happy he has a girlfriend. What is it, Vicki? Miss Gunvalson will always be one of Bravo's top gaslighters next to Dorito and Kim Zolciak. She's not sad he's moving on she's sad that her friend is a cunt. After only about two minutes in Kelly's condo Vicki's family van voice came out and Kelly kicked her out so she could cry in the bathroom while Vicki left feeling like she had down nothing wrong. Couldn't she have used Deuteronomy to fix this situation?

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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