RHOC Recap: Naked Wasted
This recap is dedicated to tequila: for bringing us one of the best OC episodes ever, as well as iconic Housewives history from Gretchen's Naked Wasted days to Countess Luann taking a tumble in a Mexican hedge. Never forget. The trifecta of Vicki, Tamra and Shannon travelled down south to Mexico (no that's not where Costa Rica is Alexis) and it was everything I needed it to be. The drama between these three has been the driving force for the last three seasons on this show and I'm genuinely happy they've gotten to a better place, and you can tell they all think that too. The deep-seated hatred vanished from their lives and there is a real affection and fun energy amongst these three. As entertaining as their feud was, with the exception of last season, the three blondes and their drunken debauchery is equally entertaining in a completely different way. Who doesn't love seeing a bunch of middle-aged women take way too many shots, run around naked and break their limbs? I literally cannot think of anything better, except actually being a drunk, naked, middle-aged woman on reality TV running around - just minus the broken bone part.
Before they could revive their Andales memories, we began with Vicki and Kelly's fight. Victoria Gunvalson and her latest face are wrong. She knows she was wrong by not telling Kelly about her double dates with Michael and is blaming it on the fact that she was asked not to and is claiming Kelly is mad because her ex-has moved on. No, she's happy he has a girlfriend, she's just mad that her friend is a cunt and is going on double dates with her ex. How does Vicki NOT see how she fucked up? As Tamra said, Vicki's loyalty should be towards her friend and not her friend's ex, they can double date but she needs to tell her that she is doing so. Period. End of story. If Tamra & Eddie went on a date with David, his beady eyes and his new barely legal girlfriend then Shannon would still be talking about it in season 16, but Tamra is not a cunt like the OG of the OC, so she wouldn't do that. To make matters worse Vicki called Michael only to bitch about her fight with Kelly. Out of every possible reaction she could do, WHY would calling Michael make anything better? Nothing positive can come of that, except maybe the test results of Kelly's DNA being matched to that of the crime scene where Vicki is found dead.
To retaliate to Vicki's cunty behaviour, Kelly called Tamra and Shannon who were on her side and then vented to her daughter Jolie: Kelly Dodd's very own twelve-year-old psychiatric who seems to have more life advice and insight than anyone else on this show. I understand Kelly is close with her daughter and their conversation was cute but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't cringing all the way through that scene because what happens when Kelly becomes friends with Vicki again? Is the prodigy psychiatric supposed to forget all the shit her mother said about her friend and be polite? Shit talking has consequences, especially with twelve-year-olds who repeat everything they hear. However, I'm #TeamDodd all day every day!
The new girls Gina and Emily also had an exercise playdate with their children, but the Mexico trip was the only reason I was tuning into this episode. After her first trip to Mexico sans David, Shannon sent her three daughters back to American soil by themselves on a plane so she could get drunk, create some reality TV gold and get a check at the same time. It's really a win, win, win. She waited for Vicki and Tamra to walk through the gate at the Mexican airport with three sombreros, a tray with salt, limes and tequila and a line of people waiting around just to check out why the fuck there was a camera crew and a woman in the airport with shots in hand. Within minutes of arriving in Mexico, Vicki and Tamra put their sombreros on, took two shots each, smashed the glasses all over the floor, fell over onto the glass they smashed and Vicki (maybe, probably) peed herself. What a way to start a cast trip! If you're not pissing yourself are you really taking a trip to Mexico? I don't think so. These bitches had TWO DAYS in Mexico and I'm pretty sure the ladies' bloodstreams were 95% alcohol for the entire time.
Once at the hotel, they got presentable in their matching white pants and edges, took some shots and hit the town. This is truly an A-Team of Housewives. This should be the benchmark of all Real Housewives, if you can't take several shots only hours into an international trip then you really shouldn't be allowed to sign a Bravo contract. Maybe they can start their own training camp for potential newcomers to see if they have what it takes to join the show. If you can spend a weekend getting drunk in Mexico and not throwing up then they get to join the show, you'll thank me later Bravo. In record time the ladies hit up Andales which is like the Berkshires of the OC, except slutty behaviour is embraced (and encouraged) not defiled by Bethenny Frankel in her nasal voice. While in Andales, the ladies got drunk, danced on the bar and Tamra got her tits out for the world to see and even though they were blurred, I'm sure they were nice. I don't know what boob job Tamra is up to but I think they are her real boobs. Maybe? However, while Tamra and Shannon were dancing on bars in the show's most infamous hotspot, Queen Andales Victoria Gunvalson wouldn't get on the bar or get too crazy because she promised Steve not to get too Naked Wasted. If you can't get naked wasted then you shouldn't commit to a RHOC trip, or you should just dump your boyfriend who says you can't.
Speaking of Steve and his square ways, while the three girls ate Mexican street food while very, very drunk they spoke about Vicki's relationship. Obviously she doesn't love him as much as she did Brooks because even though he was morally corrupt, an evident liar and, you know, a cancer scammer, she really did love him and now she is with the Anti-Brooks, an ex-cop who cleans the house, does everything by the book and asks her not to get Naked Wasted on a girls trip in Mexico. I like Steve and he is way too good for Vicki, but I feel like she's just settling for him and if he is going to impede her ability to get Naked Wasted then I'd rather watch her be single. The girls continued their drunk talk on a grimy Mexican street which is when friends truly have their deepest conversations, even if they won't be able to remember any of it the next day. After their drunken D'n'M, they arrived back at the hotel and they were wrecked. Tamra ran around naked like a three-year-old with no shirt-on while Shannon got into her spanks armour and joined her in the jacuzzi before just tearing them off while Vicki sat inside and watched. Seeing Tamra's naked body slide around on the floor while yelling for Shannon was a moment all true Housewives loyalists can appreciate. This is literally the definition of being naked wasted: they were naked and wasted! Finally, Tamra, still naked, jumped into the jacuzzi and hurt her ankle. If she was at least 15 shots deep and STILL could feel the pain than that really must have hurt.
The ladies second day in Puerto Vallarta wasn't as eventful due to Tamra finding out she actually broke her ankle in the middle of the night while Shannon and Vicki slept. The hungover threesome recounted their alcohol intake of the night before while eating fruit in their matching grandma pyjamas before getting their own wheelchair for Tamra and wheeling her out onto the beach. Is it just me or is this new wheelchair vacation Housewives trend amazing? First Ramona being wheeled around the streets of Colombia and now Tamra participating in a three-way piggyback with Vicki, Shannon and a local resort worker to transfer her from the wheelchair to the beach without getting any sand in her cast before passing out on pain pills at dinner. I can't find one thing to fault about this trip, it's like The Golden Girls Go Wild, I'm just surprised no one threw up because my weak stomach was almost hurling all the way through the TV. Five tequila shots and I would've projectile vomited all over several crew members, so I have major respect to those ladies for stomaching over a dozen Mexican style shots of the devil's water.
To wrap up the trip, Tamra and her broken foot slept off her hangover with the help of pain medication while Vicki and Shannon (continued) to have a tequila tasting which they previously had four years ago while their scumbag exes were still in the picture. Little did they know at the time, David was having an affair with a whore from Laguna Beach and Brooks was most likely plotting his fake cancer plan. Four years on, the two ladies had a D'n'M, reconnected and made out on the couch. If you haven't drunkenly stuck your tongue down your friend's throat are you even friends? Shannon actually likes Vicki, that's why she hated her so much, because if she didn't care she wouldn't have hated her with such a passion for three years straight. I didn't realise how much I missed their friendship and maybe without the asshole men in their lives, they'll be able to keep their friendship going because after all, every one of their fights steamed from Brooks and David.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!