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KUWTK Premiere Recap: A Born Bitch

I’m officially over the Kardashians. I’ve been a loyal fan for the better half of a decade, read biographies on them, I can perform Kim’s infamous “if you know how I feel” crying scene on cue and I even have a Kim Kardashian calendar in my room, but I’m over it. This episode was filmed in December. Do you know how much has changed since December? Kylie was still may be pregnant and had full lips, Tristan wasn’t outed as the world’s biggest asshole yet, Kanye was still crazy but not “slavery is a choice” crazy and Kim hadn't even got a bitch out of prison. Why would I care about a petty fight these sisters were having about a Kristmas Kard nearly a year ago?

Every season this family repeat their identical storylines: Scott’s on a bender, Rob promises to get better then orders Domino’s and a hooker, the sisters get mad at Kourtney for not “working” as much, someone has IVF treatment and they complain that Kendall and/or Kylie aren't hanging out with them as much. We are eleven years and fifteen seasons in and I don’t think it’s going up from here. All this family has done since Kanye entered the picture is sit indoors with a full face of makeup, expensive sweatpants on with their phones in their hands and it’s just not exciting. We can’t get back to the good old days of Khloe dragging her siblings along the floor and Kris solving everyone’s problems with her spiked hair because things have changed and the show just isn’t the fun, campy hit it once was. Maybe the Tristan Thompson drama will save the season but he’s an idiot if he was dumb enough to sign a release. Even though I know I’m going to lose several brain cells by committing to yet another trashy season it’s a sickness I can’t help. I really do need to start my own club: Reality TV-holics Anonymous.

Going into this episode my mind was made up but somehow the fighting between Kim and Kourtney brought be back in. After last season's snoozefest, it felt like we had finally gotten back to the good ole "don't be fucking rude" days. Normally it's Kim & Kourtney vs Khloe or Khloe & Kourtney vs Kim, so it was odd yet refreshing to see Kim and Khloe team up against Kourtney which actually makes total sense because they are the biggest power players in the family while Kourtney and her vocal try are just along for the ride. Due to Khloe's pregnancy, she spends most her time in Cleveland (eye-roll) which left a distance between her and Kourtney because the mother-of-three believed Khloe was snapping at her over little things but when they met up in LA for Kim's meeting about the Kristmas Kard and her baby shower, Kourtney sat their silently with a sourpuss look on her face and shat on Khloe's black furniture covers but her defense was that she's just a born bitch. At least she's being honest. I know that I was born a bitch and I'll die a bitch, so if you just own it then your bitchy ways are allowed to run wild.

As well as the Born Bitch being on the outs with Khloe, she also managed to piss off Kim. The newly blonde Kardashian decided to bring back the Kardashian Kristmas Kard (yes, all Ks) which is hard enough when you have a massive family that range from 8 months to 80 who have busy schedules, but it was made even harder with Kourtney's annoying attitude because she wanted to arrive at 11 am and be home by 6 pm regardless of anyone else's schedule even though Kim had two important business meetings in the morning and Kendall could only arrive at 7. Why does Kourtney have to be so difficult? It's ONE DAY of the year. She has 364 other days to bathe her kids and put them to bed, why can't she be accommodating for one fucking day? Naturally, when Kourtney's overly demanding ways got back to Kim, the newly outspoken family member ripped into her critical sister. Ever since the robbery Kim has given zero fucks about any and all things, just check her Twitter feed. Kim has a newly constructed backbone and she isn't the people pleaser she once was. She's argumentative and stands up for herself which is great when you have a sister like Kourtney who is constantly shitting on everyone's life choices from the colour of Khloe's furniture covers, to Kris' makeup to how Kim dresses her kids. Kourtney Mary Kardashian is one opinionated (born) bitch who lets everyone know what she's thinking, so it's only fitting that she receives it back.

Following Kourtney saying she wants to shoot the kard during the day, regardless of Kim's meetings and her kids being in school, Post-Robbery Kim popped the fuck off saying no one wants her in the shoot, she doesn't have any businesses and that she's the least exciting to look at while Kris tried to add her commentary in the background. We really do not deserve the magic that is Kris Jenner. While all Kim's comments are justifiable there's definitely deep-seated feelings she has about Kourt. It would be frustrating that she and Khloe have several businesses and change their schedules around to accommodate the shoot while Kourtney doesn't do shit but is the most difficult. Kourtney ran away and called Khloe crying saying she only wants to be a mother and wouldn't even do the show if she didn't need the money. What the fuck? And since when does she have emotions?

It's a reality show of her life it's not like it's impeding on her hanging out with her kids, they take them everywhere they go anyway. She also called Kim a "very evil distraught human being" and said she doesn't agree with who she is as a human being. The humour of this melodrama is not lost on me, these are the types of entertaining sisterly fights that the show has been missing for years now. Kourt's tears only fuelled Kim's rage who just continued to come for her crying sister while Khloe and Kris just sat by with their popcorn in hand before Kourtney said she's ashamed to be apart of such a disgusting family and hung up. If I had said that about my family or HALF the things Kourtney said about Kris to my mum, there's a 100% chance that I would no longer be walking upright, but I guess we have to credit the cameras and her 10% commission for Kris not whooping theses bitches asses on a daily basis.

That wasn't even the whole fight. Born Bitch came back hours later (still crying) and was still upset about how mean Kim had been and used her therapist, bohemian, life coach inspired lingo to try and stand up for herself. Is the Born Bitch forgetting that she is the most critical and judgemental person on the planet? She picks the shit out of everything her family members do but when she's getting some good 24-year-old dick on a regular basis she probably can't be bothered hearing any backlash. She claimed she doesn't care about money and only about memories but wouldn't she want her children to have the memory of this Kristmas Kard? I'm fucking confused. And it's easy to say you don't care about money when you're apart of one of the richest families in the world while I'm sitting here with $2.38 cents in my bank account. I think Kourtney is insecure about being the "least exciting" Kardashian and uses her over the top demands to try and make herself feel important and valuable amongst a family where all her siblings have several things going on all at one time. Except Rob, the only thing on his schedule is eating.

Of course, there was no resolution but Kim ended up moving her meetings so that she could accommodate Kourtney's request but their hatred of each other was very present during their photo shoot. Aw, the memories. They can look back on the Kristmas Kard years from now and just reminisce about their massive blowout where Kim said she was the least exciting to look at. Who wouldn't love to have that memory? After the photo shoot dispute, Kourtney ditched Kim's baby shower. Does this mean the Born Bitch is quitting the family?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.