Shade of the Week: Kourtney Kardashian
After the Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 15 premiere episode aired I planned on shading Kourtney Kardashian and her hypocritical behaviour that the world got to see all because of a stupid Kristmas Kard, but in the last day her relationship with her barely legal boyfriend has imploded in front of the world to see after he may or may have cheated/rebounded Lord Disick style with a professional THOT in Mexico. Some things literally never change. Can Kourt ever find a man who doesn't hang around with the country's most eligible THOTs?
But first the Kristmas Kard Khaos. I'm definitely a firm member of #TeamKim, I don't even know how someone could agree with Kourtney's side. She had no reason to be so demanding with the times of the photo shoot and couldn't accommodate everyone else who actually had a schedule. It's as plain as those massive pregnancy lips on Khloe's face. Kourtney Kardashian and her vocal fry are literally the most critical things on this planet. Forget Jewish mothers and reality TV show judges, Kourtney picks the shit out of anything and everything her family does from what furniture covers they use to if their food is gluten-free enough to their makeup to anything else she can think of while scowling at them. Either she's unhappy or she's just a Born Bitch which she admitted to. I'm also a member of the Born Bitch community and having mean things to say is in our DNA but if you are going to give shitty commentary then you HAVE to be willing to take shitty commentary, that's how it works, it's like physics or something.
Kourtney couldn't do this.
As soon as Kim reacted to her bitchy ways saying no one wanted her in the shoot and calling her the least interesting to look at, the mother-of-three ran out crying. If a Born Bitch can start the war, she HAS to be able to finish it. In Kim's defence, Kourtney is the least exciting Kardashian, I'm not calling her ugly because she's definitely the most natural Kardashian at 37 and looks like she's in her mid-twenties but she isn't the family member everyone is rushing to see. She's a cool filler character whose relationship with Scott drove the show for many seasons but she couldn't sustain anything on her own if she wanted to. She's the one Kardashian who hasn't made her own brand or tried to branch off from the family because he chose to be a mother, which is a full-time job in itself, but because you pushed three kids out of your vagina and keep them on a strict vegan diet doesn't mean you can't be a little nicer and accommodate your busy sisters on one day of the fucking year. I almost think Kourtney likes having annoying demands and being difficult because she's insecure about being the least successful/interesting family member and does it to hold her power and feel some level of importance and relevance amongst her family.
The level of "quitting the family" fights hasn't been threatened in seasons but Kourtney brought it back in this week's premiere episode. When you are in a new-ish relationship with a 24-year-old and you're getting some fresh dick every morning with a side of your vegan and soy milk coffee then you don't have time for your bullshit family drama. Some good fresh dick can wake a (born) bitch up and make her realise what's important in life and I think if Kourtney didn't have a regular dick to bounce on at that time she would have hit back way harder instead of scurrying away and crying through the phone. Good dick is better than therapy, just ask Kourtney or even Khloe because there must be some way she's stayed so calm since all the Tristan Thompson bullshit has been all over the world. Yeah, Tristan, we haven't forgotten about you!
However, even after her penis epiphany finally aired after it was filmed in November, she broke up with her barely legal boo Younes Bendjima in real time of the same week. What are the chances? Was this another one of Kris Jenner's PR plans? I wouldn't put anything past this family for publicity at this point, although they could breathe and a thousand gossip blogs would publish articles about an "insider" describing what it was like. If it's from E! News, the "source" is always coming from Kamp Kardashian, you've got to stay woke people!
As much as this is Kourtney's Shade of the Week, I think Younes deserves it more. My Good Tea prediction of the reason behind their break up was that they had gone on a break but once she found out he was partying with a girl in Mexico they broke up for real, which is exactly what "sources" told People, so I guess I'm kind of the next Tyler Henry, don't mean to brag. If you are on a break you shouldn't brand the trip as a boys trip (thanks Kim) and then have photos emerge of you with other girls because whether you've been inside her or not, the world and your girlfriend at home will think that you have and his bitchy posts addressing the issue are just bizarre, who decided he can have an attitude about this? The professional THOT in question, Jordan Ozuna, has previously been linked to Tyga and Justin Bieber, denied hooking up with Younes but she's played this game before so I'm not exactly buying what she's trying to sell us. We saw those photos, are we really supposed to think they didn't dip and do it in Mexico?
At the end of the scandal, Younes looks less than honest and Kourtney once again looks like the potentially scorned mother of three, which is how she started this relationship. Scott said they agreed to get married at 40 if they couldn't find anyone else willing to spend the rest of their lives with them so maybe he'll throw his barely legal boo and her Say You, Say Me money to the curb and get back into the Kardashian pants he's always wanted to. Or maybe he and Sofia will be the next young (ish) Hollywood couple to follow the trend of getting engaged in the space of five minutes of meeting...