RHOP Reunion Recap: Pageant Patties
These Maryland cherry blossoms obviously came into the reunion with their rehearsed shade in their pockets and insults ready because they needed to deliver in order to secure themselves and their weaves another season. The stigma around the newer Housewives franchises is still strong and the ratings weren't great this season so the ladies were obviously more than thrilled to have their day in the sun to redeem themselves but the one person on the reunion stage who obviously didn't want to be there was Andy Cohen.
I'm not sure if he'd rather be out chasing young barely legal twinks or he just couldn't wait to have an edible during the commercial break but Mr Bravo and his forehead did not have time for any of the ladies shade, wasn't entertained by their fights, kept cutting them off and was giving it to Karen's couch harder than he probably gave it to a WWHL bartender the night before. For the past few years, it's seemed like Andy cares more about being famous than his Housewives which is his own prerogative for sure but it's off-putting when the host and executive producer of the reunion would rather be taking a selfie with SJP and John Mayer instead of doing his job. Andy obviously had no time for Candiace. At all. He shaded her pageant career making it pretty clear that he didn't think anyone would know who she was and he looked at her the same way he used to look at Kenya. And look what happened to her.
Aside from Andy's pissy behaviour, he caught up with the ladies. Karen's dad passed away two weeks before the reunion and her mom also passed seven months prior. Robyn and Juan are still together but not together and Gizelle is still pretending to be the world on the street when she can't even keep Sherman around on the corner. Monique is five months pregnant with a tiny baby bump which only Candiace and Karen had congratulated her on. I don't care if you're best friends or just colleagues but Gizelle and Monique don't have a feud, just a mutual dislike of each other but that doesn't mean you can't be a decent human being and congratulate someone on their pregnancy after they were brave enough to tell the world they miscarried. It's called human decency but obviously, the Green-Eyed Bandits and their messy intern don't have that.
Monique has never really done anything to Robyn or Gizelle accept reacting to Thing #1 hating her from the moment they met and Thing #2 lowkey calling her an alcoholic out of concern. I'm so sick of the messy twins going after Karen and Monique but then claiming they were doing it because they wanted to be a good friend when we all know they were trying their hardest to be messy for a Bravo check. Whether it's her website (which Gizelle never even looked at) or moving up to first class nothing Monique does will ever be good enough for Gizelle and she'll always find some way to shit on anything and everything she does. That's the reason this reunion (or this group) can't go anywhere from here because Gizelle and her sidekicks Robyn and Ashley will continue to trigger Karen, Monique and Candiace but won't own their messy ways which can only take us around in a circle.
Ashley is like the Lil Tay of this group. She tries to sound hood and pretend she's got street cred with her shade but she's actually just a 9-year-old girl who needs a good spanking and not from her geriatric kangaroo of a husband because I'm sure he's done it before and it's not working. Her messy ways and light skin Elsa costume doubled down on claiming Monique was an alcoholic and fought with Candiace about being messy (?) I don't even know what the two pageant Patties were even fighting about, however, Candiace did have some good shade to throw Ashley's way calling her a house trollop, getting a good read in about her forehead and telling to go to sleep. My vocabulary isn't that advanced and I had to google what a trollop was (a sexually disreputable or promiscuous woman). Let's just say: nice shade Candiace.
Obviously, Candiace was practising in her mirror at home to ensure Bravo would pay for her upcoming wedding next season which paid off because her shade was quicker than her ability to talk about her fiance's mismatched dick which she claims is doing amazing. We still have yet to see what Chris is really packing between his legs and after it carried most of her storyline for this season I think it's only fair that we see Brown Dick Jr. Candiace confirmed the entire cast is invited to her wedding, except for Gizelle, who acts like she would rather walk around wigless than attend the wedding but why is she so special to boycott the event? It's free food and an open bar just go and shut the fuck up. Spoiler: Candiace got married this weekend and everyone (including Gizelle) was in attendance so I guess she did put her head down and shut the fuck up.
Naturally, the Robyn portion of the reunion was as dull as her voice and overall personality but she's still claiming to be doing well with Juan even with her new butch haircut. Her meme fight with Monique got brought up once again and the real problem with the fan account posting the messy meme of her was that Monique's brother actually runs it, which makes it seem like she is behind it. While Mo obviously doesn't have the time to control what her brother posts, he does shade Robyn (almost as much as I do) and I love it so much. If the drag queen stepsister from Shrek on the end of the reunion couch can't become friends with Monique because of a fucking meme then obviously they shouldn't be friends to begin with.Robyn also tried to start with Karen about her questionable feud with Siri which made her unintentionally RSVP to her boring event but the Grand Dame Deficit had NO time for the linebacker's reach of a storyline. Robyn is the human version of a yawn and I'm shocked she was even cast to become a Real Housewife let alone still be on three seasons in.
The final thing to discuss was Karen. The budget Tina Knowles, the Black Bill Gates and their taxes have been the majority of the cast's storyline this season, however, Mrs Huger officially announced that the scandal is in their review mirror... even though they haven't actually paid their debt off yet. Of course, Michael's potential nude photos were brought up once again and the NSFW copies scarred Karen for life but Ashley claimed that wasn't Michael naked. Potomac isn't a famous show why would someone go out of their way to make it up about Michael and what wife is going to admit that her husband likes to plough lightskinned twinks in London when he's there on business? Whether he put his dick inside the young man or not doesn't bother me but the conversation boosted my views of the article, so thanks for bringing it up again Karen!
After an entire season of the messy trio going after Karen, her marriage, tax issues and living situation when they knew her parent's health was failing, they cared more about a storyline than they did about Karen. Obviously, they were all thirsty enough to cause some drama and deflect the attention onto anyone besides their own fucked up relationships but when they spend all their time talking trash about Karen, how can they be surprised when she doesn't want to be their friend. They didn't care about Karen Huger they cared about mess but for some reason, Andy decided to be on the wrong side of history: the Green-Eyed side.
After Karen couldn't take it anymore she walked off the reunion, which has to be the 310th Housewives walk off we've seen but it was different because it wasn't a ploy for attention, it was Karen having a breakdown due to literally burying her father not even a week earlier. After being the partial cause of her tears Gizelle thought she needed to be the one to console Karen telling her she was the strongest person she knew after losing for parents Scott Disick style. Ugh. The fakery of Miss EveryHue makes me want to jump in front of ongoing traffic. And where the fuck is the Black Bill Gates? Couldn't he comfort his crying wife instead of a backstabbing batch?
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.