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Jersey Shore Premiere Recap: Puerto Rican Jesus

By Ashley Hart Adams

Jerzdays are backkkkkkk! I am so excited for this season! How this show has managed to entertain me consistently since the age of 17 (Yes. Yikes), I’ll never know. This episode served its purpose as the ultimate set-up for what is sure to be an epic season. Mike is planning a wedding and still in the midst of his tax “situation”, Deena is pregnant, Nicole is friends with Angelina again, Jenni is looking for a chew toy (Angelina), Vinny is single, Pauly has his wingman back, and Ron, THE STAR OF THE FUCKING SHOW, is going to give us a season of juiced up, drug-fueled drama that is sure to cement these characters into relevance for AT LEAST another 15 minutes.

We open up with a baby shower for Ronnie and his girlfriend Jen in Las Vegas. Despite Ron’s bathroom tears and endless spirals last season, he seems very happy and feels he has a genuine purpose now. I actually got emotional watching an excited Ron rush back to Las Vegas immediately after landing in London to see the birth of his daughter Ariana. Is Ron finally growing up? HELL NO! This entire opening felt like such a set-up, however, it was executed so well that I almost forgot about Ron’s baby mama social media drama until the music dramatically turned suspenseful and the screenshots from Ron and Jen’s feud crashed onto the screen.

To refresh your memory, less than a month after Ron and Jen welcomed their baby girl, Jen recorded an Instagram Live of Ron FREAKING OUT. It was deleted soon after, but Good Tea kept the receipts so we were all able to partake in the shit show. Since that incident, Jen has been arrested for, wait for it, literally dragging Ronnie down the street with her moving car! And they’re still together. But, yes. Ron is feeling great and is totally in a good place. Yeah. Absolutely. For sure. I totally believe it. I wonder how long it will last. If you guessed until the end of this episode then you are correct!

After stopping by Ronnie’s to meet baby Ariana, Pauly calls Snooki and, in one of the most scripted scenes in reality TV history, “plans” a trip for the roommates to come to Vegas to vacay and see the baby.

After this totally spontaneous phone call, Snooki meets up with Angelina and gifts her a pack of diapers, alluding to Angelina’s sharting incident from last season. I can’t even believe I just typed that. Apparently, even though it seemed the hatchet had been buried last season between the roommates and Angelina, the only one to have unblocked her from social media is Snooki and to top it off, JWOWW “started with her” on social media so the dirty little hamster retaliated by calling her a Jersey Whore. Again, I can’t believe I just typed that. Ang, Ang, Ang... I’m not quite sure how I feel about her. I won’t lie, I love a good comeback story but I’m not sure where Angelina fits into all of this. She’s missed so much and has gone so long being the one that everyone bonded over hating. On the other hand, her altercations with everyone on Season 2 made for some absolutely fantastic TV trash. I still don’t know, but I’m willing to give her a chance.

Cut to Vinny’s mom doing what she does best: trying to stuff food down the keto guido’s throat. I would pay major money to have one of those epic multi-course meals where you need a nap in between! How much do you charge, Ma?! What new piece of information do we learn? Vin and Elicea are over. Vinny claims the long distance was what caused their breakup, but I have other theories. Vin has expressed in interviews that when he’s a part of the show, he’s on top of the world. Partying, money, non-stop girls, the last time he did Jersey Shore, he bought a Lamborghini! Sure he had an intense anxiety-induced panic attack due to all of the partying, but a LAMBO?! He doesn’t want a girlfriend right now, despite how beautiful she is. And she is drop-dead gorgeous.

On a not so light note, we learn that JWOWW’s son Greyson is having some developmental issues and the stress of that is taking its toll. JWOWW’s juicehead husband, Roger, made an adorable Mother’s Day video of loved ones expressing their adoration for JWOWW to lift her spirits, however, shockingly, even though all of the roommates were asked to make a short clip for the video, Mike “The Situation” is the only one who participated. I know everyone gets busy, but only Mike?! JWOWW is understandably hurt and we know she’s going to check ‘em when she gets the chance.

The boys are first to arrive in Las Vegas so they can have a guy’s night before the girls arrive. According to Mike, Ron has been MIA since his social media meltdown with his baby mama. The boys attempt to broach the subject lightheartedly, but it gets so awkward, so quick. Ronnie is maaaaaaddddd annoying. All he does is say the same old shit over and over again in response to their questions. “I’ve learned from it. We’re working on it.” I’ve heard it all before. This is Sam and Ron Part II and honestly, I am HERE. FOR. IT. What else are we here for?! To watch Pauly spin tunes and the girls cry about how they miss their kids?! No way, we are here for mess.

Ron is so unwilling to talk about his issues that all of the roommates are forced to only discuss Ronnie’s situation when he gets up from the table to go to the bathroom or when he has his daily bathroom crying session. I like it, MTV. I like it. A slow build. I am on the edge of my seat. Mike is back at it with his constant eating. He now calls himself “Big Daddy Sitch” and hilariously goes out in a horizontally striped shirt to show off his thickness! I love Mike. I honestly like him more now that he’s all spiritual and mindful and 100% sober. He always served as such a hilarious story-weaver and it’s good to have him back in confessionals in his right mind.

The girls get together for lunch before leaving for Vegas and Deena drops a bomb! She’s not going to Vegas because she’s preggers! Honestly, I could do without you this season. The most epic seasons were before you arrived and all you did last season was cry and talk about making babies so do your thing, girl!

The boys get ready to go out for guy’s night and immediately Ronnie shuts down the idea of going to a strip club. Really, Ron? Mike isn’t the only one who has a problem with “french fries.” I’m with Pauly. Ron has been coached and instructed to behave like Puerto Rican Jesus. It’s all so contrived, it’s truly laughable! At this point, according to Vinny, we know that Ronnie posted that he was a “single dad” only 2 days prior to filming beginning so the jig is up. You can only keep up the squeaky clean act for so long and the previews tell us it won’t be long at all. Did anyone else peep Jen pulling off her mic to get in Ron’s face?! Give me the drama, Jen! Give me what Sam should be giving me!

The self-proclaimed hot mess moms arrive to the Vegas house drunk, but with gifts for the new baby. It gets real when Snooki tries to pretend she mentioned JWOWW's sworn nemesis, Angelina, might be coming to Vegas in place of the preggers meatball. Jenni remains cool but mentions she could use a chew toy. Snooki, why are you being messy and acting like Jenni is not your BEST FRIEND?! Why are you trying to bring Angelina around when you know it will cause problems. I’m with JWOWW on this one, but I’m also here for some confrontation that will eventually resolve, unlike Ron and his baggage.

Jen stops by the house with baby Ariana and Jenni reveals she has a “secret.” Honestly, all of these little secrets and announcements are getting on my nerves. This is why Ron is still on the show, despite clearly being in need of professional psychological help. JWOWW reveals she’s been talking to Ron’s baby mama. Who cares? She says she has PTSD from the last time she got involved in Ron’s relationship and the best part of this entire storyline is that MTV will continue to show clips of Sam punching Ron and fighting JWOWW. Besides the fact that I don’t think that this is that big of a deal, I get why JWOWW reached out to Jen. This girl literally posted a video that seems to indicate she was in a physical altercation of some kind with her baby daddy. And she’d just given birth. I don’t think it was shady for her to reach out and according to The Situation, Ron wasn’t answering anyone’s calls anyway.

FINALLY! We get to it. Jenni is ready to confront the roomies about the Mother’s Day video, she asks for Mike’s assistance on confronting them and he follows through like any true girlfriend should. The other roomies reply with, quite honestly, some really shitty excuses for not participating, I figured they never got the request, but they did! They all did. They apologize to JWOWW, but they don’t really get how hurt she is so she does what any normal adult would: take 5 tequila shots, lets Ron know she’s been talking to Jenn behind his back and exposes Vinny’s cheating ways (surprise, surprise).

After a night of what Pauly calls “Smash Squad” AKA Pauly and Vinny fucking girls in twin beds four feet away from each other, the roomies get ready for a pool party. Jen calls and tells Ronnie her flight out of town with the baby has been “cancelled” (Yeah, sure) and she wants to go out with the roommates tonight. Ronnie immediately spirals, drinks, and gets into a fight with a skinny douche baguette with a Gucci bag who confronts him in the bathroom, of all places. Anyone else think this may have been a drug deal gone wrong? Vinny puts the blame on Jen for “pushing Ron’s buttons.” I’m sorry. When are y’all gonna make this boy take responsibility for his actions?! You can’t seriously think any frustration Jen has with Ron just comes from thin air, right? Do we need to pull up the footage of Ron smashing Sam’s bed to smithereens with one hand? I can only imagine what he’s put that girl through since she had the baby.

Ron breaks down, starts to shake, and eventually pulls his old cry in the bathroom move. When is he gonna realize his mic is still on and we know he’s crying? Has anyone given him a psych evaluation since season 1? The Situation admitted in a podcast interview that he found some pretty creative ways of getting ahold of the hard stuff while filming. If Ron is just on alcohol then Snooki's lips are real.

Nicole is right, Ron needs to talk to his roommates and stop trying to hide shit. I have never seen anyone on any reality television show successfully hide their dirty laundry. In the words of Lisa Rinna: you gotta own it. Period. However, I understand Ron’s frustration at Jen allegedly using baby Ariana as leverage when she is angry with Ron. According to Ron, she’s disappeared with the baby for up to 5 days. Everyone is so quick to jump on Ron’s side, but I’m with JWOWW, Ron, you chose this life! You made decisions that got you here. You are not a victim of circumstance. I think there’s way more to Jen’s side of the story than we know and I’m ready to hear and see her side.

Jen might just be my new favorite character. This is a complete evolution. Jen is not pregnant anymore and she is NOT HERE TO PLAY. Ron, watch out. Jen, this is your moment, sweetie. 3, 2, 1, ACTION! Welcome to the Jersey Shore, bitch!

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

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