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Jersey Shore Recap: Fuckery 101

By Ashley Hart Adams

We resume with Ron finally opening up to his roommates about his tumultuous relationship with Jen and why he’s been behaving like Puerto Rican Jesus. JWOWW’s point of view completely flips from last week and we see her and her fellow roommates show an immense amount of compassion for Ron. According to the former Puerto Rican Jesus wannabe, he does not love Jen and does not want to even be with her, he just sticks around because he can’t stand the idea of not seeing his daughter every day. Man... That’s tough. I’m still not sure how I feel about this situation. Though I agree with Pauly D that fathers have rights, I STILL think there is more to Jen’s side of the story. Don’t get me wrong. I never agree with a mother keeping a child from its father, but I don’t necessarily buy this edit of Jen as the villain who just hides the baby from Ron just because, or maybe she is just a crazy bitch? I don't know.

I am seriously touched by the role Pauly D takes on in this episode. During Ron’s heart to heart with his roommates and inbetween his visits to cry in the bathroom, Pauly point blank asks Ron, “Do you wanna be with this girl?” and Ron shakes his head no. Where has the real Ron been? Stuck inside the body of Puerto Rican Jesus because if he doesn’t behave, Jen will take off with the baby. Pauly gives Ron some really solid advice about seeking legal counsel to gain joint custody of baby Ariana. When Ron seems dejected about the possibility of fighting for custody, JWOWW reminds Ron that Jen has a record. HOLD UP! Apparently, Jen has been arrested not once, not twice, not three, but 5 TIMES! Once for indecent exposure, twice for battery, once for domestic violence, and once for driving under the influence. So... the roommates are right. Ron may have a fighting chance if the judge has to choose between a felon and a cokehead.

After the house meeting, Ron retreats to the bathroom for this episode’s bathroom cry. Again, when is the guy going to realize he is wearing a mic and WE KNOW HE IS CRYING? If he's been on reality TV this long wouldn't he know to at least hold his thumb over the mic so we can't hear him sulk? After attempting to call Jen again and having her forward his call to voicemail, Ron emerges from the bathroom, throws on his Jordans with conviction and states that he is leaving because he needs to find his daughter. Before he can leave, producers stop him, and in some new age MTV mess that we have not really seen on any other show besides Teen Mom, the producers are actually given names (Hey, Sally Ann and Sarah) and converse with Ron about his options as he is continuously forwarded to voicemail by Jen. You know reality TV gets real when they show the producers.

By this point in the episode, I am seriously overwhelmed with all of this real-life drama. Whatever happened to the Stage Five Clingers and dodging grenades? Oh yeah.. that was 10 years ago before they all had kids and a crazy bitch in their lives. Like Mike “The Situation”, I needed to eat my feelings, can I just say I am loving the storyline between Mike and food?! Vinny, leave Big Daddy Sitch alone and let him eat, he’s potentially facing 50 years in prison. Let him stuff his face with funfetti and pasta because the only thing he's going to eat behind bars is Bubba's BBC in the shower block.

The editors did everything they could to make us care about the other roomies, but ultimately their storylines just served as moments of composure from the shit show that is Ronnie’s life. The roommates decide to get their Vegas on and head to the casino for some gambling, however, when they return, Ron wakes up from his emotional hangover and states that he is going to a lawyer to review his options. Wow. I am really impressed with Ron’s maturity and his unrelenting determination to be in his child’s life, however, Pauly had to get Ron together realllllll quick when he insinuated that he was seeking legal counsel in the hopes that Jen would step up and they could reconcile. Why? What benefit is Jen bringing to his life besides keeping him in the pages of Good Tea every few weeks and their occasional coked up sex sessions? Something tells me that Ron wasn’t being 100% truthful about not having any love for Jen. Either that or he’s addicted to the drama more than he's addicted to coke. They are still currently together (sigh) so it’s definitely one of the two.

Ron heads out to his meeting and as the remaining roommates discuss where to go for the night, Ron’s baby mama, Jen, shows up with a friend who I guess isn’t worthy enough to be given a name like the producers. Let's call her Crystal because she definitely had a stripper vibe going on, but I guess that's a prerequisite to being friends with Jen. How much do you wanna bet Ron’s producer “friends” Sarah and Sally Ann had something to do with this “unexpected arrival?”

Crystal goes on about how Ron is crazy and has destroyed Jen’s house but Pauly calls bullshit and counters that Jen has done something similar. When Jen is questioned about the validity of this claim, she gives me my favorite quote of the night when she nonchalantly answers, “I broke his TV. Yeah.” Is this bitch for real? At least the crazy bitch can own that she's a crazy bitch so I have to respect that. JWOWW is right. Ron has met his match. Clap if you want to, Ron! Jen will clap back harder with shit in her hands that's gonna fly all over Ron's guy-lights. Sorry, Vinny and Mike, your inspirational quotes didn’t make the cut, Jen’s words gave me absolute reality TV life and we don't have time for the campy fun in this recap.

Ron returns from his meeting with the lawyer and the roommates drop the unfortunate news that Jen came by and will be back soon. That is like telling the kids in The Sound of Music the Nazi's are coming without the quick thinking nuns stepping into save them, nothing good can come of that. Ronnie has been fucked by the producers on this show more times than a whore on spring break and Jen strutting down the hotel corridor in her neon "The Struggle Is Real" tank top is the ultimate money shot. Like I said before, at this point, the other roommates are very supporting characters to the true stars of the show, Ron and Jen. They just serve as filler when the episode is getting a bit too heavy and to thread together a storyline for Ron.

The roomies head out to dinner and leave Ron to converse with Jen. Homegirl arrives and a bitch doesn’t even knock! She immediately screams Ron’s name, calls him out for calling her names in one breath and, in the next breath, calls him some pretty vile names. I think they have bigger issues than him calling her a whore. She then pulls the ultimate move of disrespect: shespits in Ron’s face before physically assaulting him. GIRL! What are you doin’?! Spitting is only acceptable during sex and even then it's questionable. I wanted to be on your side so badly. Last week, I was welcoming you to the Jersey Shore, this week it looks like I'm welcoming you (back) to jail bitch!

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!