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Jersey Shore Recap: Headlock Hookers

By Danielle Levy

Angelina’s "bombshell" arrival continues from last week’s episode and, as mentioned in last week’s recap, the cast just pretends not to know anything about Angelina’s appearance as if this hasn’t happened 3 times previously. Granted the rest of the cast is pretty entertaining as individuals but we can’t watch an entire season of them getting along perfectly and stepping up as untrained therapists for each other, right? Realistically, what else could this show possibly do BESIDES bring Angelina back? Her arrival forces Jenni to bring up the fact that she’s not a part of the “family” over.. and over.. and over again. Confused as to whether Jenni thinks she’s in Jersey Shore, The Godfather, or Fast and the Furious with all this talk about “respecting the family” but it needs to end already. We get it.

Just when I’ve had enough of the Angelina drama, the cast and voodoo doll Pauly D head out to Planet Hollywood for a day rage which is their SPECIALTY. I’m all hyped up expecting ample Jersey Turnpikes, beat up beats, & whatever that crazy foot dance Ron always does is called, but all that really ends up happening is that Vinny hits on a girl who seemingly wants nothing to do with him (which I can’t fathom because Vinny is mayor of Zaddy City this season) and Big Daddy Sitch gives Ang some advice on how not to be public enemy #1 with the mob. You’d think this would not be news to her at this point but somehow needs to be repeated. Kinda snooze-worthy but there WAS a chokehold advertised last week that’s keeping me very interested in what’s about to happen.

But for now, we’re back at the house where Snooki and JWoww are waaaasted. They engage in some drunken confessional antics, ramble, and fall over, which is always enjoyable and classic Snooks & JWoww behavior. Angelina continues to be a room stand-in for Pauly, and Vinny could not possibly look more uncomfortable about sharing a room with a girl who period sharts and apparently doesn’t bathe (often). Angelina claims she “doesn’t want drama with both Jenni AND Vinny” so she chooses to apologize to Vin (for the slap) but continue the debauchery with Jenny—not really sure I agree with that logic but we’re talking about Angelina here.

Jenni, Snooki, & Ang head to dinner in a cab together and the sight of Jenni and Angelina stuck in a car together makes me very nervous. Jen and Ang fight about what’s worse to call each other on the internet- a Jersey Whore or a Dirty Little Hamster. Ang then tells Jenni that she didn’t mean to call her a whore but that she WAS ACTING LIKE A WHORE. Shook the earth with that one. Oh, but don’t worry, she then clarifies that she didn’t mean “whore” she just meant “bitch.” Much better. The two make a half-assed pact to be cordial, but we can all tell by the look on her face that Jenni’s not letting this one go.

They arrive at a restaurant and Snooki acknowledges that she is feeling VERY classy at dinner tonight.. just an hour after admitting that she was wasted, running around the casino calling herself Marge and rubbing the asses on a lobby statue. We get treated to a montage of the Pauly/Vinny bromance which is always a treat (these two are going places, I’m telling you) but Angelina interrupts the moment by reminding everyone for the 45th time that she’s had sex with Vinny, that Nicole’s had sex with Vinny, that they’ve both had sex with Vinny and they’ve both had their tits done. Vin looks like he’d rather have slept with an Elvis impersonator on the Las Vegas strip at this point while Jenni’s so offended by Angelina’s requests to see her boobs that she flees to go sit with a random bachelorette party at the next table. Angelina could rub a prostitute the wrong way at this point.

The crew heads to Drai’s nighclub where Sitch points out the “sea of thotties” present at the club—this guy can’t hook up, can’t drink, can’t possibly be having a good time, and I’m just wondering at what point he’s gonna crack. It’s gotta happen, right? OH WAIT. HERE WE GO. Ron’s fancy footwork!!!! I knew it’d make an appearance, I just knew it. Not quite up to par with 2009-2010 footwork but it’ll do, in addition to some brand new club material we’ve not yet seen. Vin mentions a new move by Ron called “the serial killer” and he must’ve picked that one up from his girlfriend.

Angelina needs to STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER AND JENNI HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. After harassing Jenni at dinner, and now at the club, here comes the chokehold. Jen gets (understandably) angry that Angelina will not leave her body alone, got a good grip on Angelina’s neck and all of a sudden this is the biggest event in MMA since Mayweather/McGregor. Someone get Jenni a contract because this woman is an actual beast. Vinny gets awoken with news from producers that his Uncle Sal passed away back at home and he has to leave to be with his family. Poor Vinny. For a minute I thought they were talking about Uncle Nino and my heart dropped but prayers go out to the Guadagninos. Unfortunately, Vinny has to leave just as Pauly is coming back-- a true Romeo & Juliet love story. Ships passing in the night.

We then learn that Snooki was so drunk the night before that she ate a burger and fries on the toilet and tbh that is a serious mood. That’s a level I hope to reach every single weekend of my life. The roomies are anxiously awaiting a prank to the prank war champion (try reading that without hearing it as PRANK-WOR-CHAMPION!) by putting the hamster in his bed and his reaction is priceless. One of true and absolute disgust. Pauly amazingly takes the game one step further by making a homemade Vinny Cheesestick Keto Guido and putting it on his chain. Putting someone on your chain is serious, y’all. That’s like giving someone your pin or your letter jacket back in the 50s. Pauly is then SO disgusted by Angelina’s bodily juices that he requests to have the bed thrown out by authorities while she watches and laughs/secretly wants to die.

Snooki/producers decide that this vacation needs some amping up so she invites her friend Joey out to Vegas as a replacement meatball. Jenni literally can’t stop saying the word “family” again, and decides this trip is not “family” enough for her so she must go home to her ACTUAL family who, ironically enough, she does not really refer to as family. Anyone following this? Jenni announces she’s leaving the following day and next week’s episode looks IN-FUCKING-SANE. Someone please reassure me that I am not seeing what I think I am seeing which is a potential Pauly/Angelina makeout sesh in the club.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!