Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Finding Nema
Shahs was always the show I could count on to deliver but I’m just not feeling this season. I’ve been waiting for something to happen for weeks now but we are officially seven episodes in and the only thing that happened was MJ’s dad dying and her giving Golnesa the option to be a cunt. For mine, Bravo’s and the entire casts bank accounts sake I hope this show improves because this episode felt like it took 40 years to finish instead of 43 minutes. Without ads of course because I’m boughy like that.
MJ’s wedding is possibly the only thing driving me to watch this season. Scratch that. MJ’s bachelorette party is the only thing driving me to watch this season. Normally the Shahs go on an exotic vacation to a place none of us have seen through reality TV and connect with their ethnic roots like Turkey and Israel but this year the big cast trip is Vegas. Really Bravo? This would be an acceptable vacation spot if it was the first season and the producers wanted to test the livers of the cast, but we are seven seasons in and the only trip they get to take is a 40-minute plane ride? Big Bear didn’t count because it only consisted of Nema getting Me Too-y with GG. These Shahs better be pissing vodka on this trip because it’s the only way they’ll get away with this lacklustre vacation destination, but these Persians are probably the biggest drinkers on Bravo so if there’s one group that can relish in Sin City, it’s this one.
The casting for the Vegas trip is already off. Even though Mike obviously doesn’t want his barely legal five-head of a girlfriend Morgan to come so that he can snort coke of numerous THOTs asses, I agree. The trip should only have the main squad: Reza, MJ, Golnesa, Mike, Shervin, Destiney and Nema. Nema doesn’t need to come but he’s getting paid so he might as well tag along. No one needs Adam and his whiny voice there and Tommy definitely shouldn’t come. How is the bride to be supposed to whoop it up with her husband-to-be there? It should be a friends trip, not a couples trip, they are going to Vegas, not Bora Bora.
You know this show is bad when the main plot revolves around Mike not introducing his girlfriend to meet his parents. She’s 26 years old and Mike has spent more time flossing than he has in this relationship. He was still chasing Mona at the start of the season so they definitely haven’t been dating long enough to meet his parents. Does ANYONE remember what happened with Jessica? Speaking of Jessica, did anyone catch how Mike’s parents blamed the dissolution of their marriage on her being a different nationality and not the fact that their son cheated on her? Did the Shouhed’s just forget that little fact? Morgan is definitely trying to be Jessica 2.0 by making Persian food for Passover but someone might need to sit her down and binge watch seasons four through six so she doesn’t race into a Rabbi’s office to convert.
While we are on the subject of changing your religion for “love,” Adam is officially a Jew. Yay? I’ve never cared less about anything and if Adam wants to pull a Charlotte York than God bless but it isn’t going to change his mousy voice or total lack of any and all personality. I don’t know if we’ve met a reality star (and I use that term loosely) as redundant as Adam. Even Reza doesn’t value him if he did they would share all their money and he wouldn’t always rub it in his face that he’s the breadwinner. Obviously, Reza’s main source of income is coming from Shahs because can you remember the last time you saw him sell a condo?
There were so many scenes about nothing in this episode it was ridiculous. GG decided to get Nema to help with her photo shoot for her new weed company and he’s probably the only person with two working eyes that can’t see they are never going to be together, but that’s probably because he’s up inside her rectum and has no knowledge or perception of the outside world. GG wasn’t flirting with guys at the hooka lounge as bait to make other guys jealous, NEMA is the bait to make other guys jealous. It’s like watching an eighth grader have a crush on their English teacher with big titties, you know he’s masturbating to the polite smiles she gives him in the hallway but this can never become a real relationship. GG isn’t going to ride someone who has a lower BMI than she does, but she is going to exploit their media company in order to get a free photo shoot out of it.
It’s so fucking cringeworthy to watch Nema’s confessionals where he thinks he’s making progress with Golnesa by meeting her parents, helping her take photos and flirting with her because she probably doesn’t even remember his last name, she’s just their for the constant attention. She doesn’t have a puppy so she might as well have a Nema. How sad is it going to be when his time as a one season wonder is up and all he’ll be remembered as by us Bravo fans is the guy who with an anaemic looking face who was obsessed with Golnesa.
The only storyline I gave an ounce of a shit about was Destiney finding her dad. If I didn't have a fucked up fatherly relationship I wouldn't have given it much notice but I identify with the struggle of not having a relationship with your parent, so I was here for this storyline. Destiney's dad abandoned them and fled back to Iran, originally I thought he died but he just ditched them which is so much worse. Ten years ago Destiney's mother who looks like a budget Vida, hired a PI to find the dad and brought him back to America to meet the family he abandoned but nothing really happened and Destiney was too shy to get the answers she needed, so what better time to hire another PI to find your estranged father than when you become a full-time cast member on a Bravo reality show?
The whole backstory seems a little sketchy. The dad worked in all these random countries, may even have multiple families and Destiney doesn't even know what he does for a living. Budget Vida definitely has all the answers Destiney needs but as a typical ethnic mother, she'll probably keep it to herself unless a producer manages to pull it out of her to advance the storyline. We better meet this deadbeat dad before the end of the season, even if they have to translate everything into English because even though I like Destiney and her extra ways, this is really the only storyline going for her aside from being stood up at a car dealership party. I'm invested and intrigued in this storyline but she is going to have to stop crying every time the topic is brought up if she wants us to keep watching.
Even Bravo knows this season is a snooze fest because they slapped a “Still to come this season” montage in at the end to keep us watching for a show that only has seven episodes left - at most. Apart from the bachelorette party and MJ’s wedding, I don’t have high hopes for the rest of the season but I’m praying to the Bravo gods that their drunken debauchery will be enough to save this season.
Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!