RHOC Recap: Mommy Dearest
Tamra is still scooting her way around the OC and it will never get old. The juxtaposition of this hot Californian MILF strolling the streets in a moon boot and the geriatric scooter is iconic, especially since Shannon found her own scooter after she hurt her foot walking. You know exercise is not your thing when you can't even go for a walk without causing a serious injury, I'm surprised Vicki hasn't thrown herself down the stairs just to fit in with her frenemies because we all know if there's one thing Victoria Gunvalson hates more than women who don't work, it's feeling left out. While Kelly tried to fuck Tamra's hot foot doctor he informed us that Tamra only has two weeks left with the boot, so it's time to say goodbye to the scooter. It's going to tough and I have more emotions attached to this fucking scooter than I do to Gina's divorce.
The main feud this season seems to be between Vicki and Kelly and I'm kind of over it. Kelly is the GOAT in the OC at the moment and Miss Piggy is possibly one of the worst human beings who has ever graced our reality TV screens. The greatness about Bravo based programming is that everyone is so flawed you continuously feel yourself flipping between who's side you're on but ever since Brooks has been in the picture in the OC I've stayed firmly on one side: not Vicki's.
Kelly and Vicki were real friends off camera, or at least that's what their Instagram feeds led us to believe so the cougar definitely has all the tea on the fuckery that is Vicki's life. I 100% believe that Steve broke up with her and moved in with his mommy. Sure, Vicki said his house was being rented which was why he had to live with his mommy but she also claims to love him, so we can't really believe what comes out of their latest face. I imagine Steve Lodge living at his mother's house like Trey from Sex And The City bathing while his mom watched. He doesn't like talking about sex and he's drier than the little bitch's sense of humour, so Steve being the Trey character on this show isn't too far of a reach.
This show isn't too great at the moment so Tamra running back to Vicki and telling her all the shit Kelly said about her boyfriend behind her back is the only thing really driving it right now. Kelly is a seasoned professional at this game and she didn't get mad at Tamra for telling Vicki what she said, which is what I love about my Housewives. A good Housewife needs to support everything she says about her costars and can't shoot the messenger for relaying the message for dramatic reasons when the scene will be aired for the world to see in six months anyway. NEVER SHOOT THE MESSENGERS!
Tamra is a great cast member, she may not be in the drama but she knows how to stir it subtly from the side without being dragged into it but the awkwardness of Kelly talking about Vicki literally behind her (or her front) was hilarious and if Vicki's Italian side piece wasn't in her kitchen waiting to go upstairs for a quickie with her I'm sure her family van voice would've come out in full effect.
Gina is officially in the middle of the weirdest Housewives divorce we have ever since. The New York implant and her phantom husband are "best friends" who still fuck but they just don't love each other anymore. Um. Okay. Matt DEFINITELY was fucking Los Angeles THOTs five nights a week in his fuck pad because if this hot DILF was waiting to fuck his best friend every weekend and be celibate during the week then I'm sure pigs (Vicki) can fly too. Gina can't come on a reality show about her life with a group of nosy women and expect them not to insert their opinions into her business.
Gina broke the news of her divorce to the ladies like she was telling them she likes walnuts or has a fat labia, I don't understand how she can be so nonchalant and naive about the dissolution of her marriage. I agree with the ladies that her divorce is weird but Vicki just wants them to stay together because she still has a severe case of Jeana Keough Syndrome (no, not mad cow) and always tries to get anyone and everyone to stay with their asshole husbands. As fucked up as this divorce is, I just don't care.
Briana Culberson's lookalike definitely signed her Bravo contract and divorce simultaneously and came into the show with a plan to get out of her marriage so obviously there was an affair, money issues or something. The husband isn't going to divorce her over a job or decide not to appear in front of any and all Bravo cameras just for the sake of it, there's something that went down in her marriage which she isn't telling us and that's her business but when you come on a reality show you have to be more transparent than an albino in the sun. It would be one thing if she exposed him on TV and created some drama but this "best friend" bullshit, is just that: bullshit.
During Vicki's sad Italian night, Gina cried in the bathroom to her husband, without speakerphone of course, after all the ladies came for her about her weird divorce which is a normal human emotion but what the fuck did she except when she joined this show? The whole situation is so bizarre and I'm already over analysing it. And since when was this group so religious? I thought I was watching RHOC not some weird direct access preacher show.
Speaking of Vicki's Italian Night, she called the ladies over to her Coto mansion so her friend could teach them how to cook? She's known this guy for 15 years and we didn't even get a flashback? The whole set up for this event was weirder than Gina's divorce and I don't totally understand who her friend is or why we should care. That's my biggest problem with this show, the only storyline I care about is Tamra's scooter, Kelly getting laid and anything to do with Shannon Beador.
Vicki definitely got some Italian sausage after all the ladies left her party because Vicki seems like she'd like to get fucked while swinging upside down on her chandelier while three wise men are sucking on her titties and she has a flute in her pussy American Pie style, Steve Lodge and his 1960s sports newscaster ways aren't going to give her any of that. And if she wants everyone else to stop questioning her relationship she should probably stop literally questioning it by putting question marks on whether weird Italians should flirt with her.
We ended the episode with Kelly going over to the Mormon's humble abode to apologise for calling him a little bitch. Instead of letting bygones be bygones and moving on with Kelly, the little bitch stuck true to his dry personality and continued to be a little bitch by not owning any of his behaviour, continuing to blame Kelly for their issue and making it awkward for everyone: in short, he was being a little bitch. I felt sorry for the cameraman. I also feel sorry for the house kids who awkwardly have to play with each other upstairs while their parents get drunk and fight with each other because they awkwardly have to get along for the sake of their parent's paychecks.
There is no way the Little Bitch doesn't have a gay porn subscription or make Emily wear a strap-on in the bedroom. If your wife has to remind her friends that you have a dry sense of humour and you're sarcastic so that they don't awkwardly sit there in silence after he insults them, then he isn't dry, he isn't sarcastic, he's just an asshole and while he's provided us with more than enough content during this season, I'm over seeing him and his monotone voice moan in the corner while his wife makes excuses for him. Emily needs a better makeup artist and Shane needs the stick pulled out of his asshole and a dildo placed up their instead. Maybe he'll finally be happy because we already know he can't drink, so he needs some kind of joy in his life.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!