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RHOD Recap: Painting Pooches

This episode was very little kid heavy which made it a tough 43 minutes to sit through. I don't know if Bravo gives enough fucks about the fans but the majority of us Housewives loyalists are done with seeing snot-nosed brats running around. No one wants to deal with annoying little kids in real life let alone sit down to watch them through a screen every week. I've talked about this issue more than I've discussed my love for LeeAnne Locken or the fact that Cary Deuber is as useful on this show as a pink speck in Kam's dog food so for my own sanity I'm not going to repeat the reasons why we don't need to see any house kids anymore but Bravo, do better!

The first very rough kid scene was with Kameron and her brood. Her kid's names are so unmemorable that I didn't even try to remember them but ever since they were babies Kam has made them speak Spanish because half the world speaks Spanish. Does she want them to be able to speak to half the world or speak to her gardeners for her when she wants them to trim a hedge? If she was really invested in broadening their horizons wouldn't she get them to speak Mandarin because that's the most valuable language you can speak in terms of business (allegedly) but I guess Spanish sounds better, I don't know?

Getting your kids to speak various lanuages sounds like a good idea but when they start to conspire against you and you don't know what the fuck they are saying then I think Kameron is going to rethink the thousands of dollars she spent on furthering their bilingual skills. Side note: seeing Kam swallow that cupcake was probably one of the saddest things I've seen yet in reality TV, however, it confuses me why her hobbit husband still doesn't like her if she can fit that much in her mouth and not gag.

Mama Dee made her comeback in this episode and she even got her own confessional. Screaming. Dee is the undisputed star of the show and the fact that Bravo paid her to sit down in front of a green screen in hair and makeup for the day makes me have faith they know the value of the icon they are dealing with. I'm still waiting for some kind of Mama Dee spinoff show to happen because I would watch any and all episodes of that, even the cringy lost footage episode that no one ever bothers to watch. After over a decade of false hope of giving D'Andra her company, Dee finally conceded and handed the skincare company over to her daughter. I kept waiting for a catch but I think Dee finally just gave up.

Although I want them to have a great relationship, I was here for Dee accosting her on reality TV. Nobody has delivered more to this show in three seasons than Mama Dee did in her single fight scene with D'Andra. This is why she needs her own Apprentice-style spinoff so I can get my fill of her finding somebody to yell at with her blue eyeshadow and 80s wig. It's about time she finally handed the company over but I guess we'll see what happens because the paperwork has yet to be signed.

Aside from the kid stuff we had to sit through a really tough scene of Cary talking about not liking her parents. Who gives a fuck? Brandi adopted a kid, Stephanie opened up about trying to kill herself, D'Andra has mother/daughter drama, LeeAnne may or may not be getting married and all Cary has to talk about is that she never really got along with her parents because she refused to put rubbish in the right bin? What the actual fuck. Without LeeAnne accusing Cary's husband of getting his dick sucked in a gay bar, she really has no storyline and she better hope, a fresh round of Roundup allegations come out because she's going to need them if she wants to stay on the show.

The cast trip is already being teed up with Cary wanting to go to Copenhagen to connect with her dad's family but if the issue is with her dad why doesn't she stay on US soil and deal with her issues with him and not his extended family? Anything for a storyline I guess because what else does she have going for her? That confessional racoon makeup?

Kameron decided to throw potentially the worst party idea in history. It involved painting, children and dogs. I literally cannot think of three things I want to see less of on reality TV apart from PK or anything with Vicki Gunvalson. To make matters worse the Nicole Kidman lookalike/icicle of a woman also hired a string quartet to sit in the corner and play classical music but only three of them bothered to show up. Seeing only 75% of a string quartet attend their paid gig is such a fucking mood.

Nothing really happened at this party except for a lot of really rough kids scenes with Brandi's two annoying daughters who all but swallowed the cameras in the car and cried more than a pregnant teen on prom night. Cary's daughter and Stephanie's son also may or may not have started a romance which is the only small child storyline I've ever been in support of because in all the franchises we've never had two house kids hookup. You would think there were some kind of hookup with all the teens in the early seasons of New Jersey or OC but I guess not, or they at least kept their mess off camera.

D'Andra still hates LeeAnne for saying she has $200 in her bank account and I am fucking over it. Who cares? She said sorry what else do D'Andra and her newly acquired company want from LeeAnne? Instead of talking about their issues the two friends went for a walk down a single street in Dallas while D'Andra wore a really tight bucket hat that should've been burned the second after it was made. D'Andra's still obsessed with asking LeeAnne anything and everything about her wedding but it's not it's coming from a supportive kind place, it's coming from a place of fuck you. I get that D'Andra is pissed her friend spoke about her behind her back but does she need to keep quizzing her about her upcoming wedding to get back at her?

Instead of giving LeeAnne a hug, D'Andra put it out into the Bravo universe that Rich isn't faithful and he and LeeAnne live separate lives. Those are passive aggressive fighting words and while I'm proud of D'Andra for playing dirty for the sake of reality TV, it really was an asshole move. If they've been together for nine years and you've been best friends with her for that entire time wouldn't you know if he's cheating and if she did previously tell you he cheated why would you bring it up on a reality show?Either she knew he cheated and wanted to get LeeAnne to talk about it on camera or she just heard the gossip in the streets and wanted to confront her with it. Either way, it was a bitch move. Good TV but a bitch move nonetheless.

I understand this is a television show but just as a human being standpoint if my best friend outed my soon to be husband as a cheater on national TV I would cut them off like an amputees arm. D'Andra is messy as fuck this season which I admire but it's also at the cost of LeeAnne so let's hope she throws that fucking bowl away and gets her hands dirty once again. We've seen the season trailer, we know it's coming but I'm still fucking waiting eight episodes in.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.

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