Below Deck Recap: Badass Bosun

By Danielle Levy

Unfortunately, episode two continues with the creepy foam midget primary who refused a life jacket and pissed Captain Lee off. This was definitely strike one for Chandler and I have a feeling it won’t be the last. But today, the guests are supposed to have a beach picnic and in the history of below deck, a beach picnic setup has NEVER gone well. I love how this is all designed so that Kate can send her stews off to the beach picnic as a test to see who can fuck this up the least (aka a reason to yell at Caroline and praise Josiah).

While the beach picnic is cancelled *sigh of relief* Chef Adrian tells Caroline that he feels like she could snap at any moment and I feel that that’s a very accurate assessment for a girl who spends 24 hours trying to get over the fact that her coworker told her to “sh”. Caroline reveals her dad is a narcissist, and I guess her daddy issues explain why she’s so annoying and on edge all the time. This definitely sounds like foreshadowing for her crazy antics to come.

While the cancellation of the beach picnic is great for the crew, the creepy primary with a Napoleon complex throws a temper tantrum to Captain Lee “I WANT A BEACH PICNIC AND I WANT IT NOW” and gives Lee an ultimatum: either he gets to have his beach picnic or he’ll jump off the bow. Honestly would prefer him to jump off the bow and get eaten by a sea of sharks and I feel like his guests all kinda agree with me. He jumps off the bow (with a chaperone) and I’m glad that makes him feel so much better- he gets a lollipop for not crying. Lucky for him, he behaves himself at dinner and Capt Lee lets us know he’s not “malicious” but he’s still v annoying so we don’t really care if he means it or not.

Meanwhile, below deck, Chef Adrian continues to be a rainbow on top of a pile of puppies on top of a smile, Chandler is a wet blanket who can’t find the time to help out his deck crew which ultimately makes him look bad, and Kate’s killing it with the one-liners but also with the positive reinforcement for her crew. Proud of her. Even foam party midget Steve’s own guests refuse to get into a Jacuzzi with him even though he’s shelling out some serious cash for this trip, so he oddly begs for Kate and then him and his sad boner head to bed.

Chandler claims to be a badass bosun but forgets the difference between starboard and port and I honestly even know that from watching this show for 10 years but also from watching Wedding Crashers and also Friends soo there’s really no excuse for him. Also, this is episode 2 and not yet ONE chef complaint has been made! Has this ever happened before? Without meal drama what will this show do? I guess it looks like deck drama will take over the episode with this Hitler of a bosun on board.

Captain Lee meets with the crew for the tip meeting and I can’t wait for him to call out Chandler for being the only person on board who did a shitty job. This guy deserves to be HUMBLED. It’s also so embarrassing when these guests leave tips that are then totally looked down upon by the crew, esp a friend of the captain, and HELLOOOO do you realize you’re on tv? For a guy who’s main mission was to look like a total badass, he ended up a cheap jackass.

And now the moment we’ve all really been waiting for, the crew’s first night out! It’s amazing to see how each member of the crew changes from being on deck to when they have a little (a lot)of alcohol in their system. But like, who’s gonna hook up here? I don’t really see the potential for any hookups seeing as no one’s really sexually attracted to each other. Hoping they develop boat goggles for each other and do the damn thing. Just when Rhylee thought she was making a good impression with Ashton, she revealed that her and her ex fiancée thought it was lame to get each other’s names tattooed on their bodies so they got each other’s INSTAGRAM NAMES tattooed insead?! Oh yea, way cooler.

Taking millennial to the next level with this one, even though her ex-fiancee kinda looked old enough to be her dad. Meanwhile, third stew Caroline is trying so incredibly hard with everyone that it’s sad. When she says that “she has a desire to understand people” is just a classy way to say she’s desperate for everyone’s friendship like the girl wearing orange Sketchers on the 5th grade playground who interrupted with a “So, what’s everyone talking about?” every 5 minutes. Stop trying to make it happen, Caroline. It’s never going to happen.

The group proceeds to get ready to go out and WOAH, Rhylee is wearing a white tanktop with no bra and don’t get me wrong I hate wearing a bra too but that’s excessive- she’s basically begging to get fucked tonight. LOLing that Ashton tells the group that he used to dance and Kate, shadiest of them all, asks him if he danced ballroom. Chandler is the most boring person to ever appear on Below Deck and also the worst person probably ever. Ashton wants to stay out at the club to practice his stripper moves and drop his mind-blowing pickup line of “you’re beautiful” and fun-sucker Chandler uses this opportunity to punish the entire deck crew with a 6 am wakeup call.

Rhylee gets pissed and demands a chocolate dessert and I can’t wait to see the aftermath of this the next morning. You can tell Chandler’s dad was probably a colonel in the army or some shit and he definitely feels like he has a lot to prove, but either way this guy has got to go.

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!