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RHOD Recap: Babies & Booze

I fucking hate Brandi Redmond.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be a Dallas recap but can we talk about how Brandi is one of the biggest villains the entire Housewives franchise has ever seen? From day one she has tried to position LeeAnne as the villain of Dallas and she got away with it because the resident carny was threatening to kill multiple people, calling people's husbands gay, throwing glasses and wrecking havoc in the most entertaining way only LeeAnne can. However, even after LeeAnne has tried to become a better human being from banging on a bowl Brandi has still tried to push her into the villain box but this time she has nothing to back her up, so she's pulling things out of her orange ass to try and play strategy and win the Housewives game.

In Brandi's head, I think she truly believes she's the queen of the show and she may hold the centre star because she gave someone who works in production a handjob behind The Roundup but the only two women on this show who are qualified enough to be referred to as the Queen of Dallas are LeeAnne Locken or Mama Dee. Brandi can't prove that LeeAnne is the evil genius she wants her to be because she's genuinely trying to change and everyone is believing her and giving her the chance she deserves. I don't know if she wants to target LeeAnne and play the victim every season because she needs a storyline or she just wants to deflect the attention away from herself but I am so sick of this method that's being repeated for the third time over.

It's so obvious Brandi comes in with a plan to try and target LeeAnne. She befriended her best friend to get at LeeAnne, she's subtly planted seeds in D'Andra's head and now they are both coming after her for reasons that are dumber than Stephanie's IQ while she was still inside Brandi's asshole. Due to LeeAnne not threatening to end anyone's lives or breaking anything on camera Brandi is now going around the group telling everyone that LeeAnne said she adopted a baby to save her marriage. Is that really the best she can do? She's trying to go after her but there's nothing there. Everybody with two brain cells could see that Brandi was preying into LeeAnne's relationship and in reaction, she gave her a hypothetical example of why it isn't a nice thing to do by using that example. That was it. But of course in Brandi's master plan to take her down this was like dynamite because she knows everyone will believe what she says due to LeeAnne's sketchy track record - and it somewhat worked.

Cary, Stephanie and Kameron all fell for Brandi's story until Kam had enough brains to gather all the information from LeeAnne and realised exactly what Brandi was trying to do by twisting her words. Even Steph could see the manipulative ways of Brandi and I think she's slowly but surely starting to wake up from the ginger haze she's been under, especially when she tried to get in her head by saying that LeeAnne only befriended Stephanie to get at her. She may as well have flipped the finger in her face because that was the biggest passive-aggressive "fuck you" I've seen in a while. I always find that people normally accuse others of things they do themselves to deflect and that is definitely Redmond protocol.

She made D'Andra her drinking buddy to get at LeeAnne and is saying she did the same thing with Stephanie. I'm proud of LeeAnne for banging on her bowl and trying to be a better person but it gets to a point where you need to take a bitch by her mangled red weave and swing the bitch around like a fucking ragdoll to make her back the fuck up. Violence is never the answer. Blah blah. But there's only so many ways to handle a messy bitch.

The difference between Brandi and LeeAnne is that Miss Locken isn't coming in with plans. LeeAnne's plan is to keep her head down and stay out of the drama because like a jew during the Holocaust, she knows she is going to be blamed for every little thing that happens. LeeAnne is wild. She's a carny with hands you don't want to fuck with but she is only wild in reaction to others actions. She doesn't mastermind calling people's husbands gay or smashing shit up, but she'll react and it won't be pretty when she does. End of fucking story.

LeeAnne has the exact same difference with her friend D'Andra. Ever since the cameras have gone up this season Miss Simmons has gone in on every single tiny thing to do with LeeAnne's existence. Her impending nuptials were an easy target and she probably dripped in her panties when she heard LeeAnne had said she had $200 in her bank account because it finally gave her a reason to be pissed at LeeAnne, develop a storyline and secure her place for season four. If there is one.

Just as Brandi twisted LeeAnne's words about the baby to try and get all the girls against her, D'Andra did the exact same thing about her conversation with LeeAnne about alcohol. Did both these bitches pregame their attack before they arrived at Cary's sad pussy laser party which D'Andra attended dressed like the candle from Beauty and the Beast? LeeAnne said D'Andra and Brandi's relationship is strongly influenced by alcohol which isn't something that she pulled out of her ass.

Every scene we've of them together has consisted of them doing shots at lunch and getting fucked up and that's not a bad thing. My liver is probably the colour of a used cigarette butt so I am in no position to judge but LeeAnne is allowed to show concern about her friend due to her past alcohol problems and her father killing himself from the disease. That's logical. Not bitchy. She didn't call her an alcoholic and if D'Andra wants to take it that way then it says more about her than it does the resident carny. LeeAnne never called her an alcoholic but of course it was the perfect ammunition for D'Andra to run with another anti-Locken campaign.

The thing that annoys me most about D'Andra and Brandi is their faux concern. Brandi cares more about the mouse that lives in her Plato estate more than she cares about the state of LeeAnne's relationship. Why the fuck would she care why she hasn't set a date? At least own up to being a bitch instead of shielding it in bullshit concern and then yelling at LeeAnne for not owning her behaviour when it's the exact thing you're doing. D'Andra was doing the exact same thing and even Mama Dee had to step in and tell to stop giving a fuck because it's none of her business.

What did we do to deserve Mama Dee because she is the epitome of everything that is great in this world? Can we give D'Andra's star to her because she would give us a lot more than crying about not getting her mommy's business and meddling in LeeAnne's personal life. Does anyone else get a jolt of joy every time you hear Mrs Simmons tell her daughter she doesn't give a rip? I need that on a coffee mug pronto.

Brandi twisted LeeAnne's hypothetical words about her baby and D'Andra twisted them about calling her an alcoholic. That went down in this episode and I don't want to write as if I am in the crevice of LeeAnne's asshole but I don't know how you can view it any other way. Both of the ladies are obviously trying to push her into the villain box she's been placed in since the show's debut and I'm more sick of it than seeing vaginal rejuvenation and small children on this show. I'm just hoping we get the old LeeAnne (and her hands) back from this drama because I need that in my life more than I need a good job or a good sugar daddy.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.

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