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Shahs Of Sunset Recap: The Priestess Is Back

Has anyone else realised that nothing has fucking happened this season? I feel like we’ve sort of been watching the same episode week after week and I’m really not feeling it anymore. Sure, the Vegas trip was excellent TV, Shams died and MJ and GG got into it a little at the beginning of the season but aside from that all we’ve had to watch is Nema living like a hermit in Golnesa’s asshole and Mike’s fivehead of a girlfriend. I’m just ready for MJ to finally get married and walk down the fucking aisle because I don’t know how many more bullshit pre-wedding events I can take, I understand we’ve got to fill at least 12 episodes but this is too much.

Mike thinks he’s going to build an apartment complex or something, I wasn’t really listening, but if he wants to waste time and money on a plot of dirt then why not? He doesn’t have anything else to act as his storyline now that little miss fivehead is out of the picture so he may as well spend his days on a construction site Flipping Out style. Reza has a problem with it because he can’t be bothered completing one of Mike’s projects but if he doesn’t want to: don’t. They aren’t married and surely Shervin can do the heavy lifting because all we’ve seen him do this season is drive monster trucks and annoy GG about wearing her ring. Don’t get me wrong he’s a daddy but Shervin could definitely use the storyline.

Tommy and MJ finally signed their prenup and I’ve never had less respect for a human being in my life, which of course doesn’t include Adam because he just follows Reza around trying to be relevant by talking about babies to no end. I liked Tommy from the start because he’s a straight talker from New York who puts MJ in her place but what kind of idiot agrees to allow someone to keep everything they have and give them everything you have? I understand marrying for love but that was a cunt move on MJ’s part and I can’t believe Tommy didn’t push back. He didn’t even get Toya out of the prenup. I love these two together and I hope they don’t get divorced but they live in California and are on a reality show, the odds definitely are not in their favour.

The only thing I really cared about in this episode was the return of Asa and her kaftans. Asa annoyed the fuck out of me towards the end of her days on the show because she wanted to participate on a reality show but not actually show her reality. When you have a (Jackson) man at home, a kid in the oven but your main focus is selling your business and trying to make your thirsty family enough to be your storyline, then I’m not here for it. That being said I liked seeing her take another (short) spin around the block, even if it’s in the confines of her store and consists solely of her trying to sell more kaftans. Ever since Asa left the show and hasn't been forced to film with the rest of the cast she's only texted with Reza, Adam and GG and wants nothing to do with Mike and MJ. Is this really surprising? No one really stays in contact when they leave a reality show apart from the occasional Instagram comment or run in at the mall.

Asa's role on the show was basically just to come back and fill Adam's brain full of baby propaganda. Ugh. If they could pick one cast member for Asa to hang out with, why did it have to be Adam? I understand that she's not friends with a single human being in the show so I guess they had to send the mouse in to get Asa to film a scene for the show but he is such a bad actor and this scene was faker than the entire cast's hair. I miss Asa and her dumb little art projects on the show, her energy is definitely missing from this season and it doesn't feel as grounded or as dramatic as it did in previous seasons. She shouldn't be allowed to have a full-time role if she doesn't want to show her life but there's a huge absence without her this season and I miss the aura the Persian Pop Priestess delivered us with for six seasons. She had an organic, earthy, hippie vibe that rosé drinking Nema only wishes he had.

Adam's visit to Nema felt like a flash in a pan, it was over before it even started and I felt like the only things we got to hear about was baby talk. Everybody knows Adam wants a baby. We get it but Asa really didn't need to push that train home. After their short visit Asa "gifted" Adam a $700 bohemian blanket and a brain full of dumb baby ideas which he brought back to Reza. The only power Adam has in this relationship is annoying Reza about this fucking baby and my patience is wearing thinner than a piece of paper. As annoying as Adam is, Reza treats him like shit. He always points out that everything is HIS money because he's richer and Adam just seems like a sad passenger in the relationship. This isn't a partnership, it's just a diva with a groupie who follows him around complaining about breeding. That's it. They don't even seem like a fun couple, we never see them laugh we just see Reza looking like he wants to slice his wrists every time he hears Adam's mousy little voice.

In the end, Reza finally laid down the law that they won't be having children until their house is done, but shouldn't it be a joint decision? Reza wears the pants in the relationship which isn't a surprise and maybe it's because I have to be the alpha in all my relationships but if someone spoke to me the way Reza speaks to Adam I would be out of there quicker than Usain Bolt running a fucking sprint. Adam's personality is weaker than a virgin margarita and I can't deal with it anymore. Can we recast the role of Reza's husband because I don't know if I can take another season of them not having a kid.

Nothing else really happened. MJ threw a random wedding party and I still don't know what it was about but I guess they needed an excuse to film. The Nema and Golnesa relationship is like fetch, it's never going to happen. She keeps leading him on by sending flirty text messages at night and smiling in his direction which just fuels his schoolboy crush and pushes him further into her anus. He's not her type and even at the slightest suggestion of them having sex she started laughing. GG isn't attracted to his looks she's attracted to the attention and she even admitted it herself. Nema could look like a swollen foot and Golnesa would still love any and all attention he could provide her with.

Nema said the sex between them would be good but there is 1000% no way that could be true. At all. Not even a little bit. GG wants to be tied up, slapped across the face with a dick and fucked until the cows come home. Can you imagine Nema ploughing someone? The only thing I can see Nema doing is pre-ejaculating and wanting to be the little spoon. Nema thinks he's Shervin and he's just not. And why is everyone annoying Golnesa about her stupid wedding ring? Why can't she keep it? Vida knows never to throw away a good piece of jewellery and she's probably the only person smart enough on this show to tell GG to keep it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Golnesa got nothing out of that marriage except for bad memories and emotional baggage, so she may as well get an expensive ring that goes with literally anything. And how did she get it out of the pool? Did Nema jump in to fish it out? Did a producer get it? We need answers.

Apart from the dumb Nema and Golnesa bullshit, the only thing to happen at MJ's confusing party was Mike being high on something and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just life. He ran into the party like he was fresh from a bump of coke handing out flowers, kittens and protein bars to the rest of the cast. Everyone was glad the "happy" Mike had finally returned after being sad about cheating on Jessica? I'm confused. He dumped Morgan. He cheated on Jessica. He wants to fuck THOTS. What is there to be sad about? While everyone was happy the old Mike was back they should just wait 12 hours until his coke binge is over and I'm sure they'll get another load of his tantrums and tears.

Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!

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