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KUWTK Recap: Showering Babies

We are literally one week away from the Tristan Thompson fuckery and I can't wait. I'm scared it's going to be watered down due to Khloe acting like a dumb bitch and staying with him so whether you are religious or not I think we should all say a little prayer and PRAY that next week's episode is juicier than a fucking pineapple because I cannot sit through another boring hour of watching these bitches eat salad and complain about their white privilege.

I slept on my neck wrong and if I move it the wrong way too fast it feels like it's going to snap off, so naturally, I wasn't in the best mood tuning into this episode. I'm never overly excited to few a Kardashians episode these days but this neck problem made me even less enthusiastic. Khloe had a pink baby shower this episode and it made me feel sicker than a flu victim because we all know what she's about five days away from. Tristan's mama showed up to the event and gave a cute speech about Khloe being her daughter. It was nice and she seems like a delightful lady but how the fuck did she breed such an asshole?

Tristan walked in with pussy on his breath and probably just finished a session with one of his THOTs in his Uber on the way over there. He's such a gross person and he must have been feeling himself because he was in the midst of fucking every hoe this side of the Mississippi and nobody knew, except those hoes of course. Although a little piece of Khloe probably died the day she heard the news of her man's wandering penis, it was so fucking juicy and I couldn't wait for the next piece of "exclusive" tea to drip. I remember those videos of him feeling up three hoes at once, going into a hotel with another one and even that sex tape that may or may not have been his BBC rearranging organs like it was yesterday. Cheating is wrong. But when the most famous woman in the world gets cheated on two days before she gives birth, it's still wrong but it's fucking juicy.

After her "perfect" baby shower, Khloe got her pregnant ass on a plane and flew to Cleveland to wait for her baby to come. Ugh. She flew to Cleveland to be with Tristan while he was flipping bitches around on his dick and making them cream. What a pig. While in her Cleveland exile, Scott gave Khloe a visit to annoy her and give her a storyline before she gave birth. To relieve Khloe of her boredom and give them something to do, Khloe and Scott restarted their podcast that I don't think they ever intended on releasing to the public. Fuck, I don't even think their microphones were on. Like everything Scott does (drugs, drinking and cheating) he took the podcast way too far and annoyed Khloe to the point of no return. To be honest, he was probably just in the middle of a coke binge and stopped by Cleveland on the way home to get some energy out.

So much has changed in the four years since they last did their podcast. Khloe was single, Scott was with Kourtney, his parents just died, they were in the middle of their Hamptons spinoff, Khloe's hair was only semi-blonde and Scott was still running around with his lord bullshit compared to now where: Khloe's pregnant with a cheating baby daddy and Scott looks like a homeless Jesus and is dating a 4-year-old. How time flies. Khloe kept carrying on that she was laughing at Scott that much she believed she'd go into early labour. Khloe, give it about 72 more hours and I'm sure you'll WISH it was laughter that made your baby come early.

We got a fuck tonne of Kylie scenes this week and Kylie scenes are just the WORST. I'd rather watch Blac Chyna rage at Rob than watch this boring bitch complain about not being anorexic skinny. In fact, I'd rather watch Blac Chyna abuse a fragile Rob over almost everything on this show. Can we get her reality show back because she may be a genuinely horrible human being but she knows how to make good TV. Surely WETV can give the stroller thrower her own show. Kylie's scenes suck. She doesn't have real conversations about anything, if she talks at all, and the only words she really says are "stop" "I can't" or anything else with one syllable. Maybe her lip injections stopped her from having the ability to utter long words.

Kylie complained about not fitting into her old clothes due to having a baby. That bitch had a flat stomach, perky titties and a big ass, girls would kill for that body and she's complaining about it? She literally has more money than god, several homes and cars, a baby, a man, a body people would literally die for and a legion of followers, I don't want to hear her complain about ANYTHING. Are we supposed to feel bad? Why doesn't she spend some money and get surgery like how she GOT those curves in the first place. That bitch was not cornbread fed and she didn't go from having a pancake ass to a KKW one in five minutes from eating. Are we supposed to believe that Kylie Jenner is scared to go under the knife?

All this family wear are baggy sweats anyway so what does it matter if she's two sizes too big? If you hate your banging body so much, get surgery, stop complaining and call it a fucking day. Even if she did get rid of her curves (that look amazing by the way) she'd still find something to complain about. Ugh, now I know why she only appears twice a season.

The final storyline of the episode was Kim going to Washington to advocate against gun violence. I know she isn't well educated in the issue but why didn't she speak at the rally? Kim Kardashian with 100 million+ followers speaking on the stage would've been amazing exposure but I guess taking a camera crew and putting it on TV six months later does the same thing. I'm happy the girls are using their reality TV powers for good (even if it is slightly boring) because it draws attention to the issue. I'm confused about Kim's stance on gun control. She is against guns but she's always calling in favours from Trump? I'm not political AT all and I hate even the thought of politics, but that was what this episode was about so don't @ me.

Republicans like guns, Kim doesn't. I'm confused. She may as well get all her political work done and release all the criminals she can while there's a fellow reality star in power. This is the time for any and all reality stars to come forward and advocate for whatever the fuck they want because if you post a few nice things about the administration on your Twitter I'm sure you'll get someone out of prison or have some law passed. Teresa Giudice really needs to try it because it's working for Kim. From watching this episode I don't know who could sit at home and NOT want to get rid of guns? So many families have to deal with their children dying on a daily basis. It boggles me how people get their picket signs out to stop abortions but they allow countless children to die with guns everday.

Ugh. That's about as political as I can get but thank fuck Kim is using her platform for good and is trying to do SOMETHING to get people to vote, even if she isn't 100% sure what to vote for. In one episode Khloe and Scott recorded a podcast they don't intend on releasing, Kim advocated for gun control, Kylie complained about being a MILF and Kourtney told someone how to cook pasta. One of those things is not like the others. We need more Kris Jenner on this show and we need it yesterday.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.

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