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Jersey Shore Recap: A Star Is Reborn

My usual Jersey Shore recapper, the hilarious Danielle Levy, has moved onto bigger and better things. In other words, she's getting coin to write somewhere else, so I'm back writing the Jersey Shore recaps and this was probably the best episode of the season in my opinion, so I'm so happy to be giving you all the shade and snark I normally provide you with.

Snooki has always been the star of the show since she got punched in the face but this season she's taken a backseat behind Ronnie's baby mama trying to kill him and Angelina & Vinny hate fucking, however, in this episode everyone's favourite meatball took her return to the centre stage of this fucked up show and I couldn't be any more proud of the chief spiraller. A star was reborn on this trip and that star is Snooki. For the past two seasons, she's been playing the role of Nicole, the mother of two, but Snooki made her reappearance in this episode. This is the vacation that won't fucking end, these Guidos will find any excuse to have another vacation for reality TV purposes. This season we've seen them go from Las Vegas to Seaside to Atlantic City and now some weird house in the suburbs. I am here for the vacationing but don't these people have day jobs? Isn't Angelina a firefighter these days? How does she get so much time off?

According to Nicole, she found the latest house on Craiglist. We all know the producers booked this Airbnb well before the group even discussed the idea on camera, but let's just go along with it. Snooki thought the house she "booked" was on the beach like their usual shore houses but in reality, it was in a respectable Jersey suburban area. Wouldn't she have checked the address or general area if she booked the house? And who cares if there isn't a beach? The Guidos never go to the beach but it's always nice to just have it there anyway. The house itself was nice. It looked like a RHONJ's home and I'm a little saddened we haven't seen a Housewives crossover on this show yet. Melissa and Joe Gorga would fit in perfectly with this squad and Teresa could give The Situation some tips on "going away."

The Guidos arrived in waves. Snooki was the host so she ran around looking for the non-existent beach and Ronnie was the second. Snooki and Ron are the hardest partiers on this show. They're both meatballs so the alcohol hits them quicker and they are probably two of the world decision makers in the group which means we are always in for a good time with these two. Can you imagine if we were stuck with Mike and Vinny on the first night? Holy shit, that episode probably wouldn't have even make it to air because all Mike would do is eat while Vinny makes annoying jokes in his confessionals. The two meatballs were a good combination though. After Ron made the blender explode from his Ron Ron Juice, they went out for a very civilised dinner where Snooki asked Ron why he's still with Jen when she tried to kill him.

Ronnie can say the media and MTV make his relationship seem more toxic than it is, but their relationship is more unhealthy than a 95-year-old cancer patient. We've seen their Instagram beefs. We've seen his bruises, his black eyes, his road rash. We've seen her mugshot and we've seen her accuse him of killing her dog. The only people making their relationship seem bad is themselves and if they didn't post about it no one would know. I don't see the appeal to Jen. He's never been in love with her, which he admitted on the show himself, so why stay? When you're dragged from a car I think that's a good sign to end your fucked up relationship. I don't even care about Ron and Jen's feelings, I care about the baby.

Move away from each other and be civil for the sake of your baby because she is going to need a therapist living in the guest room to get through growing up with these two parents. It's not healthy and I'm annoyed we are still talking about it. It was juicy as fuck when they initially started calling each other hoes and drug addicts on Instagram but ever since they rekindled following the car incident I've lost interest in the relationship. If you stay with someone who dragged you with a moving vehicle and continues to act like a drunken asshole, then you're on your own. Not even Snooki can talk sense into him but that's like a pineapple talking sense into a watermelon. After the Jen chat, the meatballs got drunk and went to a club where they spiralled for a bit and invited Angelina over.

Instead of going back to the shore house and dropping off her luggage, Snooki made Angelina drag her bags up the stairs of the nightclub just to party with them and it was in that moment that I fell in love with the dirty little hamster. Angelina comes to play in every scene she's in, she's entertaining and she'll sit her bare ass in a funfetti cake or take her suitcase into a nightclub if she needs to. She's making up for the decade she missed out on and I appreciate it. She's a hot mess and she swears like she's a trucker but it's apart of her charm. The producers need to stop fucking her around and finally upgrade her to a full-time position because she's been present way more than Deena this season and she's given us more than anyone else. I never thought I'd say this but the dirty little hamster and her trash bags have slowly become my favourite on this show.

As soon as she carried her bags into the club, Ron called it a night and she had to take them back downstairs. That would only ever happen to Angelina AKA the Danielle Staub of this show. Once they returned to the house Snooki passed out in a drunken rage and Angelina called her fiance at 4.21am in the morning and he wasn't in the bed mood. Probably because it was 4.21am in the morning. The producers and Ronnie tried to make it seem like their relationship is in danger and they're always fighting but I dare you to call someone at 4.21 in the morning and see how they react. No, Angelina and Chris' relationship is the best but it isn't the worst in the crew. Ronnie's baby mama has murdering tendencies, JWOWW just filed for divorce and I'm still recovering from Jionni treating Snooki like a piece of shit on the Italy trip, so no one can judge.

The next morning Vinny and Mike showed up to join the party and as the most expendable cast members, they didn't bring a lot to the table. Mike just ate and watched the meatballs backflip into the pool while Vinny continued his weird sexual relationship with Angelina. I need Vinny and Angelina to fuck. That's not a funny joke, I literally want him to stick his (allegedly) big dick inside her Staten Island drain pipe so that their annoying relationship comes to an end. Vinny is an asshole to her but it's obviously because he wants to be playing with her asshole. And I don't think Chris would mind if they fucked, judging by the Atlantic City trip he'd probably tag team Angelina with Vinny. That dirty Staten Island sandwich needs to happen and I won't be satisfied until it does. This Angelina beef is the only thing going for Vinny right now and I'd like him 100% more if he had a Staten Island threesome with her and her fiance. It would be kinda hot in a dirty way, not gonna lie.

Everybody thinks Angelina has a crush on Vinny because she can't finish a sentence without bringing him up. Do I think she masturbated to him a few too many times? Yes. Has she probably yelled Vinny's name while Chris is ploughing into her Staten Island drain pipe? Fuck Yes. But is she the only with the inappropriate crush? Hell no. I think Vinny's nutted to her just as much as she has to him and now they just need to nut inside each other to finally end the fuckery we've been witnessing for the entire season.

Finally, after a day of sexual tension and food, Jenni showed up and the gang went out to dinner at a family orientated steakhouse where Snooki got drunk and started eating asparagus. The spiral squad on night two consisted solely of Snooki and her alter ego Dren, which is news to me. I don't know if my memory is worse than Ronnie's decision-making skills but I can't ever remember them calling Snooki Dren. I thought Snooki was the alter ego to Nicole, I didn't know the alter ego got her own alter ego. It's like I don't even know who the fuck Nicole "Snooki" "Dren" Polizzi is anymore. In her rampage, she started stuttering aimlessly and throwing broccoli around the restaurant while she danced in front of the fellow dinners and I've got to say, it looked like a fun time. I wish I was drunk with Snooki because she's the type of party girl I need in my life.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

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