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Married To Medicine Recap: Breast Frenemies

I am fucking exhausted.

This is my THIRD recap of the day behind KUWTK and RHOA and needless to say I am in need of some alcohol. I'm thankful Bravo is moving Married To Medicine to a different day of the week because it relieves the heavy Sunday load, however, did that day have to be Saturday? These medical mistresses have been delivering for two seasons straight and are much more entertaining than the other Atlanta show that is stealing their time slot. I understand Bravo want to expand their programming to seven nights a week but was THIS the show they needed to put in the Ugly Betty death slot? It's an insult to how much these ladies are bringing it and the only things people want to watch on a Saturday night are House Hunters, romcoms and porn. Bravo, be better!

Vacations are always the best part of any reality show, especially Married To Medicine, it takes the cast members out of their natural habit and dumps them in a tropical paradise where they have to live in close quarters full of humidity, mosquitoes and alcohol culminating in over the top drama that they'll have to continue to deal with when they get back to their normal lives. It refuels the season and makes sure we aren't stuck watching The Golden Girls. This show's vacations are always great because the men tag along and have to undergo couples therapy on a beach every year which delves into the depths of their fucked up relationships and allows us to make informed bets on which couple will probably be the next to file for divorce. Couples therapy in exotic locales on this show is the equivalent to the Berkshires on New York. It's exquisite television.

Right before the couples trip to Antigua an article dropped saying Quad stole all the furniture out of her house with Dr Greg. So? Who cares? Quad moved her things out of the home and Greg was salty. Next. Even if she did "steal" things that belonged to Greg, he cheated and acted like a fucking idiot after she tried so hard to fix it, so as far as I'm concerned Quad is more than entitled to take anything out of that house. People (Toya) said Quad shouldn't have moved out of the marital home but her new townhouse is a major upgrade. It's modern with high ceilings, ample bedrooms and an amazing kitchen. Although Quad is going through a hard time with a divorce this is probably her luckiest year yet because she got her own talk show, a brand new pad and said goodbye to her pinky dick husband. So long farewell to Greg Lunceford and his squeaky voice.

This trip was already a mess before the cast even stepped on the plane. Simone and Mariah were talking shit about how Quad ditched the Black Love party due to her divorce but still opted to go on the couples' trip. This is what I hate about reality TV and that fucking fourth wall. There's no way Quad WANTED to travel overseas as a newly single woman with a bunch of couples full of nosy bitches who don't like her, but what Quad did want was a check and if she missed the trip she would've missed out on so much coin. There's no way Quad was letting that happen. The same thing applies to CONE-Tessa. Ugh. You're telling me you were on bed rest for the better half of the season acting like a depressed shut-in but you're allowed to travel to a different country, no problems? Give me a break Cone. Jackie was also in a wheelchair due to some kind of exercise injury which just proves why one should never exercise.

Once the couples arrived in Antigua they were ushered onto an air-conditioned bus with booze, which is the only way you should ever be welcomed into another country. Toya knows how to have a fun time and she definitely needs to plan any and all cast trips in the future. Take notes, Heavenly. Eugene tried to be messy towards Quad on the bus which forced her to reveal to the group that she saw Dr Greg dancing in a club with another woman. Zipper to zipper. Dick to cunt. According to Quad she only happened to be in the club because she was picking something up from a friend. The only thing tyou pick up from someone in the club is ecstasy, so unless Quad wanted to have a GOOD time, I think it's pretty safe to assume her friend called her down there to spy on Dr Greg. Pinky Dick's zipper bitch in the club definitely seems like a side piece who got upgraded to the main meal, so he has no right to complain about the divorce in any shape or form.

The accommodation was beautiful, good job Toya (production) I'm very proud of you and your googling skills. The villas were very modern and overlooked the ocean which is definitely the best place this group have stayed because their budget hotel track record is tragic. Everyone went crazy trying to pick their rooms and it was like seeing little kids running around at Chuckie Cheese except with grown people literally fucking on beds to mark their territory. Toya and Eugene looked like they were ready to shoot porn in order to get the master suite.

After the mishegas, the girls were looking at crabs off camera and Toya jumped back from a panic and flicked CONE-Tessa's new boob with her hand and of course, Cone, who's always on the lookout for another storyline to secure her spot on the show, speculated that it could've been done on purpose. No. No way Cone. Nope. You can't sit in bed all season and then try and attack Toya for a complete accident.

That's fucking disgusting to suggest Toya would hit your tit on purpose after you've had a double mastectomy, especially when it was just a reaction from seeing a fucking crab. Why would you put that out in front of reality TV cameras for the world to see? CONE-Tessa's kids have done more damage by climbing all over her like a jungle gym in each episode so she can't come for Toya. As a result of the tit flick, Cone stayed back at the villa, which was a relief because we didn't have to deal with her complain through another scene on the show. If Toya briefly flicked her boob it's not like it's going to pop the silicon sack, so CONE-Tessa needs to calm down and if Toya was really trying to hurt her she would've left some serious scratches and remnants of weave all over the floor. The real offence isn't Toya potentially hurting her new boob, it's the fact that Cone went in for surgery and came out with her same small boobs. It was her chance to get an upgrade but she stayed with a sad little B cup. That's the real issue.

Naturally, the group told Toya about CONE-Tessa's allegation which made her burst into tears and honestly that's probably the only way to respond in a time like that. That's just utterly insulting to think Toya would plot and scheme to hurt you in a place where you just had a serious surgery and Toya may be a messy bitch, but she's not evil. After her cry, the group arrived at dinner which started out beautifully with each couple exchanging gifts but as soon as those bitches got their jewellery all hell broke loose. It was a nice five minutes though.

Somehow Toya forgot Greg had cheated on Quad which pissed her off and instead of trying to remedy the situation Toya just threw out the fact how Quad (allegedly) stole the furniture from the house. What the fuck? TOYA! I love her messy ways but how did she think that wasn't going to cause problems? From that Mariah was having a nice moment with Quad saying the group want to know what's happening with her which made Heavenly butt in saying Quad's divorce is no one's business except Quad's. Mariah and Heavenly will fight over anything, even Quad. I love their feud because they're the best shade throwers on this entire show and all one of them has to do is breathe in the other's direction and they'll start bringing out all the ammunition they have against the other. It's truly magical.

Instead of ignoring each other there was lots of bitch calling, Heavenly threw out a Yo Mama, Mariah literally smashed the flute off a wine glass like she was ready to tussle in the hood and Heavenly threw a chair in all the rage. How did we get to this place in 54 seconds? And why the fuck did Mariah smash a wine glass? Was she gonna stab the bitch? I know Mariah needed to get her full-time position back but did she really want to make the bitch bleed? What the fuck was going through her brain? That was probably the most gangster moment in any show I've ever seen, even The Sopranos, and I have 101 questions about it. Heavenly throwing a chair was a great moment too. These girls are just good at playing the reality TV game and you know it's been a successful dinner when it ends with one woman creating a weapon out of glassware and dentist being held back from a physical fight.

Married To Medicine airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these medicial miracles!

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