RHOD Recap: Eskimo's Vagina
Cast trips are always the best part of any Housewives season and this year's vacation to Copenhagen was the Octomom of Housewives episodes, it delivered on all cylinders. We started off with all the women on their bus to the hotel where Kameron was mixing Xanax and booze. The Nicole Kidman lookalike was finally the fun Housewife we needed her to be two seasons ago, so the producers need to start pumping sleeping pills and vodka into her blood before filming to keep Fun Kameron alive. Hearing the pink obsessed, upper-class blonde girl say "Hey Hoe" repeatedly was one of the best things to ever happen on this franchise and I hope it spawns another Housewife song. Dallas needs a popstar in the cast.
The Copenhagen hotel was weird, it looked like a 20 something's loft apartment in downtown LA with a weird bedroom in each penthouse suite which had no roof so everyone could look in. It was like the hole in Silence Of The Lambs and I sympathised with LeeAnne and Stephanie who couldn't masturbate in peace. Housewives trips are stressful, they should at least be able to flick their beans in private to relieve the stress. Also, those stairs were like Scandinavian lego blocks and definitely weren't safe for a gaggle of drunk women, someone's gonna break an ankle. Copenhagen is weird. Sorry to any Danish readers it looked beautiful, however, it also reminded me of an Eskimo's vagina it's cold and probably smells like fish. If you're a loyal Good Tea reader you know how I feel about Housewives vacationing in cold locales, however, these ladies brought it regardless of the climate.
After Kam took three hours to unpack her OCD pink luggage, the ladies headed down to the Copenhagen restaurant with weird Danish food and alcohol no one wanted to ingest. Don't they have normal steakhouses in Denmark instead of fancy seafood? Due to Mama Dee creating fake tea that LeeAnne had called Brandi an alcoholic, the resident redhead came up with a plan to get shit faced at dinner so that LeeAnne would say it to her face. Why the fuck would LeeAnne decide to start a fight with a drunk Brandi by calling her an alcoholic at the dinner table? That plan was doomed from the beginning, even Stephanie thought it was a bad idea and I'm proud of her from finally waking up from Brandi's spell.
I may not like the shit stirring ex-cheerleader but we can relate on one thing: drinking. Seeing her friends hold her back from consuming any more alcohol really is literally me anytime I decide to have one drink or 40, so I respect her liver because I know the struggle, but I don't respect her as a human being. Of course, the topic of D'Andra not attending LeeAnne's wedding dress day was brought up which indirectly caused Kameron and D'Andra to start fighting about their issues. I'm not even sure what the issue is, D'Andra claims she doesn't care what anyone says about her so why is she so aggressive about Kameron's mother-in-law saying people are talking about her. I'm confused. D'Andra took Mama Dee's advice and ran with it because she bit Kam's head off like it was a piece of bread.
I understand D'Andra needed her on camera moment but she was more aggressive than a dog on heat. The Kameron and D'Andra fight was actually comedy gold. Kam kept pushing her buttons by asking questions and commenting in the background in a very passive-aggressive way which would've annoyed anyone in a conversation with her but it was fucking hilarious to watch. I finally understand Kam and she's so unintentionally funny. She'd say a little passive aggressive dig and D'Andra would reach across the table and reply like a savage pit bull while Drunk Brandi just swayed in the middle with her squinty eyes. D'Andra was literally reaching, physically and metaphorically in this fight and I loved it. I'm not even sure what they were fighting about but I am #TeamKameron because D'Andra needs to chill the fuck out and put a face mask on this season. She's way too much.
After a hilarious sparring match, Kameron ended the conversation by saying "It's a slippery slope from a butt plug to a butt dart" and walked away. She just won this season with that comment. It was perfect because she said it with the conviction of a CNN anchor reporting world events and then walked away from the table like a queen. That wasn't even half of it. Then both women wound up both waiting for the elevator where Kam walked off again calling her "absolutely disgusting" which created another fight in this narrow Copenhagen hallway. It was literally the fight that would never end. D'Andra got in the elevator and they kept fighting through the elevator door that wouldn't fucking close. I'm not even sure what they are fighting about at this point but seeing Kameron and D'Andra scream at each other through an erratic elevator door with so much determination was perfection. There were so many layers.
Somehow Kameron started crying and once all the ladies got upstairs the conversation kept going. It was like cockroach of Housewives fights. D'Andra was just looking for a fight to get her moment on a reality show and her two fights of the night with LeeAnne and Kameron both started when she was actually having a conversation with the other one. While Kam and D'Andra continued to fight about Kam's mother-in-law (I think) LeeAnne started to pipe in which caused D'Andra to push her, LeeAnne stood up and was seconds away from clocking her in the face but Cary was holding onto her arm. Really bitch?
We almost had a physical fight and Cary's boring ass is the one who prevented it? I'm proud of all the work LeeAnne and her bowl have done to stay calm, however, D'Andra has been an aggressive brat all season who deserves to be punched right in her Hard Night Good Morning mug. D'Andra was looking to get the old LeeAnne back all season and after months of poking and prodding, she finally got a visit from her, except with less blush. If LeeAnne had actuallly touched her everyone would've carried on about it for three more seasons but D'Andra can literally poke the bear and have everyone forget about it? I hate double standards more than I hate kids on Bravo.
This night just didn't end. Following the fight, LeeAnne went down into her Silence Of The Lambs bedroom and delivered her iconic monologue stating: "I'm exhausted. My weave is exhausted. The pantyliner on my underwear is exhausted." First of all, I'm not surprised her weave is tired because there is a lot of hair on that woman's head and secondly, how heavy is this bitch's flow? LeeAnne's monologue was a piece of magic Shakespeare wishes he could've written and her doing it from the hole only deepened its delivery. The exhausted monologue of 2018 basically ended the iconic night but Drunk Brandi was still looking for a moment from LeeAnne which luckily didn't happen because Steph dragged her away. Even Stephanie is seeing through Brandi's bullshit and that's when you know Brandi Redmond sucks.
Nothing can top day one of the Copenhagen trip. This trip has been pretty stagnant for the most part and the producers definitely forced these bitches to step up their game if they wanted to stay on TV and that's exactly what they did. The next day D'Andra and Cary went to a cooking class while the rest of the girls got drunk at a brewery. Who the fuck wants to cook on vacation? Girls trips are for drinking, especially if there are reality TV cameras present and who doesn't love day drinking? Day drinking is the best kind of drinking one can do, just ask the alcoholics in the group. LeeAnne started crying because she was annoyed her amygdala was acting up the night before but honestly, she should've just picked D'Andra and Brandi up by their weaves and started swinging them around because they are the worst - and it would've been great TV.
For night two the ladies went to Cary's cousin's album launch which took place in a back alleyway. It was very hipster and alternative and made me question if everyone in Copenhagen is stuck in the 1970s but with futuristic technology. The album launch didn't feel very official, just the cousin standing on stage with her knotty hair and a keyboard singing in a different language. I think the song was good but it was also in Danish so it could've been about anal beads and we wouldn't have known. Cary made plans to meet up with her cousins again but she probably lost their number the moment she walked out of their hipster den.
After the "album launch" at the hotel Brandi finally confronted LeeAnne about calling her an alcoholic. LeeAnne and her hands never told Mama Dee Brandi was an alcoholic but she said it to Cary and it's the general conversation that's been going around. Brandi tried to attach a sob story to LeeAnne calling her an alcoholic because she's trying to adopt a baby but that is a reach. Brandi probably squirted when she heard the Mouth of the South had made the allegation because it meant she had another thing to hold over her head and use against her for the rest of the season for storyline purposes. Brandi hates LeeAnne and being called an alcoholic just helps her case against her. I don't think Brandi is an alcoholic and LeeAnne doesn't either but she does drink A LOT which was supported through flashbacks which showed her drunk at nearly every event she's been at with LeeAnne. Miss Locken said it best, Brandi's not sophisticated enough to be an alcoholic, she's just a drunk.
I know this is a big call but this episode was probably in the top ten of Housewives history. It had everything! There were numerous fights which almost turned physical, humour, an exotic location, crying, an iconic monologue from LeeAnne, way too much alcohol, Brandi swaying and that erratic elevator moment. It's going to be hard for these Dallas girls to top it if there's a next season.
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