Jersey Shore Recap: Guido Mood Ring
Somehow Angelina and Vinny are still hate fuck fighting. How is this still happening? He either needs to shove his Italian sausage into her Staten Island drain pipe or just not acknowledge her existence because this the most extensive foreplay I've ever seen. As much as this Staten Island sandwich is a love story for an ages, I don't know if we can sit through anymore episodes of this feud because it's more stagnant than Ronnie's career. They're Romeo and Juliet except if Juliet swore like a truck driver and Romeo was a butt plug for his best friend, however, I see them having the same fate except it will be a murder-suicide at the hands of Vinny.
This is the most Vinny has ever been involved in the show so he should really thank Angelina because he's never been more relevant. Everybody has had their fair share of drama so it's only right that Vinny has to deal with a sexually frustrated dirty little hamster after his last decade on reality TV has been a cakewalk. Angelina may be my new favourite this season, however, seeing her do a cartwheel in cat ears and leopard print was not something I needed. Who knew the Staten Island Dump could fling herself into the air? Now I know why Chris stays.
Due to this show being, Jersey Shore, everyone decided to go day drinking while The Situation got himself into a situation of trying to eat a ten-pound burger in under ten minutes. Is that humanly possible? No. Did Mike and his food addiction attempt it anyway? Fuck yes. It was like watching someone eat a physical heart attack filled with cheese, fried goodness, saturated fat, grease and despair. I could smell the oil from my living room. The only person on this cast or possibly the world who could eat it is Mike because he eats as if he's a depressed teenage girl binging in her bedroom on prom night after no one asked her to go with them. Mike traded drugs and alcohol in for food and if you're going to commit to doing something, you may as well attempt to eat a ten-pound burger.
Of course, Mike did not finish the burger in ten minutes because it's an impossible task. Not even Mama June or Old Khloe Kardashian could put that bad boy away but Mike didn't even give it his best shot. He was enjoying the food like a food critic when he should've been shoving it down there and not thinking twice. After his meal, the spiral squad: Ronnie, Angelina and Snooki all did what they came to do, spiral, while the rest of the group watched judging from a far. I'm sorry, no one is tuning in to watch Vinny talk shit about his roommates getting drunk, we are watching to see meatballs chug vodka and run around like Oompa Loompas, so Vinny G needs to take several seats.
Whilst spiralling, the Dirty Little Hamster introduced the group to her friend named Jewish Barbie, I don't know her real name and I don't even know if she has a real name, for all we know Jewish Barbie could be on her birth certificate. Jewish Barbie looked exactly how she sounds, a Jewish Barbie but not Barbara Streisand Jewish, maybe after a nose job and some severe contouring but she was a beautiful girl. All the boys fought over who was going to smush JB but decided to go back to their Jersey compound and regroup with the ethnic wannabe Mattel doll later on in the night. Back at the house, Mike had to call his fiance and break the news he cheated. On his diet. She was mad because of their upcoming wedding but The Situation is going to prison in a few months so Lauren shouldn't be mad.
Mike has his own built-in prison diet and it's genius. He can spend months eating whatever he wants, living his best life, and eating burgers the way he ate pussy in 2009, then he can report to federal prison, live off a diet of rice and beans while spending eight months working out and getting his abs back. It's the perfect plan, he should've committed fraud years ago. Mike is set to report to prison in January, so I hope he and Joe Giudice have a few months together in the same prison before Juicy Joe gets deported back to Italy. Maybe they can trade secrets on how to defraud the government and lose weight in prison?
Snooki threw up which is an uncommon occurrence. Snooki is an Olympian drinker, that's like Usain Bolt falling over or Lance Armstrong's tire popping. For the amount that 4'6 meatball drinks she surprisingly doesn't vomit and can go hard without having to hug the toilet bowl, which led her to believe throwing up meant she was pregnant and not the result of day drinking for four days straight. Um. No one who ever does a pregnancy test on TV is ever actually pregnant. Ever. However, before she went back to the club and continued to destroy her liver, Snooki decided to get a pregnancy test to determine whether or not she would give the baby permanent brain damage from doing shots. Surprise, surprise. Nicole wasn't pregnant and proceeded to get drunk at the club. I know Snooki wants another child but we can't afford her to miss out on another vacation. AC was rough without her and Deena may be able to take a season off, but not Snooki.
Ronnie's hair is a mood ring for the current state of the show. If it's combed back and nice, things are pleasant and looking up. When Ron's hair is dishevelled, messy and lacking any of the excess gel he applied the night before, you know he's having PTSD flashbacks to being dragged with a car. The night out of course started with Jen rage texting Ronnie with photos of Sammi and her boyfriend saying she wants to be that happy with someone else. Then do that Tater Tot. Move to another townhouse in Vegas, leave Ronnie alone and finally be happy. This girl is psycho and taunting him with their baby. Surely her pussy can't be that good to put up with this mess because she looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. I'm over this storyline. She's crazy, Ronnie feeds into her crazy and brings down the energy of the house. Full stop.
While Jen was texting Ron like a crazy bitch trying to ruin his night, Jewish Barbie remerged at the club and was flirting with anyone with a penis. JB definitely wanted some Jersey Shore dick and she had a buffet of Guido cocks to choose from. According to her, she'd marry Pauly, fuck Ronnie and kill Mike, which is definitely a fuck you to Vinny and his Italian sausage. JB's eyes lit up when she heard Ronnie may or may not be single and it was in that moment that the Jewish Barbie of Staten Island knew Ronnie Ortiz-Magro was going to be inside her that night.
They rode home in the cab together which is Stage 1 in Ron's IFF procedure. Does Ronnie not know who the mother of his child is? He has a daughter with a crazy bitch and his flirting with a girl on a reality show which will air 189 countries. Does it not compute to him what the consequences could be? Does he like the feeling of road rash? I'm confused. I appreciate his terrible decision-making skills because it's great TV but I don't know how someone can be that dumb.
Ron could be hypnotised by any and all pussy. A girl just has to sit him down in front of it and his eyes will start going in circles while he slowly repeats back everything she's telling him. Stage 2 of his IFF plan is to take his victim into a hot tub. Girls in hot tubs with Ronnie is like a drug addict in a pool of heroin, it's not going to end well. They stayed in the hot tub for ages while the entire squad spied on the balcony upstairs and talked shit while they saw their friend fucking himself harder than a pornstar sitting on a ten-inch dildo.
Honestly, Ron can't be saved at this point so they may as well sit back, watch him ruin his life and give their show amazing ratings. Mrs Taters texted JWOWW because Ronnie wasn't replying which made me realise, when the fuck were they allowed phones? I thought the duck phone was their only form of communication but I guess MTV made expectations for them to get in touch with crazy bitches. Little Miss Tater Tot is not going to happy when she watches this episode and I think we can expect another Instagram story breakdown very soon.
After the cab ride and hot tub conversation, Stage 3 of Ronnie's IFF plan is to take his THOT of choice on a tour, let them use one of his t-shirts and sleep in his bed. I hope Ron fucks her because he's done everything else to cheat, he may as well finish the deal and make his next road rash worth the pain. It escapes me how someone can be so stupid and not realise the consequences of their actions that his crazy baby mama is 1000% going to see but I guess he was dropped one too many times on his head as a baby. Oh, and the coke he was on was probably some good shit. Tater Tot dragged him with a car because it was a Tuesday, what does he think will happen when he's fucking a girl on international TV? The gravedigger better start digging him an extra large grave because this is not going to end well.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!