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RHOA Recap: Life Twirls On

Although I still miss the presence of Kenya Moore on the show, I actually mildly enjoyed this episode. For some reason, Bravo decided to replace Kenya and Sheree who were always sources of drama with a thirsty former model and a random RnB singer who thinks she's Beyonce and looks like a frog. I've accepted the fact that the show will never be the same as when Kenya was being messier than the floor of college dorm room so I'm forcing myself to enjoy what the new Atlanta has on display.

Work out scenes are the worst, so seeing Eva and Porsha start the episode jumping around and complaining about losing weight they don't need to lose was tragic. All we got from this scene was eye candy from the trainer and Eva claiming to be a model. Apparently, Eva can't have a butt because she's a model but this isn't 2005 and somebody has to break the news to her that that's no longer her job. She may have walked on a few catwalks and had endorsement deals but she is 33-years-old with two children, her modelling days are behind her. What does she model these days? We have to constantly hear her talk about being a model but we haven't seen her model shit, she's a politician's trophy wife and if she shades 51 Cynt's modelling in her confessionals one more time I'm going to make her Shade of the Week because she should either say it to her face and give us something to watch or shut the fuck up and take several seats.

Maybe I enjoyed this episode because we finally had less Porsha? They are TRYING to make Porsha happen this season and without her trying to be extra for the cameras with sound effects and overreactions in every scene the show was mildly enjoyable. While they've been pushing Porsha to the front, Cynthia has been completely lost in the background and I have no idea how she's still a Housewife let alone on the show. I enjoy 51 Cynt but I can't believe out of all the stars this show has seen that Cynthia Bailey outlasted Phaedra, Sheree, Kenya and even Claudia to an extent. The only things she's given us this season is an awkward FaceTime session with her boyfriend and a scene where she was drinking wine with frozen grapes.

Porsha may not have had as much camera time in this episode which is probably because the producers gave it all to Shamari. Obviously, we were only just introduced to this girl but based on first impressions I am not a fan, she is trying hard to keep her peach and she is doing way too much for the cameras. Shamari is on an eleven and I'm going to need her to take it down to a three. She looks like a frog, has two small children and is married to a guy from New Edition who she had to remind us was a legend 789 times in the space of one scene. Michael Jackson, Madonna and Cher are legends, I'm not taking away from her husband's accomplishments in music but he does not qualify to be referred to as a legend because we heard his vocal cords without auto tune and it was not on that level. Her husband Ronnie does not look well and you can tell he partied HARD when he was famous in the 90s. I feel like Shamari was cast on the wrong show, this couple should be on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta because they are too hood for this group and have the vintage RnB connection. The Atlanta Housewives are all a little boughetto but Shamari and Ronnie are just ghetto.

There's nothing interesting about Shamari and she was definitely doing the most to try and be relevant, maybe she'll settle down as the season goes on but I am not here for her. I've never heard of her music group, she is way too extra and seeing her sing in the booth just gave me flashbacks to Kim Zolciak trying to sing Tightrope. Shamari was a good singer but the last time we saw someone in a singing booth on this show was probably Wig and anyone who reminds me of that ignorant trick isn't great. All the ladies had to go watch her perform in a park while wearing a gold bra and it was tough to see, her singing and dancing were great but she thinks she is Beyonce and the only person who was allowed to delusionally compare themselves to Beyonce on this show is Kenya. I'm not sold on Shamari and she definitely belongs on VH1.

After she performed in a park, she met all the ladies and her husband decided to give Kandi some "pointers" on how to perform. Um. Kandi Fucking Burruss is the only one on this show with a Grammy, is continuing to make coin from her musical abilities and he was only the opening act for her so Ronnie was obviously trying to look for a moment on the show by coming for Kandi. It was so odd and the DeVoe's definitely planned the entire attack in their mirror before the event. Kandi was Shamari's entrance into the group because Kandi wrote a song for her years ago but doesn't even follow her on social media. They obviously aren't friends but I guess this is the best job Bravo could do. Shamari also went to high school with Porsha which explains a lot, I hope she starts drama and stirs the pot so that she serves some kind of purpose on the show. Eva also said something odd about Shamea not being black with a Q like Shamari. It didn't make any sense and Eva shading people behind their backs is getting older than her modelling career.

The highlight of the episode for me was seeing Kandi have Porsha in her phone as Porsha Williams-Stewart. She has been divorced for almost the entire time we've known her and I love the shade of Kandi not changing her name back and also not even having the right number because her FaceTime went through to a weird chubby white guy who must have Porsha's old phone number. Kandi tried staying out of Porsha's relationship for about two episodes before she talked shit about Dennis on camera with the assistant that Porsha beat up but still somehow managed to keep her peach and get more camera time. I'm proud of Kandi for bringing her messy side out because we need something to watch this season and it's real. People do talk about tea they've heard about their frenemy's boyfriends and I'm glad she didn't reframe from doing it in front of the cameras. It may have been messy but we aren't watching this show to see everyone get along.

The producers gave us a beautiful juxtaposition of Porsha obsessing over her Hot Dog King boyfriend to her mother while Kandi talked about what he's really been up to. The editors are so messy and I am more than here for it. Porsha and her two brain cells are floating on air about her new relationship with a guy who has a sketchy business and even sketchier track record with pussy. Apparently, he is a chef and cooks for her all the time but if that's the case why is he always hanging out at OLG? Can't he cook his own food? And since when did owning a hot dog company make you a chef? Kandi is opening a second OLG location so her former worker Carmen who Mama Joyce threw a shoe at went there to help with the insurance and Porsha's battered and bruised ex-assistant was there to help with marketing, but all we saw them talk about was Porsha's new man.

Apparently, Dennis has bought heaps of girls Rolexes, has tattoos of several girls names AND faces and may or may not have been dating someone else when he started dating Porsha. There's a lot of confusing overlapping happening at the moment and he's definitely a player who falls hard for girls and goes through them like underwear. After having at least two other girls names and faces on his body, Porsha and her underboob sweat also told her mother that Dennis is doing the same with her. How many faces can one man have on his body? Porsha is clueless and Kandi better speak up with her tea to make something happen on this show. Seeing them flip back and forth from Porsha being in love to Kandi calling bullshit on everything she was saying was hilarious and now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop because no one can be this in love on a reality show without finding out that everything is a lie. Just ask Countess Luann!

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.

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