Jersey Shore Recap: Pound Cake
Out of respect for everybody's favourite GTL fanatics and in honour of Jerzdays, I decided to get drunk and fell asleep before I could get around to writing this recap and give you guys the shade and snark you visit Good Tea for. Naturally, I woke up this morning with a hangover and a recap to write, so let's get into the mess.
This season is neverending. Although the Manaplan house is probably the most grownup house these roommates have ever lived in, it feels like they've been there for thirty-three years. There's only so many fights between Vinny and Angelina I can watch and although this show is exceptional TV I watch week after week, I don't know much longer this can go on. We began with Ronnie showering and realising nothing good can come from entering Jewish Barbie, so after he sobered up and had a vision about the car Jen would drag him with after seeing him in the hot tub with another girl, he went outside to smoke.
We've already established Ronnie's hair to be the Guido Mood Ring and for most of this episode, his hair was in full disarray which means we are in for an amazing shit show. On one hand, I'm glad he had the foresight not to fuck Jewish Barbie because he didn't want to be dragged with another moving vehicle, however, if even Ronnie is starting to grow up what the fuck are we going to watch? I guess the only immature fuckwit we have left is Angelina but even she is smart enough not to cheat on TV. Well, scratch that. If Vinny crawled into her bed one night and offered up his Italian sausage I'm sure she'd take the pounding Chris can't give her.
My favourite part of this entire episode and maybe the series, in general, was seeing Angelina graphically describe the decline of her sex life. She talked about how he hasn't touched her new boobs, she has had for six months and has only ploughed her the way she wants to be ploughed once in their relationship. According to the Dirty Little Hamster herself, Chris fucked her so hard the first time they had sex she couldn't walk straight for a week and had a sore vagina but ever since then she just climbs on top and he cums too quickly. That's not fair. He gave her an amazing experience and a life full of vagina pain to look forward to and never followed through, but she was dumb enough to say yes to getting engaged.
I don't know why but I actually like Chris. He seemed nice and grounded with an aggressive Staten Island voice which would make your panties wet and I thought he would know how to fuck the shit out of bitches, but we now obviously know that is not the case. Can he go to therapy over this issue and discover why he's no longer able to pound his fiancee's vagina the way he once could? And can we please see it on the show next season because that would be better TV than seeing Ronnie sleep for an entire episode. As much as I like Chris I don't see this relationship working out. They fight too much, the sex isn't great and she is trying to get dick off anyone else at the Jersey Shore. She loves whenever Pauly, Vinny or anybody else with a penis give her any kind of attention which is sad because she obviously isn't getting that at home.
Apart from Ronnie and his dishevelled hair sleeping for a 24 hour period and Snooki and Mike arguing over Taylor Ham AKA Pork Roll, the roommates hatched a plan to kidnap pregnant Deena and bring her to the shore house. A pregnant roommate who can't drink isn't going to add that much to this show but I guess everybody needs a storyline and Deena definitely needed the check. With their pantyhose covering their faces and deli meat staged at the front of Deena's house to provide a distraction, everybody barged into the back of her house and scared the pregnant meatball.
I don't know if scared is the right term considering there was a full camera crew already filming in her living room but I'll play along. The operation was carried out by everyone while Ron stayed back to drool on his pillow. While he is a very selfish roommate and an energy-sucking source in the house, I'm not surprised he had to sleep the whole day considering he hadn't slept because Jewish Barbie was in his bed.
Speaking of Ronnie, he fucking sucks. Before he entered his slumber, he declared he and Jen were now officially broken up after she sent him photos of Sammi Sweetheart and her boyfriend as a way to taunt him. His single status will probably last for the same amount of time as his guy-lights did and I am so over this overly toxic relationship. Tater Tot is a sick bitch who has no boundaries and has him wrapped around her finger. When she wants to start some drama she texts him disgusting stuff but when she wants to go to Miami for a weekend, then she's on his dick. The entire situation is dumb because everybody has offered him so much advice but he's yet to take any of it. Everything about Ron on this show is wasted energy especially considering the couple are now allegedly pregnant.
It's bad enough they had to bring one baby into their toxic mess of a relationship but now they are going to give two children the front row seats to Instagram live fights, car dragging, dead dog allegations and who the fuck knows what else. It's sick, disturbing and tiring. Aren't they tired? Not to be weird but for somebody who parties as hard as Ron does, he has remarkably nice hands and feet, they're so manicured and nice, which you definitely wouldn't expect from Ronnie of anybody in this group. He's selfish, he goes into a hole and blocks everybody out but then plagues them with his bullshit drama and wastes their time asking for advice he's never going to take.
He's the worst roommate and the only good contribution he gave to this episode was his idea to move to California. Now, obviously he's still with Jen but even so, LA is a much more suitable location to raise a baby than Vegas. Having children in Sin City is like asking for them to become strippers with gambling addictions. Sorry to any Vegas natives out there but the odds are already stacked against these children by having Tater Tot as a mother and Ronpage Ronnie as a father, so adding Vegas into the equation is only going to fuck them up more. And who wants to live in Vegas anyway? The sad suburban outskirts are tragic because the desert weather is disgustingly hot and there's only a few tumbleweeds and pawnshops around.
In the end, Ron went out and fixed his messy hair and tried to somewhat get his life together. We've seen this redemption story play out so many times and it always ends with him being dragged with a car. I hope for the sake of Ronnie and his children this relationship finally become functional but praying for these two to be mature adults is like looking in the toilet and expecting not to find shit.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!