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Shahs Of Sunset Reunion Recap: Baby Boomers

We began the episode with Golnesa smoking a doobie in the carpark which is always a promising sign. GG gave us Locknessa in the first half of the reunion but after she got some green herbs her in she was zen and didn't involve herself in the group discussion. Although last time I thought Reza, MJ and Mike were just being assholes to GG because they wanted to stir her up for the reunion, now my views are completely flipped around.

GG's in a dark place due to her divorce and who knows what else in her life, so she's obviously using weed as a way to escape her pain and disconnect with reality. Shalom still won't sign the divorce papers and they were only married for seven weeks, she even beat Kim Kardashian in the short-lived reality TV marriage department. Everybody has their reasons and ways for needing an escape whether it's drinking to forget about your bad marriage, doing coke to forget about your stress at work or dropping a few molly pills on Friday night when you just can't be fucked dealing with anything. We all have our vices and our reasons to escape but after a certain amount of time, we have to deal with our bullshit because that's life and if you are getting high every day that's a problem.

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Yes, being high is a better feeling for Golnesa than being sober but having to deal with the drudgery of life makes the high better. We have to experience pain to appreciate happiness and getting high every day isn't the answer. If you had doughnuts every single day then the doughy goodness would be so mundane and redundant, that's why you need to eat beans and dried chicken to make you appreciate the sugary ecstasy that is a doughnut.

If GG wants to get baked to oblivion every day she can have that but she can't blame anyone else but herself when all her friends disappear. I love Golnesa and I've tended to see her side of things and sympathise with her but she doesn't seem happy and I'm sure that will be the main theme of the show next season. She announced she was going to be getting pregnant on her own very soon which seems like a good idea. I think? Maybe a baby will make her happier, I don't know, but being a single mother through IVF is definitely a great storyline and we can't sit through another season of her talking about Wusah.

Apparently, she's lowering her intake of marijuana so she can have a baby which seems smart but she's not going to stop completely while she's pregnant. I'm sure the doctor approved it and weed probably helps pregnancy according to weird scientific discoveries out there somewhere but it doesn't seem like the best idea to get high while you are growing another human being inside you. Does she really need to get high that bad? And what about when she has the baby? Is she going to light up whenever she can't deal with the stress of breastfeeding or cleaning up shit, vomit and whatever else comes out of a baby? I definitely think she needs a few more therapy sessions before her doctor gets a turkey baster and shoots a load up her.

When she finally returned to the couch she stood off stage acting like she was waiting for an elevator because she didn't want to sit inbetween Reza and Mike, which is a moment I'm sure will launch a thousand memes. For the rest of the episode, she sat on the end on the sofa disconnected from the fuckery that was going on around, there was no real resolution between her and the rest of the group and she just sat there so she could get her check and bounce. We also discovered her and Nema no longer have a relationship after she starting coming for him in group chats and saying she'd fuck him up the ass with his sister's hand, which I thought he would've liked, but obviously not. GG even managed to piss off her very own butt plug.

I don't know if their showmance was all for cameras but obviously something went down off screen we aren't being told. Maybe he tried to get him and his pencil dick in her pants when GG was baked? Or they fucked and it was bad? Or even worse, they fucked and it was good and GG didn't know how to handle it. We also didn't find out the root of their issue or see any kind of resolution between them. Nema claimed he only joined the show to reconnect with his Persian heritage and although I actually enjoyed him during this reunion I'm calling bullshit on that. I don't think he propositioned GG to keep his place on the show but I don't think it hurt. He wanted his dick wet and a Bravo paycheck. Two birds, one stone.

Speaking of baby fever, Adam isn't the only cast member who wants to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to have a child, MJ also announced she's expecting. I am so happy for Mercedes Mothering Fucking Javid. She's wanted a child for so long and it's the perfect time to be welcoming a baby into the world and the perfect storyline for season eight. Even Vida was happy about seeing the baby inside MJ's uterus and if Vida can be happy then we all should be, however, the precious moment only lasted about eighty-four seconds before she started talking shit about MJ's makeup. What is up with Vida and ruining all of MJ's big moments by talking about her makeup? If she wants a fake tan and a nice little cat wing, let her have it. It wouldn't be a life event if Vida didn't shit on it in some way, it's part of her charm. You can't have one without the other. It's like eating bacon without eggs or having sex without cumming. It's unnatural.

Apart from all the baby talk, Reza and Mike discussed their Vegas feud which was pointless and redundant because they got over their fight three seconds after it happened, so the only other point of substance in the episode was Mike "outing" Destiney. First of all, Mike didn't know what the term outing meant, claimed he was a huge advocate for the LGBT community and said he only talked shit about Destiney possibly enjoying pussy because he wanted to help her. Does Mike really believe his own bullshit because I don't think there's anyone else besides who mother who would be convinced of the lies he endlessly spills. If there's been one consistent theme of this season it's that Mike he is an asshole. He cheats, lies, somehow plays the victim when he's the one who fucked up and doesn't date girls because of their chipped nail polish. It's sad and although we obviously need one damaged asshole with an ego bigger than his salami nipples to drive the plot on this show, he's more annoying than Adam's pink jellybean.

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The real reason Mike claimed Destiney may or may not be a lesbian is that she doesn't want him. She doesn't want his dool entering any of her holes and hasn't dropped to her knees to service him and this translates to Mike's ego that she's either a crazy bitch or a raging lesbian. I'm sure Destiney would rather have a pussy to suck on 365 days a year than be pounded by Mike but that doesn't make her a lesbian. I'm sick of sexuality rumours floating around these reality shows and unless someone is going to speak out and admit to being a late in life homo with a rainbow flag and a WeHo apartment, then I'm not interested in hearing about it anymore.

They also addressed the age old debate of to circumcise or to not circumcise. Although I, like many of the Shahs prefer a circumcised dick, it took Andy and Reza, the two people on the set who have definitely had the most experience in this area to admit it depends on the dick and they're right.

Although the season wasn't great, this was a phenomenal reunion and one of the best I've seen this year. The Shahs are real friends which means there's always going to be some kind of issue bubbling to the surface and that's what makes this show so great. It's like a revolving door of bullshit, alcohol and fighting, it never gets old and although these Persians who are pushing fifty are only starting to grow up I can't wait till they're back on my screen. Until next time, Salamati!

Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!