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KUWTK Recap: Poke Her Face

Nothing has changed, this show still sucks blah blah blah, so let's get this recap over with.

Kim discovered Kanye was going to a fashion show for their friend in Paris by looking at his schedule, which naturally made her question whether or not to attend due to her PSTD from being tied up, put in a bathtub and robbed at gunpoint the last time she visited the city. I have so many questions. Is Kanye on the show now? Couldn't Kim tell he was going clinically insane from his haircut? And why the fuck did she find out her husband was going to the city where she was robbed through a schedule? She's his wife and call me crazy but I thought saying vows to each other made you a step finding out news like an assistant. And Kim was the one who brought up the topic, if she didn't ask him about it would he just not have told her?

Kimye's marriage and discussion skills weren't the only weird things about that scene. Their house is odd. It's hollow, plain, empty, way too white, very bleak and looks like a museum. It's where marble, neutral tones and emotion go to die. As ugly and unfeeling as their house looks, it definitely suits them as a couple. They don't really show emotion, they wear weird clothes in neutral colours and she goes along with any and everything he says. He dresses her, he probably designed the house and she just has to sit back in her Cher hair and smile because she wanted all her children to the same guy. Kim deserves better than this madman and the only reason they are still together is because divorcing a madman is much worse than being married to one. I don't imagine them having sex and if they do it probably just consists of Kim stroking his asshole with a feather.

They went to Paris together and nothing happened. Kim had anxiety but everything went off without an issue. They wore their weird, futuristic, expensive homeless clothes for Kanye's friend's show. That was it. There's not even anything to shade these two for because their outfits and overall behaviour do that for them. I can't imagine spending an extended period of time in a confined space with Kanye so I have no idea how Kim has been married to him for four years and had three children with him. He's the perfect match for her because he's probably the one person on this earth that's more conceded than she is and that's not shade because being in love with yourself is Kim's entire brand.

Kanye's "Slavery Was A Choice" breakdown is featured next week which is an incentive to watch, as well as it being the season finale because I am more than ready for this show to end. Thank you, Jesus, or whoever does the programming at E!

The episode also opened with Kim discussing how "everyone hates her" for calling Kourtney the least exciting to look at. This show is chasing its tail and it's hard to look at. So, they had a fight on the show and now they're on the show talking about getting hate for that fight. When is enough, enough? And what the fuck is up with this timeline? Did they just throw in the weird cold open at the beginning of the episode to try and gain some kind of publicity for this episode because the fight wasn't aired on TV until August and this season was filmed before May, so not only is their ability to make good TV off but so is this timeline.

Kourtney froze her eggs in this episode and got seven retrieved. There's really not much to say. Freezing your eggs is a smart thing to do, especially if you have the means to, because it's a great insurance policy to have children in the future. I really don't have anything bad to say but why do we need to see this on the show? If I have to see one more Kardashian on a table with a doctor lubing up their stomach I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic. I've seen enough members of this family in an OBYGN's office to last me a lifetime. Kourtney obviously isn't going to have children with her barely legal boo Younes because I think they may or maybe not be broken up? I don't know, that situation is hazy but even so, she doesn't need to procreate with a 24-year-old. Why does she need to have any more kids in general? She's pushing 40 and already has three, I honestly don't understand the need for more.

The final made-for-TV storyline of this episode was their poker tournament. Kris' friend invited them to attend a cancer tournament to raise money for cancer, which is a great cause and they would all look like assholes if they didn't attend, however, nobody knew how to play poker so naturally, it gave them the perfect storyline to talk about for the entire episode while the producers added weird graphics and editing to try and give the show an Oceans 11 vibe. I appreciate the over the top editing this season to try and add some kind of comedic relief to this show but nothing can save us from the boring burger of shit this show has unfortunately become. Kim and Khloe got professional poker training while Kendall sulked on her horse because nobody told her about the training. Fuck. Doesn't she have a catwalk to walk on or something? Oh, that's right I forgot, she's selective about which shows she does.

Kendall Jenner sucks. She's the worst one on this show and all she does when she's on camera is complain about her anxiety and sulk about being left out of the group, no wonder they leave her out because she's so fucking annoying. She's not funny, entertaining or even controversial, she's just dull and I really would prefer it if she were a lesbian because at least she'd have something to make her a little more interesting. There are more people in this family than a small country so by the odds, there has to at least be one gay one and no, Caitlyn doesn't count. In the end, Kendall went the furthest in the poker tournament and I ended this episode with the overwhelming feeling of joy knowing that next week is the season finale. Thank fuck.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.

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