Vanderpump Rules Premiere Recap: Neptune's Net
There are few times where I'm as happy as when I hear the orgasmic Vanderpump Rules theme song which is always a sign my next hour will be full of a bunch of thirty somethings holding onto their last piece of youth through botox, jello shots and throwing frat parties on a Tuesday but there's no other way I'd rather spend an hour. Okay, that sounds sad but this show is the cream of Bravo's current crop and I couldn't be happier that it's finally back.
Fuck Christmas, the Vanderpump premiere day is the most wonderful time of the year. I get giddy, arrange my snacks, make my little nook on the couch and absorb the alcoholic fuckery this show enthuses like a sponge. We began this episode as we begin every season, with the SURvers turning up to "work" for the first time in six months, nobody really works here anymore but it's fun to make believe that the stars of one of the most watched reality shows in the country still wait tables to pay their bills. The thing I love about Vanderpump is that you don't have to wait for the show to get good, the Housewives normally take at least four episodes to heat up but there's something happening 365 days in the revolving door of bullshit that is these SURvers lives.
The gang's latest issue is DJ James Kennedy rapping about Jax and Faith in front of Brittany, which made her cry, run back to Jax and caused the serial cheater to send him caveman texts to fight in the SUR back alley. And they weren't even filming. That's more content than most of the Housewives give us in an entire season. On the first day of filming, Jax decided to confront the wannabe DJ during his infamous CUNT night but they just ended up bickering like schoolboys where James acted like the little bitch he is and Jax uninvited him from any summer events as if he was in Grease or something. There was no resolution and for once I think I'm finally on Jason Cauchi, I mean, Jax Taylor's side. Why did the White Kanye have to do this? What the fuck was the need? Everybody makes mistakes when they're drunk but can't he reserve his mistakes to waking up naked next to his gay friend instead of insulting his "friends" girlfriend?
After last season I almost developed a soft spot for James after getting a deeper look into why he's such a broken person, he was humble and somewhat sweet but now he's back to being the cocky twink we all know and hate. It only took three minutes of seeing the little bitch talking on my screen to remind me why I want to see anyone punch him in the face and his bird brain girlfriend isn't any better. Obviously, I would dig into Raquel and the brain she is missing but after seeing the trailer, I have a whole season to roast her and her attempts to try and climb the ranks of this show. I know she's a model but I've never seen someone have such a complete lack of basic intelligence, her brain is probably just an empty room with an almond and a sports bra in it. The entire cast is leading the charge against James' disgusting, mean and annoying behaviour and there's nothing I love more than an asshole going down in front of the public. Times Up bitch.
Something I love about premieres is seeing the rapid difference in everybody's faces from last season. Jaxis less of a sweaty hog and looks healthy, Brittany's eyebrows have had a little too much influence from Botox, Stassi's long golden hair is back, Lala is a brunette, Scheana has a new version of her face with wavy Cher hair and Schwartz still looks like a flaccid penis. Everybody looks great but as a general rule, they all need to calm down on the botox. Speaking of Botox, LVP returned to SUR with brand new teeth and a dead brother. Her only sibling passed away through suicide which is awful news and obviously foreshadows her boycotting half the next season of Beverly Hills Housewives. We all know how I feel about Lisa but hearing about her brother's death does make me more sympathetic to her cause, however, she is an executive producer on this show, so I bet that was her aim to do damage control before the new season.
Unfortunately, the producers still aren't giving Kristen any camera time because she's only around for group scenes where she has to scream to be heard, however, they did show us her getting her ear pierced like a piece of spaghetti which I can appreciate. To give you an update on everyone in the group: Lala can officially say her boyfriend's name so I guess the NDA is up, TomTom is still not open and the Toms are more unorganised than a hoarder's basement, Scheana's flirting with customers, Katie vacuumed her floor and Stassi has a new boyfriend.
I've been a part of this relationship through Instagram Live and her podcast for months but I'm so happy to finally see Stassi's boyfriend Beau on the show. He's funny, out there, eccentric, down to earth, has more tattoos than Jax has sexual partners and is the best boyfriend Stassi has ever had. Beau keeps her grounded because their relationship is evenly balanced, she doesn't railroad him like she did Jax and he doesn't control her as Patrick did, they are both allowed to be themselves and keep each other in check. I love their relationship and Bravo needs to give him a peach or whatever they hold to be a full-time status on this show because they've already become my favourite couple, which isn't hard and I'm sure after four episodes we'll see the dysfunction of their relationship come to light.
Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this episode I want to touch on the Toms tired scene. I am so fucking sick of hearing about this fucking restaurant that still is not complete, LVP obviously wanted to create the restaurant on her own and slap the Toms name on it to make money off their backs. She never had the intention of doing anything with them and I'd rather not have her waste our time by having "meetings" with them about creating cocktail lists when she asked her daughter to do it anyway. Although the Toms have as much ambition as Ken's ability to stay awake and contribute anything to this show aside from being Lisa's buttplug, she could at least have allowed them to complete the cocktail list because without that they have no part in this business. I hope this storyline wraps up soon because I'm sick of dissecting it and Sandoval's monotone voice gives me a fever.
The main characters on this show are Jax and Brittany. Almost exactly a year after cheating on his girlfriend with her co-worker in an adjacent twin bed next to an elderly woman, having an audio recording of their sex session released at a party where he said he would never have kids or marry Brittany, gaslighting her for an entire summer and finally breaking up with her, Jax decided to propose to his Kentucky muffin. After his dad died he declared he's a changed man and as much as I want to shade him and discuss what an awful human being he is, I do think he changed for the better because he's walking the dogs, buying groceries and doing normal things people do to contribute to relationships. There's obviously still a vindictive, selfish, cheating asshole inside but he must be shoved deep, deep down. And Brittany will never break up with him because if she didn't last year she never will, so they may as well get married and give us an entertaining storyline.
After telling Sandoval, Schwartz, Stassi, Beau, his Uber driver, the hot dog man and a team of producers of his plan to marry Brittany the day finally came to commit to one pussy for the rest of his life. Only in Vanderpump world would someone tell his ex-girlfriend who he cheated on by impregnating a pornstar in Vegas that he's planning on proposing to his current girlfriend who he also cheated on and happens to be her good friend and that's what makes this show so delicious. Jax definitely got a massive Kyle Chan discount on the engagement ring which he bought with money his dad left him and instead of wearing a jacket to put the massive ring box in, he decided to shove it down his pants on the way to the restaurant. Most of the biggest events on this show have come from Jax's crotch so it's only fitting his engagement did too.
For the special occasion Jax decided to take his fiancee-to-be to a restaurant in Malibu, which sounds luxurious, fancy and the perfect romantic night, however, the establishment he picked was a seafood truck stop on the side of the road which I'm sure was not FDA approved. Neptune's Net's white trash vibe was fully equipped with portaloos, ordering at the counter and a microphone to let you know to collect your food, it definitely isn't a place where Brittany hoped to get engaged when she was a little girl but it was perfect for this couple because Jax and Brittany are the Neptune's Net of human beings. They're fries and baked crab wrapped in an overwhelming white trash vibe and the smell of urine everywhere. Where else would you expect Jax Taylor to get engaged?
After placing the engagement ring on a serving tray, he got down on one knee and asked Brittany to marry him, of course, she said yes and kissed him as one onlooker clapped and everybody else at Neptune's Net couldn't find even one fuck amongst them to give. The ring is beautiful, they seem genuinely happy and I hope Jax has changed for the better, however, Brittany is going to die with the fact of knowing she got engaged at a picnic table three inches away from seagull shit. Congrats!
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!