RHOA Recap: That Bitch
There's nothing I'm connecting or clinging to this season. Not one thing. I can't find anything semi-interesting or appealing in a show which is traditionally the highest rated program for Bravo and used to be bursting at the seams with six ladies who knew how to deliver on all fronts. NeNe, Kandi, Cynthia, Phaedra, Kenya and Porsha were an iconic cast who fought like cats and dogs but now the messiest ones are gone, NeNe is nice because everyone decided to crawl up her ass, Kandi and Cynthia have a "won't start none, won't be one" attitude and the most disposable one, Porsha, is now the star of the show. What the fuck happened?
This show is spiralling faster than a drunk girl at a Christmas party which definitely isn't a good sign for Atlanta. It feels like I'm watching a completely different show that I don't recognise at all. Half the cast is new and the other half get along. When Calamari's main storyline is talking about an open relationship that ended years before she even joined the show, you know she sucks. Shes' not messy, shady, interesting, funny or even relatable, she's just a basic bitch who wants to be extra with a bad wig and a "legend" husband who live in Atlanta because their "legend" money isn't enough to live off in LA. If he was such a legend you'd think they'd be able to afford a better house and some better hair. Shamari, stop trying to make a storyline out of an old open relationship and looking like a boughetto baby prostitute.
After Shamari bonded over lesbianism with Kandi, we got another look at the lady who should've been given a peach: Tanya Sam. For this season Tanya is just a friend of which is a bigger mistake than Shamari's flat wig. I'm sorry to keep going back to shading Miss Mari's hair but there's not much else to her to talk about let alone shade. Tanya has a nice deep-ish voice which I love because she's not some airhead valley girl like the new leader of this show, she has depth, a real presence and more coin than any of these bitches fronting as they do. Tanya's house and lifestyle speak for itself and she's much more entertaining than the newcomer Bravo hand picked. A successful rich businesswoman with nice edges, a strong sense of fashion and the ability to throw shade compared to a little boughetto girl with a wet wig who tries to get extra to try and make up for her lack of personality. Who would you choose to become a peach holder?
Tanya had a secret closet by opening up a mirror in her wall filled with all the labels money could buy. If that isn't wealth I really don't know what is. Can we give both her AND Marlo confessionals because I'd much rather hear their talking heads than Eva and Shamari's? Let's not stop at confessionals, why weren't they given fucking peaches? Eva and Shamari are flops, they haven't been popular with the fans while Marlo and Tanya have the personalities to warrant peaches. I don't know what's wrong with Bravo this year but all the executives must be doing crystal meth in the bathroom along with Kim Richards on their lunch break because their decision-making skills this entire year have been fucked up.
They should've paid Kenya what she was worth, premiered New Jersey much earlier, kept M2M on a consistent date, given us only one part of the boring BH reunion, fired LVP, publically disgraced Thomas Ravenel and shut the fuck up about Dirty John. How many times can they make Bravolebrities tweet about it? Enough already, I'm sure it's good but it's being pushed down my fucking throat like a dick and I want to vomit it back up. There's not even a consistent storyline I can follow on this show. Kandi isn't doing anything, Cynthia's daughter Noelle, the Avery of the south, is going to college which isn't anything new, Gregg still has cancer and Porsha's new man is the talk of the town. Nobody gives a fuck about Dennis and he's only being talked about because there's nothing else going on. Nobody cares.
Kandi had to try and give Porsha some kind of clarification on the rumours about her man while Porsha tried way too hard to overact with sound effects, fake nails, purple hair and doing the most with her reactions. Porsha is doing at lot, she's up there floating around on a 12 and I am going to need her to bring it back down to a 5, so I can understand what she's saying and try to enjoy Bravo's most privileged child. Porsha doesn't care if Dennis has a messy past with other women and she's not going to start looking because she knows she'll find something but just wants a ring and a baby, so she's ignoring all the obvious red flags. She finally told Dennis she was pregnant with his kid. Well, I think it's his kid. Porsha may be annoying as fuck and one of the main characters sinking this show, but seeing her tell Dennis she was pregnant was a sweet moment, even if he mumbled his way through it.
NeNe had her event, Boobs and Bourbon, because like Cynthia she feels the need to name all her events. Of course, NeNe loved this dinner because she was the centre of attention. Everybody on the current cast is inside her ass and I don't see anybody popping out anytime soon. She has a basketball team full of peaches in her stomach and it's time she shits them out because NeNe without an enemy is not an exciting season. We need a messy town drunk who can unapologetically start drama like Brandi Glanville, Sonja Morgan or Kelly Dodd and this new girl Yovanna is not the right person for this show. She's a customer of NeNe's who looks like she needs a good night's rest, and are we really poaching new characters from NeNe's store? Is this the level we are stooping to.
After a series of over the top, fake greetings that took up way too much time, Gregg invited everyone on a couple's trip to Destin which the men must have collectively shat themselves to after hearing the news because no grown adult enjoys travelling with other couples on camera and having their marriage examined. Everybody also went around the table to tell the story of how the met. NeNe and Greg met when she was collecting ones with her buttcrack, Shamari and Porsha met their men at clubs, Todd was a producer on the show when we met Kandi, Eva met her political boo at a fundraiser and Marlo plead the fifth about how her and a white gentlemen named Kevin managed to fall into each other's lives. I'm sure Marlo was paid for her services with the white boy and her check probably went towards her next Chanel bag.
NeNe's customer also decided this dinner was a perfect time to try and get a peach and two minutes of camera time by getting drunk on camera and trying to have some kind of beef with Eva, which nobody seemed to care about. Somehow Eva and the customer went to high school together and had a mutual best friend who was in Eva's wedding, however, Eva claimed to have never met the shopper which rubbed her the wrong way because she believed she should know who she is due to being "That Bitch".
This girl couldn't have cared less about Eva remembering her or not but it was the only ammunition available to try and be relevant on this show and when Eva is your chance at relevancy, then that already explains everything you need to know. Congratulations, NeNe's frequent shopper got drunk and said the word "fuck" really loud for some camera time. An adjacent friend of one of the new Housewives trying to have a moment is not a reason to watch this show and Bravo know better than this.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.