Vanderpump Rules Recap: Good As Gold
Before I dig into the dysfunction of SUR's back alley fighters, let's take a moment to thank the editors and producers at Evolution media who took the time to sculpt truly Emmy worthy scenes from the beginning to the end of the episode. First, we saw the editors' freeze frame the cast before Jax and Brittany entered their apartment fresh from being engaged as we heard a voiceover from Stassi explaining how she managed to throw a surprise party as if it wasn't a thing most people have done. They also worked the SUR 80s themed pride day into an 80s sitcom opening number which Scheana must have rewound 30 times because it's the most she's been featured all season.
I want more Scheana in my life but I know once they give us more Scheana Marie Shay I'm gonna wish I never said it. She's like alcohol. You wish you'd get drunk until you wake up the next morning with a raging headache and the taste of vomit and regret in your mouth. Scheana Shay is a bad hangover with some hairspray and contour added to the mix. Apart from the magically produced scenes, the producers gave us something truly shocking and unsettling: Lisa Vanderpump in Jax's cesspit of an apartment. Did she really throw away her diamond and days of flying on private jets and having fancy luncheons in her Villa Rosa with fellow rich bitches to hanging out in an apartment with cottage ceilings and a very likely chance of contracting an STD from the sofa? LVP made her bed and now she has to lie in it and where better than Jax and Brittany's beer flavoured apartment. You'd probably get drunk and/or high just from opening your mouth within the air of that place.
After LVP made her presence known at the party and talked to TomKat about whether or not Schwartz's cock is in working order, Brittany ran out onto the balcony screeching "I'M ENGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAGGGGGEEDDD" and that sound, as well as Scheana's debut single Good As Gold, will be burned into the front of my brain forever. In a moment of silence I can still hear it echoing in my ears. Following her drunk declaration, Jax thanked everyone for coming and went upstairs to fuck his new fiancee while all his friends, Lisa Vanderpump and a camera crew still remained inside his apartment. That's a nice way to tell everybody to leave your apartment. I think?
Ariana seems to be the only person with sense and has a few of her original brain cells left on the cast because she questioned Jax's ability to maintain his "reformed" persona. Yes, he changed following the death of his dad but how long is he going to stay on this kick for because how do we know after a year or two of trying to replicate his father's life he won't start fucking his way through the PTA meetings at their kid's school. The thought of Jax and Brittany raising children in that apartment while also working at SUR scares me and there's a reason why Friends ended without us seeing them raise their kids. Also does everybody like Scheana now? At the reunion Jax, Lala and everybody seemed to have some issue with her selfish ways but now she's back in the mix with her Kardashian contour like nothing ever happened. Is anyone going to follow this beef or are we going to focus all our attention on DJ James Kennedy?
The main theme of this season seems to be James being an asshole and the entire cast being done with his disgusting asshole behaviour, mainly Kristen. The formerly crazy cast member made it her mission to expose James for the gross, misogynistic, evil Q-tip of a human being he really is and I'm glad Kristen is stepping up to this role because the producers took away all her screentime last season and she needs a healthy cause to get behind to not only appear on the show more but also help the community and take down her disgusting ex-boyfriend. Can you believe Kristen has actually had James Kennedy inside her? That visual will haunt me forever and I can't actually fathom the thought of having that little boy having sex with anyone that isn't himself or another male. Through her investigation skills, Kristen found a girl named Hope who James previously cheated with while he was dating her. What is up with all the homewreckers on this show being named after strippers? First Faith, now Hope? It definitely suits their overall theme of being whores.
According to Hope, she has been having sex with James Kennedy non-stop for two years regardless of his girlfriend and even had sex with him while Raquel slept close by during a group trip to Coachella, but blamed her having sex with someone else's boyfriend on him manipulating her. How did he manipulate you to allow him to put his penis inside you while his girlfriend was sleeping? Hope was obviously holding her breath and quietly having sex with James Kennedy on the side in the hope (no pun intended) of bringing it up on the show to earn some kind of attention. Congratulations Hope, you outed James Kennedy for being a cheating asshole and yourself for being a whore. Of course, Kristen accompanied Hope to tell James' girlfriend Raquel of his infidelity. I love watching the defrosting of Crazy Kristen and I don't want to ever see her go back into that freezer. We need a crazy bitch who brings people to justice on this show and Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute is that girl.
James Kennedy is literally the White Kanye. He says dumb shit that nobody can support and then turns around to apologise for his behaviour. It's exhausting and just further proves he's a misogynistic asshole disguised as a WeHo twink. He gifted Jax and Brittany a massive tequila set as a way to apologise for his gross rap but then continued to accost every single other cast member on this show in the space of an hour. His girlfriend Raquel started crying after hearing the news of James potentially having sex with another girl while she was in the same room and instead of comforting her, DJ James Kennedy started yelling, denying the rumour and comparing his relationship to Jax. Jax Taylor was a gross pig who stuck his dick inside anything that moved and only managed to get engaged because Brittany stuck around due to him being her meal ticket, I don't think anyone should ever look for hope in anything Jax Taylor does. You could look for Faith though.
Raquel is quite possibly the dumbest bitch to ever walk the face of this earth, I'm pretty sure her brain is comprised of rocks and a used tampon because she always looks absent and unavailable when anyone is ever talking to her. It's beyond me how she ever managed to graduate from anything because I think community college would be a struggle for Bambi. She needs to hang onto James to have any kind of fame on this show and now that she finally received her own confessionals (what the actual fuck), she isn't going anywhere. So everybody can accuse James Kennedy of fucking anybody under the sun but this dumb bitch isn't going anywhere. Raquel probably has fewer brain cells than a crack whore living under a bridge but even she can't be that stupid not to connect the dots and see that her boyfriend has been inside more people than her. The only thing that makes it hard to believe James would cheat is the question of why would anybody willing have sex with him and even if someone somehow allowed that to happen, why would you ever want anyone to know? That's the only factor that makes it hard to believe.
After Raquel cried for a while with no tears, Lala even told her she knew for a fact that James has been fucking Hope for the past two years while she was away at college. Lala and Kristen are the #TimesUp tag team we needed and not only do they share the common thread of both having James Kennedy's boney body being on top of them but they also are strong bitches who love to expose a mother fucker who's done them wrong. Instead of going home or staying inside and, you know, doing his job of DJing, James drunkenly went outside to fight with Lala, Kristen and call Katie fat. To be fair, Katie attacked his shorts so he attacked hers but also fat-shamed her in the process. Hasn't Katie been fat-shamed enough on this show? Can you imagine if there were actually an obese person on this show because Katie is probably a size six and suddenly everybody acts like she's a killer whale whenever they are fighting with her?
Following his rant, James walked the streets of WeHo and ended the episode with a sentence which basically sums up his entire existence saying "I'm all for equality but the whore can go fuck herself." Seems legit. I'm so ready for the lost little boy to go down this season but I'm even more prepared for Kristen to receive the screen time she deserves and ruin James' life in the process. Two birds, one stone.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!