RHOD Reunion Recap: Golden Ticket
There was so much packed into and skipped over this episode they could've easily added a third part or at least given us a supersized episode because I'm sure there was so much more Lonestar goodness left on the cutting room floor that would've added more to the show than talking about Kameron's incessant nodding or her husband's obvious and deep disdain for her. All the marriages on this show are odd and strained in their own way but Kameron's little man looks like he wants to throw darts at her every time she walks in the room. If this was a different city he definitely would've been called a little bitch by now.
I am so sick of hearing about Dallas society, so naturally, it was the bulk of this episode. New drinking game idea: take a drink every time you hear the word society and I guarantee you'll be more shit faced than Brandi during her ill-fated plan in Copenhagen. If I didn't have to write a recap for you people I definitely would've played along, however, I also would've wanted to remember the rest of the episode. Every second word coming out of Kameron and D'Andra mouth was society and it's so fucking stupid. What does that even mean and does anybody actually give a fuck about Dallas society? I doubt there are two families who rule Dallas and the only people who prescribe to the bullshit rules would be rich charity ladies who have nothing better to do than passive aggressively shade each other while they eat finger sandwiches.
Kam is a Stepford wife-esque character, she's almost a copy of Nicole Kidman's robot in the movie, so she throughly enjoys the society world even if it takes over her life and gives her no other purpose than to behave correctly for her mother-in-law. I have too few fucks to give to relate to this bullshit because I'm living my life for anybody but me if I had to think about how everything I'm doing would "bring shame" to my extended family then I'd never do anything fun. Dallas society is bullshit and they've really beaten the shit out of this dead horse. D'Andra stuck a K-cup up her ass. Good for her, in the world of 2018 she should be able to stick whatever she pleases up there, however, if she's going to claim to have zero fucks about what anybody thinks, then do it, instead of fighting with Kameron about it. If she didn't give a fuck about Dallas society she wouldn't have fought about this for an entire season, but I guess she needed the storyline.
This reunion was full of two things: screaming and no resolution. Nobody really apologised, nobody was willing to fall on their sword and the entire two episodes were just full of everybody trying to pull out smoking guns against the other couch, which is great for the drama department next season but not for this recap. PhoneGate was brought up again and I don't think I've ever cared about anything less. LeeAnne claimed she filmed everybody and their titties jumping naked around the Baltic sea to have an unedited memory of the incident and Brandi said although there was a full camera crew filming her naked body, she didn't like LeeAnne doing it because she's malicious and Bravo would at least blur out her sunny side up titties. Brandi creamed her jeans when she saw LeeAnne filming because it gave her something else to make a scene about, I don't really see the reason for LeeAnne to have been filming but let's not pretend Brandi didn't squirt when she realised she had more ammunition against her sworn enemy.
LeeAnne deleted the footage so there's no reason to even carry on this discussion. Brandi claims she never stole LeeAnne's phone and the carny revealed the origins of CloneGate saying she said once you try and get into my phone unsuccessfully three times, I have an app which clones the nearest phone. What the actual fuck. If anybody is dumb enough to believe that bullshit then I hope LeeAnne really did clone the fucking phone. Obviously, Brandi and her brain cells aren't the sharpest in the RHOD shed, however, how she is stupid enough to believe that crock of bullshit, either she was drunk, ran with it for a storyline or just has the brain of a first grader because I am shocked anyone could believe something so fucking stupid. Isn't there a level of minimal intelligence the ladies have to have to join a show like this because falling for LeeAnne's dumb phone lie shows most of these women probably have a lower IQ than a challenged donkey.
After all the back on forth over the phone drama from Copenhagen, nothing was resolved and we ended the segment the way we started it in a state of bitter hatred between the two women. LeeAnne and Brandi don't like each other at all and whether it's phones, feces or hands they will always find something to argue about without coming to a resolution. Kameron also wanted Brandi to stand up and say what she's lying about and while I appreciate Kam's dramatic attitude, what the fuck was she trying to do? The only time someone should ever stand up at a reunion is to drag a bitch by her weave or do a shot at the end. Why don't Housewives start doing shots at the start of the reunions because I'm sure we'd get much more entertaining TV.
We ended the season by dissecting the demise of LeeAnne and D'Andra's decade-long friendship at the hands of reality TV and it all boils down to D'Andra being a thirsty, calculating backstabbing bitch. She definitely came into this season with the mindset to take LeeAnne down for her storyline because she knew it would fuel her for years to come and the second season addition was jealous her best friend was the star of the show and she wasn't. The biggest way to show whos boss is to walk into prison and punch the biggest, baddest bitch in the face and that is exactly what D'Andra did to LeeAnne this season, she thought and believed she was the star of the show and did everything in her power to take her best friend down in the name of reality television. She didn't give a fuck about the $200 bank account comment and Kam revealing it was her "golden ticket" more than justifies that.
It was her chance to turn on LeeAnne in an attempt to give her relevancy on the show and try to relate with viewers at home. D'Andra's the master manipulator who was obviously trying to establish herself as the queen of the show by picking fights and her behind the scenes behaviour from texting Kam about having no time to advertise her company on camera to having a "golden ticket" proves her seedy and scary ways. D'Andra got caught and called out for her lies and behind the scenes plan. She thought the fans would idolise her but she just looked worse than a Republican politician getting exposed for fucking a gay escort. Housewives who plan and scheme always get caught out on their messy ways. This entire feud was D'Andra's fault and if she didn't reach at straws to fight with her best friend then we wouldn't have had anything to work with. Even Mama Dee agreed with LeeAnne that her daughter wanted to "win" at Housewives.
Mama Dee knows her daughter sucks but she has nothing else to work with at this point. D'Andra tried to claim her accusing Rich of cheating wasn't bad because she stated it in her confessionals but then spoke out of the other side of her mouth saying she only brought it up out of concern for LeeAnne. Um. The only time she ever claimed to have heard he was unfaithful was her confessionals so how was that supposed to help her friend? If his ex-wives really did come to her why wouldn't she talk to LeeAnne about it and not use it against her in the confessionals? D'Andra is full of shit and she has no concern for the carny in her entire body. At least LeeAnne brought up the drinking stuff to her face. I really think D'Andra missed her calling in life because she was acting all the way through this episode which I'm sure could've earned her at least a Peoples Choice Award or something. She also admitted to having a problem with cocaine in her twenties but who didn't? This year's reunion theme is cocaine, first Kelly Dodd, now D'Andra and next is Mariah on Married To Medicine. Who DOESN'T do coke?
Mama Dee only came out to try and "mend" LeeAnne and D'Andra's friendship for the last five minutes when she should've been there the entire time. Dee is the true star of this show and it genuinely confuses me how her daughter manages to hold a star and she does not, even if she says things I'll never understand like "I don't give a gnats ass wrapped around a rain barrel." I think Mama Dee is just coming up with new catchphrases as she goes along and I'm loving it, someone please throw a star at this woman because she's ready and is easily the most interesting part of D'Andra. She knows her daughter is sneaky and I'd rather see her relationship explored with LeeAnne than D'Andra. There seems to be a deep connection between Dee and LeeAnne because they are both survivors whereas they are both just stuck with the privileged trust fund baby who brings them together: D'Andra.
This reunion needed a lot more Mama Dee and resolution. Everybody ended the day with a fireball/tequila shot and some apologies to try and justify the ladies coming back next season. Although I know season four is going to revolve around LeeAnne and D'Andra repairing their friendship, I don't want to see it. She treated the carny like dirt and used her to try and gain a platform on this show and LeeAnne has better things to do than waste her time on a snake like D'Andra Simmons.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 10/9c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.