Jersey Shore Finale Recap: Fuck Cancer
This episode began the same way the previous one ended, with JWOWW throwing water on Angelina's Staten Island stripper nemesis like a wet dog. That bitch was such a freak she started licking the water before she attempted to climb a rail to beat up everybody's favourite Dirty Little Hamster but the stupid security guards got in the way. What's the point of teasing a fight if the producers have security on standby to stop them from actually hitting anyone else. What the fuck is the point? I understand there's probably some legal shit on MTV's end and violence is never the answer but it's what we came for.
After some yelling and serious shit talking the gang hightailed it out of there to protect pregnant Deena and Mike who legally can't be around any criminal mess because he is soon becoming The Incarceration. As they were driving away in their cabs, the disgruntled stripper started beating up her boyfriend the Douche Canoe, who instigated the entire situatio, to begin with. I don't know why the drunk bitch punched her own boyfriend in the face but it's his karma for being a thirsty prick and trying to have a moment on reality TV. The wet dog stripper looked like Ronnie's baby mama's long lost sister but I guess all hoes with brown hair sort of look the same these days.
Back at the Manaplan house, everybody went to bed as the spiral squad stayed up to confuse bible references and discuss the meaning of life. There's nothing better than three dumb drunk guidos having the IQ of a four-year-old at three in the morning and it was truly one of the best parts of the season. They got Jesus, Moses, Noah and Adam & Eve confused and then tried to piece together a tale of events of what they think could've connected all the biblical characters together. Obviously, none of these people has seen the inside of a church in a very long time but that's probably for the best because Ronnie and Angelina would burst into flames if they even tried to attend Sunday mass.
They started to somewhat turn onto the right track and realised Moses parted the red sea, Noah had all those animals on his boat and Adam & Eve were the first people, however, the spiral squad fucked up by asking about cavemen and thinking Jesus came into this world because he can fly not because, you know, his mother just "magically" got pregnant and popped the sucker out. How did they not know that? Why do they think we have Christmas? Vinny couldn't sleep and got in on the idiotic discussion because just like us he was wildly entertained by their less than smart comments. After discussing the bible characters, the conversation like most things with Angelina turned to shit, literally. She went from the meaning of life to asking about where shit goes on an aeroplane because she believed they just let the shit out during the flight and allow faeces to spill over all the flyover states.
What is it with Angelina and shit? I know those two things go together like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs andRonnie and fucked up relationships but somehow everything Angelina touches turns to shit, I don't know if the Dirty Little Hamster has ever gotten through a conversation without bringing up defecation. Just a thought. Ronnie even made a joke about them letting out the aeroplane shit over Ohio and while it was a funny joke, I'm just surprised he knows what Ohio is. I doubt he could point it out on a map and probably only heard of it from a TV show but even being able to name a state is an achievement for the battered and bruised cast member.
The next morning everybody woke up to start setting up for Deena's blood cancer fundraiser and like clockwork, the shit in Ronnie's life started bubbling up again like a broken toilet. Just after he finally broke up with his abusive baby mama and she moved out of the house, she called him claiming she was robbed while her and the baby were asleep because she heard shuffling, saw someone run out of the house, her phone was stolen and a box of bullets were left outside. What the fuck? Either he was the worst robber since The Bling Ring or this bitch is lying. Why would a burglar bother to sneak into a house only to steal a phone, which was probably an old shitty one because this bitch has no money and why on earth would he LEAVE a box of fucking bullets outside? That doesn't happen, nobody would leave bullets behind, fuck nobody would even bring bullets to rob a house. Wouldn't you load up your gun and go not bring your own bullets with you to recharge? How many people did he think he'd be shooting?
Her story didn't make sense so naturally, the roommates called bullshit on it because she wanted Ronnie and his MTV paycheck back in her life. Even on the off chance, this girl is telling the truth, she's become the hoe that cried wolf. She's lied so much in the past, dragged him with a car, fought on social media, accused him of being a drug addict, taken their child away, spat on him and punched him in the face so why would they believe anything she says at this point. She's addicted to the dysfunction and so is Ronnie who believed her stupid tale. Tater Tot is not an honest person and maybe this was the one time she decided to tell the truth, but I highly doubt it. Ronnie blamed her shitty behaviour on the company she keeps, but it's not her company who's bad, it's Jen! Tater Tot is the kid in school that was a bad influence and now she's just carried that into her slutty adulthood, her friends are probably as bad as she is but she's still Lucifer disguised as a Nevada THOT.
Apart from the dumb robbery story, Deena threw a finale party to raise awareness for blood cancer which her father and Vinny's uncle passed away from. It's a great cause and it felt weirdly thrilling to see these Guidos do something good for other people for once instead of spiralling and talking about Angelina's sex life. Deena said her dad would be so happy everyone was doing this because his favourite thing in the world was Jersey Shore, however, I highly doubt her father's favourite thing in the world was to turn on the TV and see his daughter making out with girls, getting drunk, running around with her cunt hanging out and seeing her get arrested. It's just a thought but maybe he was her number one cheerleader in her hoe days. Who knows?
All the Jersey Shore families turned out at Jenks to raise money for charity, even Roger who may or may not be getting a divorce from JWOWW but I guess we have to wait till next season to get the tea on that. The gang held a live auction to get people to bid to do things with them, which should seriously be an annual thing considering they raised $40K. One girl even paid $865 just to touch Pauly's blowout and I hope it felt just as hard and stiff as it looks on TV. Snooki did nine shots with nine people in a row, Mike chowed down meatballs, someone raced Angelina in a trash bag, Jenni twerked and Ronnie arm wrestled two girls at once. It's a fun time and it just proves this show can still be good without alcohol and sex.
Just when that thought crossed my mind, Vinny united the audience together by getting everybody to sing about Angelina's boring sex life by chanting "Angelina hasn't got pounded in a long time" while her boyfriend who struggles to pound stood there embarrassed on the stage. Public humiliation is delicious and Angelina took it like a champ because I guess she hasn't been taking anything else lately. All jokes aside, I hope Chris can get his pound on and tear that pussy up by pounding her the way he initially did because if anyone deserves a good pounding it's Angelina's Staten Island drainpipe. I want to see that bitch in a wheelchair next season because that dick wiped her out. I know Chris has it in him.
After announcing they raised $40K, the Dirty Little Hamster crowd surfed and everybody reminisced on their time on the show. I'm sad to see these Guidos go because although I get my Thursdays back, this show is hilarious feel-good TV that is easy to watch and always entertaining, it's truly amazing so thank fuck they are coming back for another season where we'll see all the dysfunction from Mike's wedding, court date and I'm sure more Ron and Tater Tot drama. I'm so ready, it's just a bummer we have to wait till the Summer to GTL again.
Until then, CABS ARE HEREEEE!
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!